Inbetween Days

Ah.

So my plans to travel the length and bredth of the UK have so far been blighted by the weather. Did at least get back from Kent to London - no easy feat - few centimetres of snow and the line grinds to a halt.

Managed to get to Swansea. The weather on the way down was brilliant - cold and clear skies. So could watch as I passed Reading, Swindon, Bristol Parkway (that was a flash back and a half) under the tunnel to Newport, Cardiff Central, Bridgend, Port Talbot, Neath and Swansea. Met John and went to his parents for a cuppa during which it was confirmed that the game was off. Blast. So after tea we hit the Mumbles mile. Good evening of beer and chit chat. Thursday John and I drove to Rhossili Beach on the Gower. Very bracing especially as the sleet started and by the time we drove back the snow was settling. I couldn't get over the desolation so close to the city. The beach was a few miles long and there were brave people surfing! The cows looked miserable but I can imagine that in summer it is a great place to go walking. Had a cuppa in the Worms Head hotel and about turned. Nearly missed train - but made it with 5 mins to spare! The train journey was less exciting. Few teenagers in the carriage drinking and smoking - got off at Neath to avoid conductor. Got dark quickly and was fairly quiet until Cardiff. London - tourists, sale shoppers and a tube suffering - took over an hour to get back to SW19. Grr. Bigger Grr still the re-arrnaged game is Tues 31st January - a Tuesday evening kick-off and NO refunds on tickets - how the hell are people supposed to make one then? More annoying as the 7th Jan was a free slot for both clubs and would have allowed us all to go. More irritating is the fact that the weekend of the 28th I will actually be in Exeter so could nip across - but it gets expensive and a hassle. So no extra ground to add to my tally. BOO!!!

Watched a Kevin Spacey film last night - The Shipping News - about a widower returning to Newfoundland and the challenges that bought. Good cast.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a tube strike - the game should be on at Gillingham - well the weather is due to go up a few degrees and here in SW19 there hasn't been any snow fallen or settled. Escaped! The key question is then will the game be on in Huddersfield on Monday? Long coach trip to take should it be that the game is then off - which will not please me in my attempt to do something for myself on my birthday - anything to keep my expectations and sights low!

Had contact from a hot and sweaty Sydney last night - seems its too cold for me here and too hot for him there! Typical! On good form which brightened the evening.

Okay enough chat - time to go for a walk! TTFN.

Snow!

Ah so that's Christmas over and done with - phew! Managed to get back from Kent today - weird once the train was through Rochester there was no snow! Strange how a few centimetres can bring the train line to a halt... Oh well. Back to London - hoping the weather doesn't close in too much - really looking forward to my trip to Swansea tomorrow.

Spoke to Stu Christmas Eve and Day - seemed to be having fun with Emma and Eileen - in the garden! He spent Boxing Day at the test match - but I think he and the ladies left before the wickets all fell- how infuriating. He liked his c-d's and Emma liked Robbie Williams calendar so all round a winner.

I spent Boxing Day at Priestfield and let's just say it was less than exciting! The game was dire! But we drew 1-1. Our goal said more about Bristol City than it did us. Oh well a point is better than nothing. Roll on the next week - must get something from the next 3 games.

Now for some cold turkey and mash - followed by some TV I think!

Merry Christmas

Here's a Christmas wish to all my friends and family who I won't be seeing this Christmas - have a great one! Will toast you later today! And maybe again tomorrow!

Yes, now ready to leave London and venture south to my old stomping ground... home... eek. Wondering who from the clan will surface in the pub this afternoon... mmm. As long as I remember my season ticket and scarf the weekend will be fine :-) Enjoy!

Soul mates never die...

Been playing MP3 player on random across all the library - to see if it can gauge my mood.

Sure enough tonight three in a row...

Ticket to Ride - the Beatles
Sleeping with Ghosts - Placebo
Real World - Matchbox Twenty

Land safe.

Random

Wooh what a week of events. Some amusing, some heartening, some bright, some dark.

Do I start with today and work backwards - perhaps the best way...


Before I do - land safe Mr G and have a great doon under Christmas etc. Strange how now you are mid air heading towards the other side of the planet I begin to miss you.

In other news last night I spent a very entertaining evening being called lardy by the lads... a position they thought would offend me except I just played along with it and in the end it got so ridiculous I almost began to believe it!!

Eyes still not right. Well I think the problem hasn't helped my headaches... not that 4 pints of Guinness and some rogue shot helped. Team lunch today - pie n mash.

Monday night I cooked - lamb chops for my friend - wanted at least one other person to see my festive Christmas lights! Very soothing - so soothing friend fell asleep!! oh well - I guess that means it was a comfortable and easy evening.

Sunday sorted out myself and the flat - good facial mask and plenty of mud! Felt heaps better. Saturday was spent in a cold crisp Bromley doing the last of my Christmas shop with my Mum.

Friday - quiet one in at home. DVD's.

And there was another reason for a quiet Friday - which would be Thursday. Evening.
A few drinks with my friend John - who made a sensible decision after the third that it was time to go home. However a force was conspiring against us. On the way to the tube met my old BT boss who invited us in for a festive drink at their Xmas Party. So we did. Except I then had too many. Said too much. Texted too much and generally felt like death on Friday am. I saw too much too. Illusions confirmed. Why are men so transparent. And that was just what I saw on the the Thursday evening. Discovered that when I wear my specs the interest levels from the opposite sex fall right off - unless they know you first. Anyway fuelled by red wine I texted a male interest and he responded which was strange bearing in mind he had told me he didn't want to see me again... so the tone of the messages was even weirder. Part of me was in my drunken state possibly winding him up - seeing what new line he could use. However by Friday - he denied all knowledge of exchange - so a) he either thought i was someone else or b) by Friday he realised his faux pas and decided - better pull plug.
If it was a) then i suspect he was on a ruse all along using his hobby like a spider entices a fly. Which disappoints me. Means my instincts are VERY out of practice... Good experience in one way - great let down in an other.
SO note to oneself beware in CyberSpace.

Why are people like that? I know it has made me very wary two guys I am talking to online at the moment.(I know I know - I said don't go there anymore - let it find you but... I get bored/lonely!) I feel myself holding back on what I want to say. More guarded. Which could be the way to go as it means they are the open ones and I can just absorb and see when they trip over themselves.....

One guy at work who I consider a close mate hasn't spoken to me since last Tuesday - whatever I have said or done - I'm sorry. I find the silence and curt polite emails very odd - so cold and unlike our usual bubbly exchanges. Maybe its what I haven't said or done that is causing the problems. *Stop analysing things*.

Maybe I really should head off these shores. Move on again. Fly to Sydney and start afresh.

Shortest day yesterday - so the only way is up now....

Okay. Wittered enough.

Christmas cards received so far = 11
Christmas cards sent so far = 25

And for my next trick Bend it Like Beckham!!

xmas do..2005

oh dear!!!

C'est la vie

Been very under the weather - physically and mentally i fear. Funny how it coincided with SN saying he didn't want to see, or rather, he couldn't see me in the near future because he was too busy -- oh yes and happy being single... so what the previous 3 months were about I know not. How do you get that open with someone and then shut the door in their face. I would like to say i was upset - but the sad truth is I am so used to never 'winning' that I am hardly surprised. I am though really missing our text messages and emails. It was all over before it began and the parts that did happen were too wonderfully brilliant to even imagine that that would be the case. I feel cheated. I confessed to my friends 'parts' of the evenings we had seen each other - the interesting twist - and you know i feel kinda of liberated as I did at the time. just now very confused. Anyway he now has a working PC again and his Live Journal is a platform for him to rack up as many responses as possible. I guess in his Top 10 i come about 25. I don't suppose I will ever know the truth behind the guy. Maybe I should have stuck with my initial gut instinct. Then again i would have missed out on a truly entertaining chapter in my many volumes. plus i really did like him - i enjoyed taking the risk and going to meet him. i wonder how long it is before he contacts me again...

So two weeks of feeling full of cold, mouth ulcers, coughing like a 90 year old and generally feeling sorry for myself. Today I felt better than I have for a long while - and maybe as my strength returns I lose a certain quality that makes me seem vulnerable. I have seen more of G over the past few weeks than is right. My friend says he is worming his way back into my life - but the truth is i have been feeling so lonely - just having someone to give me a hug and check i am actually still breathing has been a comfort. bit like a trusted pair of slippers. to the point that last weekend at my lowest ebb i nearly decided to give in - go back with him and have the security of someone in my life. who knows even become a Mrs and have kids. i didn't utter these words but i fear it has stirred all sorts of feelings up on each side. we met last night for a pre Xmas; pre him returns to Oz drink and it started off ok but then it just turned - it was all the things i recalled from earlier in the year. the same wayward looks, not listening to what i had said, repeated stories. Having seen it all before i started to become suspicious. Ultimately its not my responsiility anymore so why i get so wound up about it I don't know. Maybe its because I am too loyal and I to make me feel less awkward I need to know he is ok. Until last night i truly thought he was. there is nothing worse than knowing someone is about to fly to other side of the world and the laast time you saw each other it was awkward. grr.

so whilst ill - i had a day off work. slept. day time TV a no no - listened to Radio. Slept.

since i last wrote I have bought a DVD player and my team have won again. I missed it though as i was too ill to leave the house. 3-0 thriller and I missed it. have forgone Bournemouth this Saturday in favour of shopping with Mum.

work is very quiet and this isn't helping my demeanour. an un busy mind creates mayhem... careless words/emails so i have been swaying between being popular with some people and possibly gobby and unpleasant by others. i also realised today how out of practice i am when it comes to actual client meetings... i get tongue tied and start to recoil. hell knows why - just as i say lack of practice at the moment. face it i have out grown my job. i need to move on and preferably out.. watch this space - my road to Sydney starts here......

in other news the office is on a tag team rota to visit New York at the moment.

Christmas cards received so far = 3
Christmas cards sent so far = 3 (yes got goodies in post in time to reach Australia!)
Christmas cards written thus far = 22

I have however been incredibly festive and purchased some sparkling lights - which have done wonders for my flat and also some festive fridge magnets. tomorrow is the Carol Service so I think I will make the effort, go sing and try to be reminded why everyone is looking so fluster/drunk/broke/tired....

Have been checking Yahoo! Personals and Love at Lycos again... mmm. Needle? Haystack? Perhaps I should heed advice - stop looking it will find you. Then again same job for 5 years... same part of town for 5 years... what changes? ! Where does the new find you ?

Some good news - pay day tomorrow!!!! oh dear!!!

anyway - to SN - glad to see you back in Cyber Space... to G - i'm sorry.

to everyone else - keep smiling and remember life is not a perfume commercial!!!

1 Nil!!

Hooray!
A win! A performance worthy of the train fare and cold feet! Good fight lads!

I even shouted out super Gillingham to the Donny fans on the escalator at Victoria Tube! Note also Donny Dog - very short - quite cute. Must tell Simon.

The perfect antidote to feeling as washed up as i did this morning!

Hooray!


This is not Donny Dog - way too large. This is an amendment by way of reminder....

yawn

before i go to bed some themes i must return to in the near future; train line teynham to london what it used to mean - what it means now - ditto family christmas's. naked ramblers. silence. tennis. royal albert hall and/or with without mobile phones (again). how the mime artist found the voice again. communications from great mates - STS; MWF; my bro; my father. curry v thai. friendships vs the heavy stuff.

other than that good to have a day off. good to feel so happy in my skin without any shackles...a few minor expectations but generally an upbeat mood....

night for now.

Mobile Phones ---- Trains

this is a plea - people leave your conversations for another place!! no wonder they invented the personal stereo - mind you even that didn't drown out all the conversations on the train... blah blah blah.. stop it please!!

that said whether it be the fact i was in work on time - or the fact i have a four day week - i am not sure, but as Monday's go this has been a pleasant one. heard from the elusive one which i guess cheered me. that justifies mobile phones - and texts don't interfere with anyone else. didn't say very much but hello is certainly better than cheerio - good bye - be gone with you!

and now its healthy carrot and ginger soup - to maintain my svelte like shape ha ha!!

Hung Up....

cheers Madonna - how could one song sum up so much right now.. how long does one hang on before one hangs up? how many excuses does one create for another...? i need to take some semblance of control back.. beware. All I want is to Get Together....

the main news of the day is though the fact that my team were stuffed 5-0 by Colchester. doomed? 5-0 is truly appalling... Come on Gills - were's the fighting spirit i fell in love with?

walked to Tooting. inbetween the showers - the sky with its contrasting blue sky and evil black clouds... in my Gills hat - how embarrassing???

anyway Confessions on a Dance Floor is rather good... thanks Madonna for letting me dance wildly round the lounge again and glad you took inspiration from my once red hair!! :-) Aaah confessions... one day maybe...

MOTD now - so more considered words tomorrow...

Tuesday..

having overslept .. and starting my day two steps behind when i should have done - it actually turned into something of a good day - cheery. achieved lots and made a key note to myself - do not stay and watch a slice of a film... it not only makes you late for work it also plays on your mind all day. The film was Lawn Dogs. It drew me in because well it was so typically Amercian and yet not so at all. I gave up at 12.30... and all day i wondered what happened to the girl, the 'trailer trash' gardener and the relationships of all the others. The gardener - shot by a cop. Bullets where prevalent and unfaithful adults and the little girl saw it all - but she had such a vivid imagination and just needed a friend to listen. Sounds familiar!

On the train home apart from clapping eyes on a very attractive tall man - who sadly stayed on the train whilst i piled off - i wondered about solititude and greatness. Are the two so interwoven that only by being un-distracted can one be great? If i set my mind to disciplined routines and made myself do the one thing i profress to want more than anything i know i would have to close off my impromptu socialising. Two snatched hours at the end of each day could equate to a lot of pages written. . . but without social interaction what material would i have to work with? past experiences? too personal - for me perhaps not - i have few regrets. But for 'ficitional characters' maybe too close to the bone.

aah Gills are 2-2 with Wycombe - extra time.. heartening to see Byfield, Jarvis and Spiller all playing though - there is hope.

so solitude whilst highly satisfactory has some real come downs. but greatness is a self induced prophecy - and can one decide that greatness is due because of any unease one finds with finding a soul mate? uniqueness? or dullness!? its the time of year - most of the day is spent in darkness, and wherever you turn couples are in hats and scarfs keeping warm next to each to other - i know that what you see and what is really going on is always different - but everywhere you turn Christmas is looming and my thoughts on that are best saved for closer the time. then i can really rant about when solitude becomes bare loneliness.

and when i say greatness i do mean worldwide fame - just a sense that between two covers of a hard back was a piece of work worthy of discussion and consideration now and in the future. Beyond the years beyond even the technical revolution.

I wonder if Pepys would have used a blog in his day?

at least my brother seems happier - settled backinto his routine down under. good to have him back in text communication...

i wonder how other people are at the moment - i feel i need to talk but i also worry that when i get that urge i am being over zealous. anyway i resolved to have a earlier night so for now no more thoughts to share.

Prologue

i have been advised by several close and interesting people that maybe its time to blog. my response - what would i say? who would read? and more to the point - is this really me...

well we shall see....

i like to write and i see a story in every passing day - a small thing can be a huge mental challenge and the day to day stuff - well a new focus point can't hurt can it?

be nice to know on those evenings when i am convinced no-one knows i am here - well maybe someone will....

so..

time zone sorted , i wonder if everyone has the amazing urge to write everything that is on their mind once they have finally taken the plunge and started.. ?

if i were too, i really do not know where i would begin. suffice to say i drank too much on Friday and have scant memories but the ones i have do not maketh me overly proud. losing a day of my life - what a waste. all the words i said or didn't say...

i have forgotten all the rules of being single.. sort of seeing someone and sort of not.. when to phone and when not. when to be open and when to keep ones counsel. when to be totally honest - stop beating round the bush and be completely open. when to keep a secret and when to sing it all from the roof tops. so why does what i do affect anyone else? i guess because that's the nature of day to day life. in all honesty i could just say and do what i want - but then there are always consequences. i am fed up with having to have a strategy and playing by rules. i played by rules for four years.. loyal, faithful, honest and true. walked all over. so now i want to be a bit freer - find a new level to operate on.

i have met some wonderful people in the last 7 months, amongst whom was myself - discovered the parts of life which make me feel content and those that need to be expanded. stretched... ambition over duty. the only duty i have now is too myself... i think...

i do so feel better for my nightly stomp home.. the head whirrs - and here is where i shall share - well the parts which i don't mind anyone seeing/reading!!

until tomorrow assume nothing....

TIME ZONE!?!?!

i am in the UK and am determined that my posts reflect the exact moment a thought was published...
also need to sort out the B key on my keyboard....