Did you want

words too?

Oh well. Maybe soon...

I have joined the gym and am toying between London Studies and Philosophy for my extra curricular studies... (based on an enlightening conversation I had with someone today... who also thought a 'round' with me would make him the luckiest man in the world....gosh isn't beer a bad judge. I was on wine.)

Emotionally I am drained. Yet somehow today's relentless sun, beautiful plants and views have given me hope (yes even despite the naff London transport experience, District line suspended on Richmond branch and Northern line suspended Morden to Ken this evening not that that affected me - the over land train was top dog today).

It seems all my key contacts had a good day today as well for one reason or the other - from sand castles, to tops lunch hours, to cricket at Canters - today seemed to be a day of people feeling at ease. And my friends letting me know either by text or email and indeed thanks to Lisa for the suggested day and venue. It meant a lot. Long live the British summer. Long live my spirit. Long live positive vibes and individuals finding their strengths.

Tops day @ Kew

Glasshouses rock!

Billabong

The hole that caused the great sw19 flood

Me on

Tree top walk

Self-Exploration

Get ready to do a little self-exploration this week, KAREN, and yes, you will be on a quest - a quest to know yourself better! Friday the strong energy of the New Moon and Solar Eclipse in Leo in your sector of self-realization and transformation will catapult you into discovery mode. You want to know why you act the way you do and why you make the decisions you do, and that's just for starters. You are a very practical and pragmatic Zodiac sign, and your common sense tells you that your chances for contentment increase if you make positive choices for yourself. That's just part of the reason you want to learn as much about yourself as possible, but it's certainly a good place to start! Sunday you get lucky, and a problem you have is easily solved as the Moon in Virgo trines beneficial Jupiter in Capricorn. This is a great time to tackle any projects you have that you have put off because you will be able to fly right through them. You may decide to buy yourself a small lottery ticket, but don't spend too much - your good fortune may not extend to your wallet.

GAvA

Guild of Aviation Artists.... good stuff!

Block 16 - Silver Bullet - my fav!

Weekend

Ah.

Yes.

Think this weekend I finally lost my patience. Fed up with few calls. No invites and never being considered - I asked Sparky to forget me. I can't find a new companion if there is a connection between us as my loyalty won't won't permit it. Meanwhile he doesn't want to let me help him as he tries to find a new job, let alone see him preferring to only let me see him when he is on the up... so I can't win. All I do is spend too much time by myself - waiting and hoping. Being fitted in when it suits his plans. Which hurts me as I'd do anything for him. But arms length hurts.

Friday a few beers to the wind I called him. Sure enough the pub came before finding me, probably as I was a bit too honest. I'll see you Saturday. Which with rugby and everything else I knew wouldn't happen. It didn't. A text invite arrived at 3pm today. I was in town with folks having gone to a rather excellent aircraft art exhibition. We found a pub and had a roast. Yum!

It's been a warm weekend. The shower was a dribble this morning. I realised Friday night how normal and well adjusted I am as I observed the madness around me. The evening stirring all sorts of emotion.

The sooner I sort my night class out the happier I will be.

In the meantime before my looks desert me and my vitals droop I want to give myself the chance to find an appreciative person to spend sometime with and share some experiences. Or if not be sure enough to stride on out and be successful. Is that so selfish?

Floods...

How pleasant for the time of year... and so close to home too...

Erm

Bit late to get tickets!

New Horizons

A meeting over the Internet or in person, KAREN, may bring more than you bargained for on Tuesday. Someone is going to have some wild and wacky experiences to share with you, and you will be very intrigued by them. They may come up with business ideas, or they may deliver to you their own homespun philosophy on life. But whatever it is, you will find their company very engaging. The Sun moves out of your partnership zone and into your eighth house on Tuesday, and Mercury moves in on Saturday. It's time to talk about your joint financial affairs with anyone who may be able to help. Brainstorm ideas about how you can get your money to work for you, and think about where you can safely invest it. Your sex life may also be more prolific, and this looks to be a great time to enjoy getting closer to your lover. You will find that you become a lot more passionate about life in general. When Mars trines Jupiter on Saturday, you may decide to take a risk and do something that opens new doors for you. It is time to be bold and get out of the rut.

Weekend Lowlights

Mark not Louis going through to the final of Masterchef
English cricket (WICKETS!!! Where are they?)
Eating a packet of Crisps
Film: Derailed (what an obvious plot line that had)
Noisy neighbours - all sides
Not going to Farnborough - missing the Vulcan
Not talking to a single human all day Sunday
Missing Top Gear
Forgetting a password and a the security question

Weekend Highlights

Chipolatas for breakfast
Seeing the house tidy at least
Not getting crushed in the Next Sales
Buying a skirt and wearing it
Having a chat with the lad on the check out who I spoke to Friday pm
Not having a hangover despite a pint of bitter, a pint of Guinness and a pint of Bulmers
Chicken n flagelot beans with chili n balsamic vinegar - very tasty
Dried washing
Going for morning walk when the weather was lovely
Crisp ironed washing
The Archers
Clean oven
I'm Sorry I haven't a clue
Lewis Hamilton winning German Grand Prix in some style
Mental prep for cake bake... it's been a while since I baked for others. Food the gifts of love.

Not if but when?

I am in the throes of writing my personal life change mandate. Call it Project Bring Back the Sparkle..

Several distinct strands... for each there is a long pro and con list but the action of review and goal setting is what I need. Some fresh targets, some fresh pastures. New challenges. I have become overshadowed or swallowed by my routine and I need to create a chink so I can forge ahead.

Last weekend and during my trip to Paris with my Mum, I treated her abysmally. I was rude. Pig headed. Silent. Hard. Cruel. I was protecting myself in a shell of self loathing. I felt I had nothing worth saying. So I said nothing. I made her uncomfortable and feel like shite.

Last Sunday before my Mum left I did relent. I still can't say what's hurting me so much, be it the world around me seeming better than mine, people I know being happier more settled than I, or the feeling of emptiness and usedness I feel, or the never ending regret that my bro is half a world away, or the fact that I feel I have underachieved and got so little to show for my life, but my Mum made the very real note that I was a very angry person and that I had been terrible to her. She also observed that I had stopped loving myself and was hurting all those around me. (we are too alike). I asked why she hadn't slapped me for it - made me face my behaviour. She cried. I felt toughening and pity and then I hated myself even more. She was right. I hate myself and I am currently taking that out on others. Especially those who I think care too much. I don't feel worth it. My week has been fraught. I have made my mum cry and I have maintained an air of resistance. I have tried to redefine some of my lines too. Been overly frank with people. My self destruction not quite complete. Just need to create a sense of space around me.

Consequently I feel less angry this weekend.

I have walked. I have tried to eat well. My anger this weekend smothered but it has been bubbling under the surface.

I have also taken a few tentative steps towards re-liking myself.

Some research, some ideas.

I have a long list and I need to be realistic and somehow re-grow my sense of self worth and purpose.

I am not proud of myself and I should be less intense about the world. But this is me and as another year rolls by I have to know that I didn't stay staring at the rut walls that I have seen before me now for the last year...or so.

So expect holidays, courses, weird and wonderful stories or expect nothing and be richly rewarded.

Have a good week all.

My photos

Get everywhere!!

Have reviewed and updated my Flickr photostream too - well I was doing okay until my home internet connection dropped off last night...

Paris - Thursday

Tour Eiffel

Grand Palais

Pont Alexandre III

Notre-Dame


Place de L'Hotel de Ville
Pont Neuf

Pont des Arts
Pont Alexandre III

Pont Neuf at night!

Paris - Friday

View from the top of the Arc de Triomphe

Grand Palais

Henri Moore - Jardin des Tuileries

Musee D'Orsay
Musee du Louvre

Opera de Paris Garnier


Musee du Louvre

Jardin des Tuileries

La Seine

Paris - Saturday

Hotel des Invalides/Musee d l'Armee - Napoleon's Tomb

Homeward bound - Gare du Nord

A New Road...

You knew that your life was going to change in a big way, KAREN; you just didn't realize it was going to happen so soon! You are a creature of habit, and your routine means a lot to you, so it's very hard for you to break out of your normal boundaries. On Friday, the Full Moon takes place in Capricorn in your sector of self, and you are encouraged to take a new road in your life journey. You have resisted this change for a while, but this week, you come to the conclusion that it's in your own best interest to embrace the new opportunity that has opened up for you. Yes, it's an untested road, and you might fail, but if you don't try, you will always regret not exploring your new prospect. On Saturday, your desires overtake your common sense as Mercury in Cancer opposes extravagant Jupiter in Capricorn. You know that you shouldn't go off your diet, but how can you resist a double chocolate ice cream sundae, especially when your friend is buying? It's OK to indulge yourself, but remember, you need to get back on the scales - and your regimen - once you've had your treat.

Influences...

... and moments of a Parisian trip... from St Pancras to Paris...

the human condition still baffles and intrigues....

Alone by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

Twenty Thousand Streets Under the Sky by Patrick Hamilton

Me in Paris...

Too many sights. Too many thoughts. A head full of art, sculpture, architecture, bridges, statues etc etc.

And only got rained on once.

Walked a total of 36 miles in 3 days...

lots of photos - I will upload some soon...

truly great city.

The city of lovers and muses....

Fame?

My photo of Williamstown, Melbourne has been shortlisted for inclusion on a travel web site - Schmap!!
You can look at the original and others here...
And whilst on my Flickr account I spotted a comment from a friend I hadn't heard of in yonks - which also made me smile!!

It's fair to say

I was starting to suspect the people I had booked 2 nights away to Paris with did not exist... each time I emailed or phoned I got blank replies or indeed office away due to an evacuation.... so i ventured to St Pancras last night to see if my reference number would produce tickets. It did not. Yet the company has already taken my cash... never fear. A quick phone call this morning has heralded a ref number a sense of relief.

The Internet may make things quicker - but for a better user experience please can they also give you the vital details you need sooner. Thank you.

Anyway research into Hotel and knowledge that travel ok I can begin to relax and look forward to it... even got me maps out last night... C'est la vie!

Today

I am going to try and be 'normal'. A bit brighter perhaps.
No doubt it will make people suspicious...and there are no further guarantees...

I'll let you know how I get on...

S.O.S

You might have noticed I am not writing much at the moment. I can't.

I am numb.

I thought the heart was a sturdy muscle. And yes its still pumping blood around my carcass. But all sense of emotion has dimmed. My humour has deserted me. I have admitted a crisis of confidence but instead of pulling myself out of it I am sinking.

I am contemplating professional help. To talk to someone who won't judge me or try and push me in a specific direction. Who won't look at me with pity. I need to feel comfortable with myself again so I can make the changes in my life that I know I must make - in order to save my soul.

I am though grateful to those around me who are keeping patient with me. I suspect if any one of you poked hard enough I would explode in one way or the other. But for now I am holding on. Just. I am not sharing because I suspect the answers are inside me.

Just spent 3 hours playing computer games. No TV. No food. No walk.

Now I am going to hide in dreams. Life feels better there.

Google Analytics...

I had over 200 visits to my blog on 8th June...?! WHY?!?!?! And the American audience visit second most to the UK one... interesting tool.

Horror Scopes.....Be Persistent (not pessimistic)

For the week... There is one day this week that could ruin your optimism if you allow it to, KAREN. But as you are primed to deal with frustration and delay and to even enjoy the process, you may get off lightly. Up until Thursday, life seems positive and easygoing. You seem to get on well with your partner and with others in general. There is an upbeat aura around you that encourages others to relax and feel good in your presence. On Thursday, problems seem to take place in your travel and adventure zone. If you happen to be traveling abroad, you may find that you are delayed or that your passage from one place to another is immeasurably slow. Try not to burst a blood vessel, and go with the flow. You may find that being held up was the best thing that could have happened as it resulted in a happy coincidence or two. As Mercury zips into your partnership zone on Thursday, you get plenty of opportunities to talk to your loved one. Don't just chitchat; make an effort to discuss those subjects that will help you to appreciate each other a little bit more. Your sex life improves from Saturday, too.


For Monday 7th... Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20) Joining a group or society is a good way to fight feelings of aloneness or alienation. If you're new to an area, don't hide yourself behind closed doors; get out into the community around you. The longer you keep to yourself and play the recluse, the more difficult it will be to break free. You might misjudge people because you don't see them as they truly are, just as people will mistake your shyness for aloofness.

For Tuesday 8th....Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20) Personal problems you've been plagued by for a while can no longer be ignored. Either spend some time on your own deciding how you're going to deal with it or consult a professional. Constructing a long range plan is necessary if you are to feel more secure about the future. A partner or parent is trying to clip your wings. You are no longer content to do their bidding; you're ready to demand more freedom.

I am exhausted

What a great final

Tops win!