Go Rafa!

Never really watched Queens before - but today and yesterday I got completely hooked. A diversion from footie! Well it is the summer. First the semi's and watching Nadal outwit Roddick and then to see Djokovic totally obliterate Nalbandian I knew that today's final would be close. Swayed by Nadal's rather cute bum and unassuming manner I wanted him to win.. and he did - but Djokovic gave him a run for his money! Glued to the TV my only criticism - the commentators... roll on the big guns for Wimbledon on the 23rd June for a fortnight! Thanks Beeb for the coverage!

1pm - 14th June 2008

Not my best photo - but a digital flavour of the flypast. Happy Birthday Your Majesty and Happy 90th RAF... the rest of my snaps are on celluloid!! Remember that kids!!

55 areoplanes in all - though the variety is not what it once was... very poor. But 16 F-3's all in formation at once is quite something as were 9 Typhoons. Surprisingly few spotters on Waterloo Bridge and the old Prakticas kept going for another year. Sweet.

Wish I had has this view mind you!!

Friday 13th

My stars instructed I not use a hair dryer. So I did not. However some other poor Capricorn was having trouble with appliances - as I walked back from stomp there was a trail of water coming out onto the pavement. I expected to see a person scrubbing their pathway. Fraid not. The water was coming out under the front door. All warm and foamy.

That's one clean floor and pathway....

My day past by with little incident. The precaution to defrost fridge using only warm water paid off. Took bl00dy hours mind you...

Blood Ties

I have thought about the events of Thursday long and hard. I have also questioned how much or how little to write about it. I have though concluded that I must write as much as possible so that as a family we can take what we need and help each other work out these niggles which are unsettling us all. Whatever I love ya Mazza. I wish I could give you the answers you seek.

-------------------------------------------

My Mum's roots are fractured to say the least. She had a very close relationship with her Dad but sadly the same can not be said for her Mother. I have several vivid recollections of my grandparents on Mum's side. My Grandad was a scream. Flicking spoons across the dining room table, pulling faces and generally making my brother and I sick with laughter, back when faggots where round and Brains. My Grandma was always a grey figure in the background not really taking part and quietly scornful of such frivolity. Nevertheless Grandad made sure that as kids we knew he was with us - even though they lived miles away in Worcester. He sent postcards, letters and boxes of fudge. There are photos of him in walking boots on the top of Tors across the country. As I write I see where Mum gets her walking spirit from - and I too have gained that love. He was a jolly man and we all loved him dearly. Sadly he passed away in April 1986.

My Mum has tried often to reconcile her relationship with her Mother. But it has been seriously impeded by her brothers turning a blind eye and very much leaving Mum out in the cold. My friends always comment we are a tight foursome but as time passes I recognise that my Mum was always making sure we had the childhood she did not and I know she fears my relationship with my brother will go the same way as hers with her brothers.

Her frenetic twin married a god fearing woman and moved to Sweden. We saw them little as we grew up and I recall seeing my cousins Helen & Rosie all of a few times. I am the eldest grand child on that side of the family so should have taken greater responsibility maybe. But we were never that sort of family. Mum's eldest brother moved to Stafford and had three children whose names now embarrassingly I cannot recall. I lie it has come to me along with the memory of the week they stayed at our house. Kerry, Tara and Phillip. The youngest was a blond haired boy. I remember that week more for the acquisition of my Duran Duran 'Rio' cassette and playing it non stop on my cassette Walkman. Being told it would affect my hearing as I got older. I'm 35 and it seems fine for the time being. Grandad had died by them and my Uncle had bought his kids and Grandma down for the week. It was a sunny week and we visited several of Mum's aunts and uncles. They always welcomed us with open arms and Mum was always comfortable around them. I never really sensed much tension between my Mum and her Mother - but I suppose it became clearer as the letters and postcards dwindled. My cousins became faded ghosts and any sort of family get together was more likely to come from my Dad's very minute family. Years have passed - face it 22 and my Mum has rarely seen her twin brother who now lives in Canada even though she often hears that he has been in the country. I met his wife once as her parents live in Morden. She wanted me to help trace the family tree. I declined to help as it felt false. The family I did know of I had not seen so why track down more to be ignored by? This took place in 2001 and I was living the life of Reilly in London (smoking, drinking and sporting a tattoo!) - but her attitude was odd. I was well educated yet her daughter coming to London as part of her nursing course did not seem reason enough to exchange details and make a point of meeting as cousins. It was as though I was not quite good enough. I may have got defensive as I was told of a family life which had not included me since 1986 and more importantly had not included my Mum either. I do remember being told that Mother was not well mentally and could not help the way she was. I found this hard to take. I know my Mum has tried many times to make good the relationship with Mother but has always been pushed away. It felt as if everyone was tip toeing around Mother at the cost of my Mum's feelings. I have not heard from Monica since.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The years keep rolling by and with age comes self analysis and the yearn to repair. Understand. Find peace. Mum wants answers to so many questions. Naturally she wants to know what she did (or did not do) that has caused such pain for so many years. Mum is a tender flower who blooms for those she deems worthy despite her past having made her fairly hard hearted too. I know - I have inherited some of that inner resolve. So Thursday was the day for answers.

---------------

Curious to know how and what the situation was when her father died she had heard you could obtain copies of people's wills. So we trudged the length of High Holborn in search. Without a street number of building name that can be quite tiresome. But with hindsight I take full blame for making the sensitive situation even more painful. We came out by the Bung Hole pub - had we turned left we would have found the Probate Office straight away. Sadly my nose went right and we ended up at New Oxford Street. 2 policeman and a postman later we are heading back towards the Bung Hole.

A less pleasant trait that I have is impatience in the face of what I perceive to be incompetence. I was close to exploding. I can't explain why. Maybe it was seeing Mum so helpless. So in need of answers. To me she is always so strong. It was the day when the baton was finally passed over. Mum needed me to be strong and I was failing. Miserably.

I called a friend to get a road number and can reveal its 42-29 High Holborn. I was cross with myself too. I should have checked before we left the house. But I have had my head so far up my arse with work I did not.

So we go through the x-ray machine and delve into the Probate registers. Huge books which record alphabetically the probate number of those wills logged so you can order a copy.

1986 - Sw-Ve no luck. We check all through the books up to 1991. No luck. Then as a sanity check I look for my Dad's Dad entry. No entry for Henry either. So Herbert and Henry are not listed. Mum is crestfallen. My brain assumes lawyer mode.. did they go through probate? Would it be the same if all passed to a wife etc etc. At this point I must stress this is not a mission to discover hidden millions - it is the last ditch hope my Mum had of getting in touch with her Dad to see what his wishes were. She always believed he wanted things split between the grandchildren. If he did, I suspect it is a wish that will not happen now. I so wanted it to be easy to obtain so my Mum could read his words and understand she was loved by him at least. She does already know that - but the lack of affection or acknowledgement from the rest of her clan is a deep scar she carries.

I finally realise my role and give Mum a big hug. It's not enough. She is hurting. Has hurt for a long time. Seeing Stu in another a world does not help her soul either. But life is to a degree about the here and now and we must make the best of it.

We meet Dad. I am glad. I realise I love Dad for so many reasons but mainly because he always so wise and takes care of Mum and I in ways we tend to take for granted. I buy us all a coffee and try to get Mum smiling again. I do not succeed. I suspect a deepening dark mood will descend. A lot of inward analysis and self questioning. The next last chance saloon. Meeting her eldest brother and trying somehow to repair what is still here. More strength.

The really sad part - for years and years I have only ever considered my family as us four. But its not really the truth. We have indeed been the people who have shaped each other. But blood ties are with us no matter how hard we fight them. I am always heartened when in the past distant relatives have said I look like my Dad's sister - Brenda a woman I never met for she had died before I was born. And I relish the fact Dad's Mum was Labour through and through. She'd be spinning now I suspect. But these are notions. For Mum there are memories of a childhood with 2 brothers to whom she looked up and cared for. There are the good days and the bad dark days when she wished to be anywhere else. Then there was Mum meeting Dad. They said it wouldn't last. Well 38 years would say that was incorrect. So where's the apology and forgiveness now? I hope Mum finds the answers she seeks. I hope her brothers in their old age also are thinking like she is and want to have conversations and reconciliations such that my Mum can stave off this sense of loneliness. Failure. Which of course she is not. Failure is a crass word for exam results, not life and being a tops wife, dedicated mother and most importantly self assured big hearted woman.

--------------------------------

Hugs to you Mazza. This is your journey but Dad and I are both here for you. Please stop beating yourself up. Let's reset the expectations and try to make this less painful. I learnt a lot about myself on Thursday. I am scared too. You and Pa are so much the back bone of my life. I wish I could provide more for your bucks! A hubby, a big house for you to stay at, front row seats at Wimbledon, maybe even grandchildren (as opposed to dogs).

I can though try to more patient and understanding and learn the lesson of the art of sharing that you have in bundles... don't stop talking to me... xx

The Apprentice

And so the final finally came round. In a twist from the usual final this consisted of 4 contestants. Sir Alan unable to decide who he wanted to eek out after the interviews. He gave us a few fairly loud clues in his initial groupings.. Lee and Claire versus Alex and Helene. From the off you sort of knew no matter how it went Lee and Claire would win and then the suspense of who out of the two was the winner would keep viewers gripped.

SO men's fragrance. It is fair to say a pleasant smelling bloke is a rare find. They either don't bother or go the other way and dunk themselves in sickly sweet smelling liquor and you can smell then for 5 minutes after they have passed you. Perhaps not an ideal task for TV as guess what - we can't smell it. All we can go by is bottle shape and erm Brand. So 'Roulette' (Claire/Lee) which was Old Spice for the Noughties vs 'Dual' (Helene/Alex) for the man who is everywhere. It should have been 'Duel' as the team began to fray and forget they were supposed to be working together! Ah well. Gambling addictions and men who 'smell of men' did not win over the critics. But the dual functioning bottle of 'Dual' priced it out of the game, nor did Helene's dour face or Alex's sulky mug exactly help in selling the product or themselves.

So it came down to Lee - the Spurs fan - nice touch mate, and, Claire who could probably sell ice cubes to Eskimos. I have wanted Lee to win since he led Lucinda et al to win in a way which meant people wanted to be part of his team. There was a raw honesty about him (okay apart from his CV fibs which ordinarily would have him off my list - but I have heard interview panellists who are obsessed by educational qualifications above and beyond the common sense of whether a person is actually able to do the job. Trust me qualifications are not the be all and end all and yes I worked jolly hard for mine so don't need to lie - but I can see why someone without would try their luck. Foolish boy. But he fessed up. Eventually.) and also a natural charm which meant everyone felt equal. No hierarchy. A selfless side which ensured he got the best out of people which in turn got the best for him. It's a fine line and it often gets lost or forgotten in an office environment.

Anyway Sir Alan picked Lee. I don't do all this male preference stuff. He deserved it - he will learn and for the first time finish and pass his apprenticeship. Good luck to you mate. You know what I'm talking about!

Claire was on Radio Five Thursday am saying she was glad she lost as she would never fit into Sir Alan's organisation. Yeah right. Sometimes graciousness in defeat speaks volumes. She is in the News of the World today - nice.

The big problem now - WHAT to watch on Wednesday evenings?! Help!

Happy Fathers Day

Have a good un Pops....
:-) Big hugs xxx

Another departs...

My friend Lisa left London today to set up home down in Tunbridge Wells.. here's wishing her all the best in her new abode and surroundings. Probably a step up from Croydon. But these days who can say!?

And then there was one!

Defrost me!

I cant get no

Sleep. Grr

Culture!

Queen's BD Flypast

This Saturday at 1pm - is said to include the following:

'with it being the 90th RAF anniversary, they are pulling out the stops for this one.
After a bit of research, and with thanks to information provided by the Lowestoft Aviation Society, you'll get the timings and groupings on www.mcquat.co.uk.
First formation over the Palace will be BBMF Lanc plus 2xSpit and 2xHurri, other sources quote the Dak as well, these will form up over DX, and probably as they did last year, try to remove the roof off my house, they don't form over Southwold and pass over East Anglia with the jet formations, they take a shorter route.
Jet formations.
1) C-130 + 2 Kingairs
2) 9xTyphoons
3) VC-10 + 2 Tornado F3 + E3 Sentry
4) 11 Tornado F-3
5) C-17 + 2 F-3
6) Nimrod + 2 F-3
7) Tristar + 2 HS125
8) 16 Tornado GR-4

If that lot don't make your eyes water, nothing will.
If you watch it from the Tower of London, you'll get the bonus of a 62 gun salute as well.
I'm sure Moggy will enjoy watching it from his usual vantage point in Southwold with a pint of Adnams, though Tower Bridge sounds a good spot to me.'

I am naturally excited and shall be stocking up on film for my Praktica's annual day out!! More so after hearing the Biggin Hill experience via someone's mobile from a supermarket car park yesterday...plus Pop texting me his experiences on Saturday!

Reviewing Your Daily Routines

Your work and health continue to be of importance, KAREN. Mercury is retrograde until later next week. You just need to be patient for a while longer before you get moving on new deals and contracts. After this, it will be safe to go ahead. In the meantime, get everything organized, and continue to clear out the clutter. As far as your health goes, you may have to wait awhile to hear the results of tests or any lab reports that are due. This is a good time to talk to experts or consultants about what you want to achieve in terms of your overall fitness. If you need a personal trainer, don't hire one just yet; instead, get a variety of opinions about who is available in your area and what they can do for you. If you are thinking of starting a diet, again, read around, and get a selection of reviews before you decide the best way for you to go with your eating plan. Ultimately, the best way of eating is one that is tailored to your needs. You will need to experiment to find out what works best.

???

Germany 2 - Poland 0

Here we go! Here we go!! - Yup got them in the sweep at work and as someone said at the time well they do begin with G too..
I think its about time I understood what it feels like to support a winning team....heheh.
Pity about Federer and Hamilton today... great day for sport on TV/Radio though.... tops in fact.

Summer Party - Old Billingsgate

June 6th 2008 - Old Billingsgate - The Ground Floor!

The Main Course...fillet of beef with aparagus n spuds. Tasty.

My Alan Hansen forehead (not quite an Albino Elephant knee)
THE glass of red which ensured a sore-ish head Sat am
The dessert...too creamy
The three ladies of the team. Spot the odd one out...me of course. Spinster in the middle!
And me clinging on for dear life to my colleagues of nearly 8 years ...

Haircut...

And post party vanity... or something...

And the dress as found on the M&S website..

Just

watched Part II of the latest Doctor Who story. Truly brilliant. How uncomfortable for all of us to meet someone from his future who he hasn't met yet... and shadows and books and hard drives and virtual-ness... inspired. Thanks Mr Moffat.

3 nights

on the razz have taken their toll!

My eyes feel sooo heavy and don't feel like I have eaten real food for days... anyway no lost limbs or broken teeth. No misguided snogs and no phone numbers exchanged... More to the point at least today I managed to be up and about before noon!! That said I am only now going for a shower - so pleased I removed all make up before falling into bed at 2am.. lots lots more soon!

Minx?

Old Meter...

Jolly June!

Well - okay - it is June but the weather thus far is none too jolly...and late night footie does not help early birding on a Monday.

My horo's seem to be stressing my propensity for an expanding waistline at this time and I have to say I agree - a minor worry as I stepped on scales this morning.. oh well time to re-sharpen the will.

Look - see:

Month Ahead
Never was there a better time to start a new health and fitness regime than on the 3rd. Get your heart and your head together, make a firm resolve and get cracking. There'll be plenty to occupy your time and though you won't always feel appreciated for everything you're doing, you'll be pleased at your conscientiousness. Your well chosen words will help shift difficult discussions along so you'll reckon you're making headway in private wrangles. Then Uranus will send you scattering in all directions around the 13th. Sometimes the less you attempt, the more gets done. So trim it down to essentials. Pluto then reverses into the sign before yours for the final time mid month to stay till late November. So you'll be less obvious in your demands but will be pulling strings behind the scenes. Have another care with cash towards the 21st since you won't be concentrating as hard as usual, indeed may be panicking slightly. Thereafter you'll find affection and support comes from your significant other and you'll be much in demand socially. Though the background rumbles about one unresolved issue won't disappear till July begins.

7 years...

not sure how we managed it, but that's how long we've known each other - keep smiling Sparky!

GFC go Geek!

A-ha - they have emailed to their fans the new season ticket details... £285 will get me 'top class' Div Two football @ home for 2008-09... please feel free to quote this back at me in deepest winter when I am moaning about our performances!! Provided I get my ticket pre August... ah England have scored ... and the neighbours are all back. How unfortunate - just as I was getting used to a certain degree of peace.. oh well back to the ear plugs and loud radio. Night. Oops hang on - England have scored again! Trinidad... 0 - England 2... and they have only been playing for 15mins.. :-)

Think Positively

Don't worry, KAREN - everything in your little corner of the world is fine. Saturn is your ruling planet, and Saturn has a tendency to make you feel very anxious about yourself, your life, and your current circumstances. Saturn is just being cautious and wants you to make sure your roof isn't leaky and your basement is waterproofed. Because you know you've already taken care of the important issues in your life, you don't need to worry so much. Don't forget that the mind, body, and spirit are all connected, and the more stressed out you get, the worse you will feel physically. On Tuesday, the New Moon in Gemini takes place in your sector of health, and you start a new regime with your health and well-being in mind. You may actively try to de-stress yourself and maintain a positive viewpoint. If you can relax a bit, watch your tension headaches and upset stomachs start to ease. You may even find that your skin starts looking better as you tend to break out in a rash when you are nervous or agitated. On Saturday, the Sun conjuncts Mercury retrograde in Gemini, and you will spend a lot of time developing your power of positive thinking.

---
Odd as when I was walking this morning, head still slightly sore and my left shoulder in pain from the weight of my bag on Friday's pm walk - I passed the funeral directors. 'Have you provided enough for your eventual end point?' OK not exactly worded like that but similar!
It dawned on me that as time runs its course and I fail to secure myself to anyone I could possibly die with no-one left alive to bother burying me. Well apart from the local council etc.
Think positively. Yes. Will do. Sometimes walking and thinking is a little too intense for such a small head.
Best walk and sing ... latest tune in my head 'Burning Up'... cheers Kylie! Getting me in a party mood...LOL. Wot a wake!

Weekend

Walked home Friday pm. In record time. Felt tops.

The natural buzz... saw me in the pub. I should have gone after 3. Oh well it was 5. I was genuinely in a good frame of mind though.

Saturday - can't say I did much. Survived. Sweet tea n toast. The best Doctor Who so far...

Sunday - do the stuff of 2 days in 1....maybe a day in bed Saturday was needed though as today has been OK. Washing & ironing all done. Washing up, hoovering all done. Walk. M&S purchases... oops I appear to have bought another dress. Come Dine with Me. Good Ol Ray Mears and the Bush Tucker Man.

And now the rare pleasure of going to bed now and listening to the England game....

Euro 2008

starts on June 7th... now I had to look that up because of course England failed miserably in qualification and are not there (thank heavens - no hype & nonsense this summer - could we ever top Euro 96?).

So the questions are, will you watch and who will you support??

I am controversially going to cheer on Germany...!!

Et tu?

Meanwhile FIFA want to block the number of foreigners playing at club level.. sadly the EU laws may have something to say about that... pity. But worth a fight I feel.

...

arse.
no particular reason.
just how i feel.

Footie Madness

My footie blog ramblings have caused some interest from other fans... I am going to be sourcing some of my snaps for an Oldham fan... you see it really is about communties! NOT money and fewer England players.... We should be able to beat the USA though - surely!!

To avoid

the crippling depression I fell into around this time last year I am NOT going to attend the new partners drinks this evening, even though they are earlier this yea, free and despite the fact last time the wine was very tasty.. fingers crossed. Instead I am going home to watch the England friendly... so that will help no end!

Persistence

You feel invincible, KAREN, and have an inbuilt confidence that is able to overcome almost any obstacle. But you still need to take care while Mercury is retrograde. It turns retrograde on Monday in Gemini and in your work zone. So despite your determination to get ahead, you will need to exercise caution. This is a good time to check that your antivirus software is up-to-date and that you have backed up important data. Keep documents in a safe place so that you know where they are and can reach them easily if necessary. This isn't the best time to buy a new car or computer, either, as you may not get the deal you are hoping. If you have health issues, there may be delays in getting the right treatment, but don't worry as delays can sometimes work in your favor - they are not always a negative. With a focus on your health as well as your job, this is a good time to review your goals and determine whether you are meeting your targets or not. Your joint financial zone is currently an area of great activity, so it's time to get those debts paid off.

Walkabout...

Ray Mears - genius! Kangaroo poo makes fire... tops Sunday TV. Thank you Mr BBC.

'Desert'

Ray Mears is in desert survival mode as he follows in the footsteps of an unsung hero of Australian exploration to find out how John McDouall Stuart became the first European to succeed in crossing this continent from South to North and back again. Ray shows how to wring water from these barren lands and how travelling light is the key to success on such an epic journey. cf Beeb website.

----------------------------

While I am here I must apologise to Monty Don - I had a been a little disrespectful during the week following news he had stepped down from Gardners World. I had not at the time realised he had suffered a stroke. Hopefully he gets better soon - because although I pull my Dad's leg about him it's because I quite like his soft unassuming passion for plants. Get well soon Monty.

----------------------------

Bank Holiday Sunday

Today. Well better than yesterday - after the Archers, went for a walk, cooked proper food for dinner and have managed to only watch TV for the Monaco Grand Prix - well done Lewis and the Sky Sports News for pictures of the Doncaster Rovers win. Well done Donny - there is a footballing God!! Sure Mikey Gee will be glad he made the effort to go to at least one game this season, travelling the short distance down the tube line!!

Oh dear there is a singing worm on TV - advert for West + compost... talking of which my compost bin does appear to creating its own heat too!! Nice.

Well done Donny!

next season Leeds..?

Bank Holiday Saturday

Oh dear. I appear to have spent the day dozing on the sofa feeling sorry for myself or playing a cameo part in multiple 'Midsomer Murders'.

I did get up intending to make the most of the weather - I did get all washing dried and nicely aired. I just didn't manage to leave the flat. I had a wash. Had scrambled egg on toast. Listened to a very amusing 'Fighting Talk'. There my day became a blur. A very delayed hangover maybe or just generally feeling run down. References to my shrinking desire have been countered with the suggestion I am depressed. I'll resist that for now. Preferring sleep. ITV3 and DCI Barnaby. Sleep. My ITV3 horoscopes said it would be a lazy day at which I felt immediately better about my lack of activity. Sleep.

To make matters worse all the usual good Sat pm TV was replaced by the Eurovision Song Contest. WHY?!?!?

So no 'Dr Who'. Boo. Or Doctors of Holby. Tea was pasta and sauce.

I gave up on Midsomer when the episodes where ones I had already seen.. and I diverted to Internet to watch 'Waking the Dead' having missed the Tuesday episode. Intent on going to bed at a reasonable hour I found that Friends Reunited is now free to mail friends on and as time ticked by it was clear I was going to fail in quest for reasonable bedtime. I started doing some research for my Mum about her Dad. The Internet is supposed to make that stuff easier. To a point it does but there are lots of sites now trying to cash in on family tree stuff... and so I got lost in my parents parents past... and before I knew it had gone midnight and I was cold.... that said evenings like this are quite good... time seems to stop and only when you look up do you realise the mind and brain and have been on journeys no TV prog could ever capture.

Bed, get warm and Radio BBC 7 - play about Billy Fury.

Telekon DVD

Ah yes - meant to post this earlier!! Thank you Mr Zig for alerting me to the fact that on the Gary Numan DVD, taken at the Telekon show we attended at the Forum, we can be clearly seen - 'our little heads a couple of times, caught in rapture (or something)'. I shall make sure to purchase and share in the joy of seeing us... it was a rather good gig!! :-)

NooooooooooooMan!!!

Heavy Heart

is one thing - BUT I am firing on all cylinders at work once more. Which is good. For I was considering a major life shake up. A shift in focus and new horizons to conquer. Change is good and its the one thing I dread more than anything. SO I never run away - that's way too scary. I leave because it feels right for me.

Have I mentioned my surfeit of spots yet this week?? You could spend hours trying to join them... clumps of 3 on both sides and on the forehead and chin. Spotty and not distinctly teenage. I'm rambling...

Thanks siserval for dropping by - glad to hear from you and know you are OK... (that's 2 Man U fans who visited my site!!! Brave!)

It is with regret...

that I have to confess I have lost the knack to 'want' somebody. In my twenties it all seemed so simple. To lust and dream of blokes. To imagine ways of seducing them. To sleep with them in your head - first thought in morning, last thought at night. To go out with them and go with the flow.

I fear that thing called 'desire' has all but been kicked out of me. Sure I dream of passionate moments and steamy encounters. But actually doing anything about it... I can't. I freeze. I run through all the consequences and retreat. The spark extinguished. Even just touching someone on the arm or knee. I just don't. There were two occasions today, both of which I ran through in my head. But neither of which I even came close to acting on. Or believed worthwhile of trying.

I wonder if I have any urges left. Has the road become so single laned that I can't face a dual carriageway? Has my need for other things like trust and mutual respect become more important? Maybe I am too self sufficient and 'scary'. Maybe I know my own mind too well.

Yet, I know I have so much to give. Already give.

Not sure where this came from. Well I do know. Past and present all in one day. Never go back maybe? I have vivid recollections - wish I had been less sensible back then. Made a few more mistakes. To fail in somethings is at least a way of knowing you tried. To keep feelings inside for fear of unleashing more anguish. Is that really so sensible?

It is with a heavy heart I approach the weekend...

Dilemma

Do I go to the Summer Party on 6th June... or cut my losses and head to Biggin Hill with my Pater to potentially get sight of the Vulcan - which means going home on the 6th so we can be up and out early on the 7th June???

Nice dress/free drink/adequate company vs tops aeroplane/donuts 'n' coffee/ace company....

Mmm....what would you do?

Man U v Chelsea...

Surely there are other things to talk about?!?!

Friendlies...

as if there is such a thing........

Tuesday 15th July FULHAM (Home) 7.45pm
Thursday 17th July FAVERSHAM (Away) 7.30pm
Saturday 19th July GRAYS (Away) 3pm
Wednesday 23rd July IPSWICH TOWN XI (Home) 7.45pm
Saturday 26th July FOLKESTONE (Away) 3pm
Tuesday 29th July DOVER (Away) 7.45pm
Saturday 2nd Aug THURROCK (Away) 3pm

Important Dates

.. David Bowie ..
-- Pat Rafter --
** Christian Bale **
.. Garry Richards .. LOL

oh no sorry - these sort of dates...
1) Monday 16th June - 10am - FIXTURES RELEASED for DIV TWO!
2) Saturday 9th August - 3pm - SEASON BEGINS!!

It's only been 16 days and as you can see I am suffering. Total loose end. Dangling thread. No wonder I am single - only free for dates between now and August. When most normal people are out doing other things or on holidays..

Capri

I dyed my hair yesterday. No-one commented. So it must look well natural!! Because I'm worth it!! LOL!

Waking the Dead

Tops Tops Tops Drama...

I like it lots! Stimulates the brain cells. Last one tomorrow. Boo.

Incy Wincy Spider

Web. I think mine is detangling of its own accord. I get a strong sense that the threads are separating and falling apart. All the so-called romantic leads are fading. Their realities hitting home for me. How did I get so naive? So rose-tinted? Or have I just got so hungry that all those that strayed onto my web I've decided to devour?

All the internal heartache I have put myself through seems unimportant to anyone but me - the weekend just gone has re-opened my eyes. Reminded me where, with some, I sit on their list. Given a spinning race I'd rather spin my own.

Web. Now I need to spin a different one. Let this be a proper re-thread.

(Can spiders eat slugs?!)

Mileage

Last week I discovered a simple way of extending my me time. I have been taking my walking gear to work and changing into it before leaving the office. As soon as I am out of the doors I cease to be part of it - work/the office. It's been like reclaiming a part of my life that I enjoy - walking. Okay so it's not early in the morning - but with the lighter evenings and a new pair of trainers I have certainly burnt a few miles in the last few days... culminating in walking all the way home on Friday (shame I then found some drinking companions and drank several pints of bitter....) which gave me the greatest buzz (the walk not the beer) - 8 miles in 2 hours dead! Come on! The beer just gave me a dull head the next day. Boo.

Total miles walked (Sun-Sat) - 40.74

Ave per day - 5.82

Falling Into Place

Sometimes life gives you lemons, but occasionally you get a big pitcher of delicious lemonade without even asking for it. KAREN, that's your scenario on Wednesday as lucky Jupiter in Capricorn sextiles Uranus in Pisces. You thought a certain situation would be difficult, so you kept putting it off. Now you will be pleasantly surprised by how easily you navigate your circumstances and how everything simply falls into place. Chalk one up for you! You continue your cycle of cosmic possibilities as the Moon enters Capricorn and conjuncts Pluto on Thursday. Your sense of personal power will be second to none, and your perception and awareness will be strong. You are a practical Earth Sign, and once you couple your common sense with your new insight and discernment, there is no person you cannot outwit and no situation you can't win. Remember that as you go about your daily activities this week, and you will come out ahead in all your interactions and experiences. This weekend, you may receive unexpected thanks from someone you helped in the past. He or she has never forgotten your kindness and will let you know that in a heartfelt way.

Lose the mice

Gain a slug. In my bedroom. Yuk

I lied

I was feeling okay until I read this.... I so DON'T want Leeds to get promoted. Hurts my pride.

Yup really that shallow!

Come on Donny - tomorrow!! :-)

At least the weather has returned to proper football weather! Wet n chilly.

Just as well I purchased a rather sensible (middle aged) water proof whilst in Bristol several weeks ago...pah.

Talking of middle aged - which wasn't really the purpose of this post today my view was sought over the sort of music teenage girls listen too... I am afraid I know not. My teenage years are long behind me. Should I be flattered or disgruntled? There is a real range of ages attributed to me within the department - anything between 43 and 16. If I was self absorbed I may be a bit bothered. Instead I am secretly chuffed that so many have made the effort to think about it - and aren't I mean for not sharing B-D cake with the whole dept?! Otherwise they may actually realise I am over 30... oh well.

Beauty sleep beckons. The curse of being 43 - need more shut eye. Night.

DUPLEX

Printing!
Sainsburys receipts!
Check it out at the check out!

Annie's Finest

"The Saddest Song"

Darling are you feeling
The same thing that I'm seeing
The troubles of the day
Took my breath away
Took my breath away
Now you're no longer talking
And I'm no longer listening
There's nothing left to say
Said it anyway
Said it anyway
And I want you not
And I need you not
I'm dying
Cos this is the saddest song I've got
The saddest song I've got
Darling are you healing
From all the scars appearing
Don't it hurt a lot
Don't know how to stop
Don't know how it stops
Now there's no sense in seeing
The colours of the morning
Hold the clouds at bay
Chase them all away
Chase them all away
And I'm frozen still
Unspoken still
Heartbroken
Cos this is the saddest song I've got
The saddest song I've got

The random song on the tube which kinda says stuff in the way I wish I could. But seldom do. But it captures a stream of thoughts I have had so very close to the surface recently. And that is what makes music so powerful.

Yes. Even Gary. 'Cars'.

The really odd part - I no longer feel sad. I feel energised and adventurous. Not immune, but maybe the vaccine booster helped... Back out to prove my spirits.

Smashing!!

Twas the eve before pay day... so I went to check out the new CW M&S - it is brillant!! Opens to 10pm and any time after 8pm it is practically empty... and my weakness for purchasing undies was once more fully tested... oh well a girl can never have enough sexy bras n panties!! (This was a taster for watching Lee on the Apprentice!)

Chillout

Forgotten how good these albums were...sorry still are...

especially when trying to drown out upstairs and whilst enjoying shredded wheat with soya milk... yum.

Trainers.....

'ASICS stands for "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano“ - a sound mind in a sound body. The powerful alliance of body and soul is the one and only purpose of ASICS sport technologies. You are more than a body and sport is more than a physical thing. It’s about being in tune with your inner self and your surroundings. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever league you are in: Join the party.'

And I thought they were just supposed to protect my feet....

Inspiration

This is a great week for all kinds of projects and plans, and for making progress in regard to them. You will feel on top of it all and keen to press ahead. Expect ideas that are really quite exciting to come out of the blue. You have plenty of reasons to be glad as you are beginning to see a way all your biggest dreams can come true. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together in ways that seem nothing short of miraculous. Romance and creativity are high on the agenda this week. If you run your own business, you are likely to find that opportunities to showcase your talents keep showing up. All you need to do is make the most of them. Don't enter into any dodgy contracts on Wednesday as you may lose out. Get-rich-quick schemes won't work. Sunday brings more fun, plenty of romance, and lots of opportunities to meet up with friends you haven't seen in a while. A new relationship could get off to a great start and looks as though it could be a real meeting of minds. Mars in your joint financial zone is encouraging you to contemplate serious wealth.

Alternately and sounding much more like it...for Monday 12th

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20)If you knew how things were going to pan out it would be easier to make choices. There are decisions you have to make and delaying the inevitable is counter productive. Asking someone else to make your choices for you is an equally as disastrous move. Just take one step at a time and don't think too far into the future. Think for yourself. You're on your own now and the choices before you have to be yours. Call my Capricorn advice line to hear why spending time with close friends who boost your morale and help you see things from a different perspective will be great for your self esteem.

Sunday

Well whilst yesterday I successfully did something with my day, it is fair to say that today I have not.

I awoke stiffly at 9.15am completely unaware of anything. I flicked the radio on and listened to Sportsweek. Got to admire Gary Richardson. Like a terrier with his guests seeking the answers to the questions they don't want to answer. 10am The Archers. Ah the pure decadence of staying in bed with a cuppa and the radio. It got extended this morning as the guest on Desert Island Discs was Annie Lennox. My heroine. So at midday I finally extradited myself from the bed and trudged to the lounge. The sun through the closed blinds still filled the room with bright golden light. I watched the Grand Prix. Listened to the end of the Premiership for 07/08. More salad. Washing up.

I actually spent most of today arsing about with wma files and the mystery that is why they don't all work on any old device. Seems you have to convert DRM files to mp3. I hate technology. When it works it is totally brilliant - I mean thousands of songs on one device that is the size of a ciggy box. But when it doesn't work - you spend HOURS farting about on the web and downloading stuff to make other stuff work. I nearly burnt out the base of a pan whilst steaming potatoes and any hope I had of just sitting and reading my Ian McEwan book went right out the window. Hey ho. Now my Windows Media player is being an ass and my new portable radio - well it does podcasts, they are mp3 but none of my ripped DRM files. I give up.

As for Sunday pm TV. Forget it darlings - its an arid wasteland...

So. So that was the weekend that was. Quite quite dull. Too much time for introspection that's for sure. It dawns on me the reason I find it so difficult to be out loud with my thoughts is because I was always taught that children should be seen but not heard. I am yes now an adult but I never felt I had to shout or talk much to be noticed. If I kept focused and did my best the results would make people notice me. Now it's my curse. Far easier to write it down. Far easier to hid behind a brilliant page of words and grammar and punctuation. Far easier to believe that least said ... soonest mended. And when you have thought things through all the way, it probably is.

Safer.

Less damaging.

Saturday

I awoke with what can only be described as a real sense of emptiness. Nowhere to go. Nothing much to do. No-one to see.

I lay in bed contemplating if my head hurt from too many Early Birds from the previous evening or whether I was just feeling grey for other reasons. I got up. Sloshed a glass of water down my neck, put some washing in the machine and returned to bed.

When I did finally surface at 10am it was driven by my promise to Mazza to purchase a green top for her. It was enough of an incentive to get me washed and dressed. Albeit after a phone call to her, the Jehovah's Witnesses dragging me to the door in my PJ's and Cancer Research cold calling. I left the house at 1pm - the weather heavy and dense with warmth. Retail therapy has it limits. I purchased some much needed new trainers - my others worn from too many miles walked. Some three quarter trousers for said purpose and the green top Mazza wanted. Then to Boots. Hair dye. Argos. DAB portable radio. Next. I tried to resist. Failed. Bought some sandals.

Retail therapy is OK. But it's not the same as getting up, dressing ready for a game and catching a train/coach to go to a venue and lose yourself for 2 hours in the trials of your chosen team. I got back to the house just over an hour later. Time for food. I decided to go for a walk in the evening to avoid the heat. I watched Doctor Who. Then went for a stomp. New trainers passed the test. The evening air was still warm and the sky blue with splashes of red as the sun was slowly free falling down behind the sky line. The blossom and flowers were smelling sweetly. I was in a world of my own. No-one knew where I was, who I was or what the devil was going on in my head. So many internal conversations. Too many perhaps.

As I walked Alexandra Road with my head up drinking in the colours of the trees, no-one much along the street, it was with some surprise that when I dropped my eyes a rather dashing male was walking towards me and smiling. Coat over his shoulder, dark haired. As seemingly carefree as I. As he passed me I did wonder at myself for the strange feeling that waved over me as our eyes met. Life can be so weird at times. Looks of strangers. Smiles.

I continued at full pace only venturing to look behind me when much further down the street. He was not there. Silly me.

By the time I got back home I was very hot. It had been fun though exercising on a Saturday evening when the rest of the world were either dressed up for fun n frolics or sat idly watching TV with with their windows open. I slipped back into my bolt hole in time for 'Casualty' and 'Love Soup'. Thankfully the flat always stays cool. So I could chill back down and be content I hadn't entirely wasted the day, but finding a new weekend routine always takes time.

Go the Lichties!

Just for you pc anon! Didn't realise they were in the frame for play off promotion - good luck to them! (But not your other team!! ;-) Blue is the colour in those races)

Tops read...

Am currently engrossed in 'The Child in Time' by Ian McEwan. A book I acquired after a trip to meet an Internet date in East Anglia some 3 years ago. It is brilliantly written (in my opinion) - the descriptions of his train journey from London Victoria and his changing relationship with his parents struck so many cords. Am looking forward to discovering more of his work after this read...

This book comes hot the heels of 'The Ballad of Peckham Rye' by Muriel Spark; (lots of dialogue, little prose and does the Rye still exist? good observational piece tho) and 'A Good School' & 'Cold Spring Harbour' both by Richard Yates. More American literature - interesting parallels between the two, not as good as 'The Revolutionary Road' however.

Have to say its quite nice to be back in London albeit fictionally.

GFC News

You see though the season has ended the news stories do not...

players will come and players will go
que cera cera

Todays in and outs: Simon Royce has put pen to paper on a new 12 month contract (That's good news!). Fellow 'keeper Derek Stillie has retired (that's sad news - he had been valiant recently with safe hands Royce out) while Leroy Griffiths (a genuine shame), Craig Stone, Kevin Maher, Barry Cogan, Geroges Ba (SO why did we GET him?!?!?) and Kelvin Jack (ABOUT BL00DY TIME!!) have been released.

****ADDITIONAL FLASH****

Apparently according to the official GFC site Crofts and King have pledged their commitment to stay. If this is true I am rather happy!! Good call lads!

Popularity

People keep asking how I deal with it - not really sure it is that - just think it comes with being single...good or bad. Who can say.

Summer...

I know its only May - but it looks as if it is here - for a week at least. (Well its been 6 days already!!)

SO I get to tear my hair out each morning deciding what to wear. This is a challenge as I need a jacket or something to put MP3 into so when I walk at mach 3.0 the tunes do not bounce and scupper my player. Yesterday leather coat - too warm by far - especially on a very slow SWTrain back to Wimbledon. Today body warmer.. Not sure yet. Ask me after walk home. I also after many years find skirts less comfortable than you blokes may think. Today is the neutral stitch option and a vest top with seethru-ish blouse. Days like these I get a weird hankering for darkness and invisibility. On the other hand I also get a hankering to don three quarter length trousers, fill a bottle of water, slap on some sun block and go for a jolly good walk. Soon.

I did though yesterday take another of Gok's pieces of advice - and wore non-thongs. Apparently real knickers help promote your booty. (And I am all in favour of promotion as opposed to relegation right now). My VPL - well no-one commented. Did it make a difference? Not sure to be honest. I guess so. Shrugs. My voice has not come down any octaves so perhaps not!

There is a positive side to the warm weather - I get to chuckle at the fashion disasters and successes of others. I can almost feel those sandals rubbing.....

Blur - Resigned

I think too much
on things i want too much
it makes me hateful
and i say stupid things
only you can fill my blank heart
and i'm resigned to that
i wish the sun
could just keep me warm
and i'm resigned to that
i'll forget to breathe someday
i've never stopped to think why...

cf Modern Life is Rubbish 1993

Not quite

Bottom!

Leeds Utd 2 Gillingham 1 - Relegation

Was not totally unexpected. I have had much time to consider its consequence since Saturday's game. I have been philosophical (emotionally exhausted), angry (cold light of day) and sad (stark realisation of next season). However the facts stand for themselves. We failed repeatedly to get the second goal and close a game. 3 points kept eluding us and we ended up with only 1 point for more games than I care to mention.

The final day of the season itself started at 7.15am when the double decker coach left Sittingbourne station and we began our 5 hour trip up the A1 to Leeds. We got to Elland Road at 1.30pm (well with pick ups and a 45 min stop it makes sense!) and spent about another 20mins just trying to get into the car park. The place was buzzing.

Gillingham had sold 1,300 tickets and as there were only 5 coaches quite a lot of fans had got up there under their own steam. We were up in the South East Upper stand. In the corner. A small enclave surrounded by 38000 Leeds fans. The programme was free. Well Bates was using it to promote his oh so wonderful team. The coverage for the away team. 3 pages. Pitiful.

Dad & I took our seats at 1.55pm. Nervous energy had us not worrying about drinks or food or anything. The team (minus my man Garry Richards - boo) came out to warm up. The Gills fans sang relentlessly as Elland Road filled with the white shirts of Yorkshire and beyonds fan base. The blue of our corner just kept belting it out. Before the game started at 3pm, we saw the Kaiser Chiefs take a bow and then to subdue all the singing fans 3 tenors came out onto the pitch and sang some rather good operatic music. It stunned all the fans into a bemused silence. The calm before the storm. Before we could blink we were kicking off. As the Leeds team stood poised to kick off the first half the Gills players came over to our corner - clapped us and set about the task.

It was going to be one of those games. We had some very enthusiastic fans in front of us - who were not going to sit down, but were instead going to wave their shirts above their heads, stand and turn to those of us behind and try to conduct the singing. They really did not need too and all the time they were standing - so were we. The stewards were not at all happy. But I was not sitting down and NOT seeing the game. This was everything to me.

I am not sure you can ever explain to non-football fans the sensation of being part of a group of a 1,000+ passionate singing voices. The beating of your heart. The loss of awareness for anything except singing as loud as possible and giving 100% of your belief. Being at Elland Road on Saturday will live with me for as long as the trips to Wembley, Highbury, Stamford Bridge, the Britannia Stadium (we managed to stay up) and the fateful trip to the County Ground when Forest sent us down in 2005. All days which take your emotions to the highest heights and the lowest lows.
Today though we were singing in the belief that if we won the rest would take care of itself. Cheltenham had to lose as did Bournemouth (thx to Zig for the updates & general all day support!) - as you can imagine there were radio's, mobiles and general noises made throughout the game about the other scores - but it was all meaningless if we didn't win. We started brightly - easily the more in control and certainly looking like a team who wanted to win. When the goal went in (Simeon Jackson, 20 minutes) the SE Upper went utterly MENTAL!! Dad & I were hugging each other and anyone else to hand. The noise levels just rose and rose. The Leeds crowd were very very silent. We didn't care. We were small in numbers but large in voice.

Half time. We had not got a second. By now we also knew Cheltenham were 1 up. And Bournemouth were drawing. I was fretting. During April I have watched all Gillingham's games. I knew that without he cushion of a second goal we were vulnerable to late equalisers or worse flukey winners a la Swansea.

So on the 69th minute the nails started going in the coffin. Donny had equaliser. But so had Leeds. We had to summon the energy and drive to get another goal. For whatever reason the manager made substitutions which did not help my mood. Miller on for Mulligan - got to be a mistake. It was. Great to see Oli and Griffiths come on tho. But despite throwing the kitchen sink at them - our least favourite minute - 88 - saw Leeds get the winner. Trigger had a goal mouth fumble and missed. So close. So so close. But it was not to be. Much like our season.

'Que Cera Cera

Whatever will be will

We're going to Shrewsbury

Que Cera Cera.'

Cheltenham had also won so no amount of us scoring and winning would have made any difference.

There was an ovation for the team and they were humbled and clapped us as if we had played too. They were crest fallen. The electric atmosphere and joint will was now a squib. The chants for Scally to leave began once again. My phone suddenly came to life. Some with sympathy, others to gloat.

You see supporting a team has its ups and downs. Gillingham are now back where they were when I first started watching them. Philosophically I hope if we keep the core players we can build on the solid performances and see ourselves rise back up through the divisions. BUT that depends on our chairman NOT doing a runner with the ground - our one asset. Otherwise I fear the worse. No ground. No cash and worst of all possibly no team.

Dad & I pushed our way through gloating Leeds fans back to the coach - but my heart was not as heavy as it had been when I returned from Nottingham by myself in 2005 - 2 days after my boyfriend had moved out and facing the reality my team were out of the Championship and into Division One. Not a good May that one.

This year relegation does not hurt as much, I have been predicting it since February - but I am angry that the club has declined so easily. The heart of a lion is among the fans but the money and rumours have stifled our progression.

I hope Stimson is given a chance. I hope we can get rid of the waste of space members of the squad (which totals some 39 names?!) and build a plucky, solid and tough side - who defend bravely and score effortlessly - only more so and better than the other clubs in Division Two.

SO trips to look forward too? Well Brentford and Barnet are close to home - and these are some other yet to be visited grounds....
Bradford
Morecambe
Bury
Lincoln City
Grimsby
Accrington Stanley
Shrewsbury
Macclesfield
Dag & Red
Notts County
Chester

The coach trip back to Kent took exactly 5 hours and as many Leeds fans came back on the M1 as us. Charmers. NOT. I listened to a 'Bit of Blur' by Alex James and then Blur on random. The day summed up by 'Sing' and 'For Tomorrow'. I felt okay. I felt it had been a good day despite the outcome. I knew I could not have been anywhere else... and I know I'll be there next season - cheering on the extended family.

UTG

Have Fun

You resolve to let more fun into your life on Monday, thanks to the New Moon in your sector of play, entertainment, and amusements. You are ruled by Saturn, the demanding, karmic planet of the cosmos. It's true that Saturn gives you a lot of good stamina and enables you to keep your feet on the ground, but you also need to explore your silly self at times, and this week that is exactly what you will do. Of course, you will still make clear and considered decisions, and no matter what, you will never trust a con artist or hand over your hard-earned money to a snake oil salesperson, but you will kick back and enjoy yourself more than you have in a long time, and that's good news for you. On Sunday, the Sun in Taurus sextiles inventive Uranus in your sector of communication and self-expression, and you are able to talk to the people you meet in a very easy and affable manner. Sometimes you put your guard up and find casual conversation a bit difficult. Now you will express yourself and your thoughts easily and comfortably with everyone you know. Your social life should pick up quite a bit.

Maybe

Being a badger has a plus side!

The Last Waltz

UTG

Here we go

Gills fans

En route. Spirits quite high.. For now.

COME ON THE BLUES!

Not gonna get much chance to blog until after the trip to Leeds. SO unlike many other fans on the MB's arguing amongst themselves and Scally making a turkey of himself on TalkSport by all accounts - I only really have one thing to say.

UP THE GILLS!

I'll follow you over land and sea, and to Leeds and take the good with the bad... For the statto's amongst you - here is a good overview!!

Photo of the day

For Millwall Matt...

PMT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All variants!!!

Pre Match Tension amongst them...

Merry May by the Way...