It's ok

I am alive and well!

In fact last Friday I had had such a tops week I truly thought I was invincible - I even got to chat to the object of a long distance crush that I have had since I moved to CW... spooky! Hey ho.. this and news about Mark Shaw, new stereo, cassette tapes, Gills in the play offs and the impending return of my parents.. erm are possibly likely to appear here sometime in mid May....!!! I hope - there has been so much to report back on but I have been too busy and then too tired to get round to it.. but you have all been in my thoughts in the meantime.

Hope you are all well...

UTG!!

Off to swimming now!!

Clearing Clutter

As Mars has now moved into your home zone, karen, a burst of enthusiasm may be encouraging you to clear out clutter and get on with any projects that have been on the backburner. If you are finding it difficult to move from room to room without feeling despair at all the junk accumulating in the corners and on tabletops, this is the time to do something about it. Your energy levels will rise dramatically once the rubbish has gone. So be ruthless, and get rid of anything that you don't need. Simplify your life, and you will have more freedom on all levels. With Venus in this zone, it is a good time to entertain, whether you want to invite business colleagues, family, or friends around. However, as Venus squares Pluto on Saturday, don't arrange anything at this time as it may not be as pleasant an experience as you had hoped. Mercury moves into Gemini and into your health zone on Thursday, encouraging you to research your options in this area. If you want to get into shape, talk to fitness fanatics and personal trainers, read books, or surf the Internet for the answers. At work, you are keen to share your ideas and to promote discussion on areas of interest.

Up the Gills!

Be Yourself

karen, you are finally ready to be yourself and show the world who you really are, no questions asked, and that's wonderful! You have struggled for a long time with low self-esteem, and you have often found yourself playing a role when you deal with others. On Thursday, the bold Sun in Taurus trines potent Pluto in Capricorn in your sector of self, and your confidence and self-assurance will rise high. Your bold new faith in yourself will enable you to strut your stuff proudly! After all, what difference does it make what anyone thinks of you and your lifestyle as long as you are happy with yourself and your choices? You have waited a long time to set the record straight with a family member and settle the long-standing issues that keep you and your relative apart, and on Friday, you and your loved one will finally have the opportunity to reconcile your differences as lovely Venus enters Aries and your sector of home and family. You and your family member will be able to start afresh and forge new bonds of communication and affection. You might also decide to revamp your home décor and begin an ambitious new decorating project for your living space.

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You know this may actually be right?!

Scenic huh!

Come on Gills!

Good moon

Good night

I failed

to go to football on Saturday.

Lack of belief in myself, let alone the team.

In fact I can honestly say my weekend was pretty desperate. Crying. No-one to talk to.

No confidence in anything. SO I stayed in. Hidden.

I have though turned a slight corner today.

I fear a spring clean is due.

Lost In Contemplation

karen, you are an earthy Mountain Goat, and while you love your own backyard, you also have the desire to climb mountains and explore locales that are different from your own. On Tuesday, the Moon in your sector of travel opposes restless Uranus in Pisces, and you will find it almost impossible to stick to your daily routine. You may find yourself browsing the Internet for travel deals or lost in contemplation reading brochures that promise trips to exotic destinations. Remember that you still have to go to the bank and pick up your prescriptions at the pharmacy, so try not to forget about your errands. A long-term issue with a friend is finally resolved on Saturday as clever Mercury, the planet of communication, trines potent Pluto in Capricorn in your sector of self. You and your associate have been on the outs lately, and now you will have the right words to say to him or her as you take the first step toward reconciliation. You have a lot of deep feelings and a big heart, but sometimes you find it awkward to express your emotions to others. Watch how easily you are able to open up to the people in your life this week.

I hope so. Before I drive everyone away and myself in front of a bus

Newsflash!

so 15 police vehicles have just gone haring up the road towards the Bank of England.... oooh! And the helicopter is getting closer... and now I can see police outside. Not in riot gear tho.

G20

Well so far today the protests have had little impact on me. I did opt for a green jumper to signal my commitment to climate issues in my dress down day attire. The tube into Bank tube station was eerily quiet this morning - very much like Christmas. At 9.15am there were few people about. I didn't see any police until I got to the far end of Cheapside. I do not imagine it to be quite so laid back so this evening.

Now as the beeb website suggests tensions are rising the police helicopter continues circling above the city, as I look out of my office window, watching as the various four horsemen converge on the Bank of England. No more than usual sirens.

Not convinced the protesters will have the legs or pre-arranged authority to walk this far up.

The sad truth is that people, like me, with a conscious, are paralysed by apathy and are sitting still as opposed to joining in. Maybe with increased numbers the voices would be heard and a change made...and all the scare stories mooted over the last week would have been viable.

G20 - London. All Fools Day.

Apparently I need to dress down tomorrow. And security in the building is stepped up.
Red tights?
How did the world get into such a broken mess?

Last night..

I dreamt very vividly of Konrad. Its been ages since I even thought about him. Very odd. And yet strangely comforting. The night before I dreamt Lisa and I were in a world siege situation. Again very odd. I somehow feel very disconnected from people at the moment. Whether its because time away from routine had disturbed my norm or whether its the general disruptions going on in the world making me feel more exposed I am not sure. I also feel adrift with my parents being so far away. Footie without my dad is strange. Tho on Saturday I met a father and son on the train to Brentford and we had a good chat about the team and our season. They even trusted me to get them to the ground in one piece. I have moments when I do feel as if I am talking to strangers like that or in shops just to confirm I do exist and am not blending into the background. On other occasions perversely I shy away from being noticed.

Thursday evening a few of us were out for a beer - but it was my enthusiasm and passion for London that sparked the Landlord to take me and a colleague for a tour of the local vicinity to point out more treats of architecture and London history. Then to the cellar of the bar and my 6th pint. I was alive. Me. No supports no pretence just me. I felt so great being me. My interests and curiosities. A side of myself I sometimes forget or keep hidden. It was helped too when they aged me at 29! Hooray!! It also reminds me I still have a weeks worth of London holiday snaps and days out to share. Its important to me.

Have I been dragged back into the self doubting work space mindset quite so easily or am I just suffering my once a month inner loathing? Who knows.

I watched 'Crash' last night on Film4. I really enjoyed it. The interwoven stories. The starkness between white, black, wrong and right.

I feel bad because I left getting tickets to see the Actor's latest board treading too late and they are all sold out. I wanted to see the next production. I wanted to be part of that again. Now I won't be and I hope it won;t be misinterpreted as a snub. I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I spend hours sorting out other stuff and the bits which are important I neglect.

What else? Last Wednesday I saw Graham Norton walking two dogs. On Feb 22nd I saw Steve Claridge football legend at Waterloo. The same day my trust in others was shattered. Heightened awareness.

Today it felt like anything I said was not what people wanted to hear. So much for being a match for anyone. Three's a crowd. Always has been. As friends hook up with lovers and marry you become a crowd. Not intentionally.

All being well I will have a project success tomorrow after months of toil and politicking. Will I crow about it? I think not. Its the sum of many parts. Maybe I'll bake a cake tomorrow evening and kill everyone with my maternal kindness. Which reminds of Waking Sunday. I was cradling a child. I was lying on my back and in my half waken state it was if I was holding a baby. Warmth. Lovingly holding part of me.

I got up and watched the Grand Prix. Well done Jenson. Well done Hamilton despite the shackles of your car. And Melbourne looked beautiful and I felt very far away from my family. How will it be when, when its not so temporary. How does Camilla deal with it? Boy it was good to see her last Tuesday in the office. Relaxing. Like a gentle reminder of the other sides to life.

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Where does this prose leave me?

Not sure. As ever.

It feels better just letting it all spill out in no particular order or form.

Last night I dreamt somebody loved me.