Last night..

I dreamt very vividly of Konrad. Its been ages since I even thought about him. Very odd. And yet strangely comforting. The night before I dreamt Lisa and I were in a world siege situation. Again very odd. I somehow feel very disconnected from people at the moment. Whether its because time away from routine had disturbed my norm or whether its the general disruptions going on in the world making me feel more exposed I am not sure. I also feel adrift with my parents being so far away. Footie without my dad is strange. Tho on Saturday I met a father and son on the train to Brentford and we had a good chat about the team and our season. They even trusted me to get them to the ground in one piece. I have moments when I do feel as if I am talking to strangers like that or in shops just to confirm I do exist and am not blending into the background. On other occasions perversely I shy away from being noticed.

Thursday evening a few of us were out for a beer - but it was my enthusiasm and passion for London that sparked the Landlord to take me and a colleague for a tour of the local vicinity to point out more treats of architecture and London history. Then to the cellar of the bar and my 6th pint. I was alive. Me. No supports no pretence just me. I felt so great being me. My interests and curiosities. A side of myself I sometimes forget or keep hidden. It was helped too when they aged me at 29! Hooray!! It also reminds me I still have a weeks worth of London holiday snaps and days out to share. Its important to me.

Have I been dragged back into the self doubting work space mindset quite so easily or am I just suffering my once a month inner loathing? Who knows.

I watched 'Crash' last night on Film4. I really enjoyed it. The interwoven stories. The starkness between white, black, wrong and right.

I feel bad because I left getting tickets to see the Actor's latest board treading too late and they are all sold out. I wanted to see the next production. I wanted to be part of that again. Now I won't be and I hope it won;t be misinterpreted as a snub. I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I spend hours sorting out other stuff and the bits which are important I neglect.

What else? Last Wednesday I saw Graham Norton walking two dogs. On Feb 22nd I saw Steve Claridge football legend at Waterloo. The same day my trust in others was shattered. Heightened awareness.

Today it felt like anything I said was not what people wanted to hear. So much for being a match for anyone. Three's a crowd. Always has been. As friends hook up with lovers and marry you become a crowd. Not intentionally.

All being well I will have a project success tomorrow after months of toil and politicking. Will I crow about it? I think not. Its the sum of many parts. Maybe I'll bake a cake tomorrow evening and kill everyone with my maternal kindness. Which reminds of Waking Sunday. I was cradling a child. I was lying on my back and in my half waken state it was if I was holding a baby. Warmth. Lovingly holding part of me.

I got up and watched the Grand Prix. Well done Jenson. Well done Hamilton despite the shackles of your car. And Melbourne looked beautiful and I felt very far away from my family. How will it be when, when its not so temporary. How does Camilla deal with it? Boy it was good to see her last Tuesday in the office. Relaxing. Like a gentle reminder of the other sides to life.

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Where does this prose leave me?

Not sure. As ever.

It feels better just letting it all spill out in no particular order or form.

Last night I dreamt somebody loved me.