Word(s) of the day...

'dorcus mallorcus' - indicating a dork of the major variety.

hey that's me!

Thanks Planetface - cheered me up!

Learning Curves

Do you know - today I actually feel quite bright about things. Very tired mind you. But brighter.

The tempatation to torture myself with re-reading emails and texts and re-thinking moments and associating items with him is sort of lurking in the back ground - but I have a sense that in actual fact while I may have lost something that had the potential to be very good - I have also gained a really strong sense of facing up to many other things and finally letting go. The unnecessary trauma and self induced drama I have added, to what should have simply been two people meeting each other and getting to know each other at a pace that was comfortable, has not helped. The idea of normal seemed to be a notion I could not handle.

I wanted it to go wrong - cos that's what I am used too. And when it did, it hurt. But it put me back in control. Which is where I always feel safe. Let me revel in my anguish.

Assume the role once more of victim.

So different outputs require different inputs.

My friends have contributed greatly with the opinions and views. And just by listening without inflicting judgements.

So perhaps I need time to just be myself and be on my own? Give myself time to heal and come to terms with the past so that next time someone sparks an interest I can start fresh and not be tied up with the old emotions. The distraction for the last weeks took my mind off the more immediate pain and probably let me deal with much more soberly than otherwise I might have done. I suspect I would have been quite vindictive had I not been so delighted with the attention I was receiving from an other source. I did though think I was ready to move on. I just didn't really know where that was!

'no one can give you self esteem and certainly not a man. think of the positives - you are bright, beautiful and funny, fit and healthy, you are in a well-paid, interesting job, have your own space, outside interests, fantastic friends(!)....the list is endless. so, go easy on yourself, and give yourself time'.

I hope he doesn't think ill of me. I don't of him. Very little anger. Just regret. I do miss the messages and banter though!!

So

last night I learnt yet more about myself and my current fate.

I got an email suggesting that 'perhaps' we had run our course and that when face to face we had little to say to each other. I try to rationalise it by admitting my nerves. The fear of the unknown and trying not to do something that would ruin it. Of course by being this way - quiet and reserved, tongue tied - scared in fact - I have managed to do exactly what I was trying to avoid. There were no angry words. It was all very adult and honest. A hint of not quite sure but nevertheless the words on the page - for me finally to hear what I had thought since last Monday - 10 days ago in fact. I then spent a good 3-4 hours replying. Well he said I could. No matter how much I tried to justify it/defend it, his decision has probably been made. And my reply will probably convince him I am a mess and no amount of proving out the positives of our connection will remove his doubts about the reality of our face to face contact. Why continue with the paradox that is me when he can find someone new and carefree on Match.com. Although I can't help wondering if a few more phone calls might have helped greatly. Its easy to be considered about typed words. Its easy to see answers in hindsight.

I finally went to bed at 2am and had a fitful sleep. When I woke it really hit me. It had ended. The amazing high of the attention and finding someone who shared similar views. Someone who held no complications. Who did not have to be covert. Someone with whom there was potential to share things and grow. Gone. Gosh I'll probably never ride pillion now. And MotoGP's will once more be solitary affairs. And London Bridge station a reminder of how to pillage your own future.

This morning I consider myself an emotional mess. I have spent the last 3 years keeping quiet over a relationship that was destined never to be - due to his circumstances and because we work together. He has found someone new - and seeing them together cuts. I was there to help him work himself out and now he has left me with nothing. It took him nearly 2 months to tell me. Dangling me like some worthless piece of string. I buried the whole lot of that and very few people are even aware it was happening or indeed how much it has affected me day to day.

Meeting someone new who was removed from all other aspects of my life offered an opportunity. A way to rebuild my shattered esteem. Perhaps not fair on him as he had no idea where my head was at when we met. Not sure I was either. I just wasn't used to the space that he gave me. There were no 'rules', no boundaries. No reason to be secretive. It could be anything. And I have just never had the experience of getting to know someone and it turning in to something more. I was slow and cautious to start with and then I went into totally over the top mode. And pushed when I should have just relaxed and let things happen. Overwhelmed by this new scenario. Clinging on for dear life! In the past when it may have been a natural progression, I have removed myself from the scene - going to the US curtailed the chance to live that experience at least once. Other relationships have just been because of the random, drunken way we first got together.

So where does this leave me. Bruised. Inward. Wondering how I pull myself out of my self made sump. Not knowing which bit to deal with first. I am hardly eating and my sleep patterns are all over the shop. I want to cry. I fear that a silly thing will cause me to snap. Let everything flood out finally.

Coming to work is a trial but it gets me out of the house. But everyday is a reminder of the cheapness of words.

A month ago I was on cloud 9 - now perhaps I need to dial 999.

This week...

Capricorn

Accept that there are go-slows, volte-faces and plain idiocies over which you can exert minimal control. Mercury is in backward spin and planets elsewhere likewise highlight conditions that are inconclusive and (apparently) insoluble. Wednesday’s full Moon further ratchets up the atmosphere, not least in your emotional life, where you are also getting no straightforward answers.

All that said, you are actually in a strong position, able to review your long term strategy, recruit valuable people to your cause, and give the cooking pot a stir. Big fixes come in a couple of weeks; the earthy delights of spring come first.

----
Your Week Ahead starting Sat, April 24: There are big implications and repercussions to the choices you are now making. Just as it is important to be strong and clear, it is essential to be open-minded. This week's opposition of Saturn and Uranus brings a big drama to a head. For some while, you have been trying to make sense of a situation that has baffled you. You still don't fully understand it - but, for all that current events are intensifying your confusion, they are bringing you the insight you need to see how a complex situation fits together. As long as you're willing to learn, you'll find out what you need to know. Then you'll be sure of making the right choice. Week Ahead Part Two - Love Focus: Something big has been bugging you for a while. You've been working hard to understand this matter. The more you try to make sense of a complicated issue, the more perplexing it becomes. That's because you are actually dealing with something simple. You are looking at it from too many different angles. You are questioning too many factors. This week will bring clarity, comfort and comprehension. A penny will drop and a brighter picture will emerge. While you wait for this to happen, keep an open mind - and try to be patient with someone else's strange behaviour. What looks like a problem... need not be one.

My trousers

are too big...

Come on the Gills

Why I went to WW...

This picture was taken on 17th December 2004 at my brothers graduation in Canberra. I dread to think why I thought that combination of clothing was flattering. 12stone plus... I had had a fairly traumatic year and the Christmas of dreams down under was not exactly as w had planned.. anyway out of all that I got a resolve... and this year I went for the final push.. 25lbs lighter I look and feel totally different...

Me - last May...

Had forgotten

how therapeutic just sitting and writing was... it has been a long while since I just sat and wrote about things. The start of the year was so fraught. And the last couple of days I have slipped back into some sort of emotional mire. When in reality I need not be that way.

Today with a slightly sore head I got to work determined to relax. It did sort of work. I threw myself into work and at 10am went and got my eyebrows waxed! Super!

Lunchtime was not as planned - the team were taken for a drink by the boss. It was okay. I spotted a chap on a nifty motorbike whilst stood outside the pub and smiled.

The afternoon was spent testing NCM in prep for next week. Oh yes 5 working days until we become a merged law firm. It was all good. 5.30 and time for a post work drink. I left at 7 to get home - sort out washing and prep for my day tomorrow. Looking forward to getting out of London for the day - catching up with old friends and hopefully seeing my boys play out of their skins again for the 3 points we so desperately need.

And now - sorting out MP3 player - need to download the Archers having missed it last weekend for all the right reasons. The first thing he did when he saw me was kiss me. It was very nice.

And now my washing is on and I have got myself more centred I can catchup with Enders and see if Minty is in the show - saw him Sunday too in the pub at Highgate. After the incident with the elderly chap taking a turn and being wound up mercilessly by his friends for doing anything to miss his round. The ambulance arrived about 20 minutes later...

Had a good chat with Camilla last night and Lisa was emailing today. So London is not really lonely - it can just get you down on days when work seemed futile and there are 100 other places you would rather be.

Anyways some amusing pictures to share and an early night beckons!! ttfn.

The sunset

On Wednesday

I learnt

something today.. I am who I am.. with a past the way it is... with a future yet to be determined..I know I have always been upfront about the things I care about.. listen and you will hear it...

I have a great set of friends who guide me when I am down and who let me be excited when I am... (and lets face it I don't need much) and I want to thank then once more for putting up with me...

SO far this year I have to deal with some crushing experiences.. people I trusted letting me down so badly and people who saw me as one thing realising that I was not.. It has not been easy. But I have finally realised who I could be... I am a stone lighter.. I have a bounce that I thought I had lost... I can and I will make this blessed life work for me. It is too short by far and I am not known for quitting. Despite all my best efforts!

I can only be me.. If you are in my life you get 100% and I will always go the extra mile or so for you. I am loyal in the extreme and would do anything for those I care about...

But the truth is I too have needs... I wanna be looked after and loved. I want to share the sun and the delights of life with someone who sees things as I do...

So this week I re-entered roller coaster land.. my date on Sunday was great. The long lingering and very sensual kiss goodbye making me think I had found happiness. It's all relative and what maybe in my head can be very different from what is in anothers head. I can only give what I have at any given time. Gotta speculate to accumulate...

And so to the weekend! Come on the Gills!
Looking very much forward to catching up with Jonny G and reminding myself of the year I discovered all I could be.. amusing, caring and trusted...

As for other news. My Dad has to go to hospital for tests. Diabetes is the likely cause.. but I know it will hit him hard.

Sorry to those of you who have coming seeking my blog and found it to be closed... I am back and I am me.. warts and all!

I have weird notions... I should probably be more selfish - but its not the way I am cut..

And so my blogger friends... join me in yet more exciting stories and tribulations!

Please bt Leeds my dear Gills

The Den

Come on Gills!

An autograph!

Tops!

Then Jerico!

So on the 9th April 2010 I finally got to see live the band I had adored as a teenager! He was very sweet with the autograph and gave me a kiss... ah. Who would have thought it.. 20 years on! Let Her Fall... Muscledeep... Sugarbox and Big Area plus a big does of Jean Genie... so glad I wore my Bowie t-shirt. Mark Shaw I salute you once again!! Oh and there are a few rogues in amongst this lot....

SET LIST

Let Her Fall

That's Alright Mama

Muscledeep

Handbags and Gladrags

Sugarbox

Jean Genie

Big Area

Come Up and See Me...

made me smile!

Spring watch!

April fools....

Lucky Days: 4, 5, 14, 15, 23
Yucky Days: 11, 12, 19, 20, 25
Fashion Icon: Zooey Deschanel
Colour: Straw
The first half of the month is best dedicated to domestic duties. Don’t be afraid to spend a lot of quality time at home for the first two weeks of April, because by mid-month, you’ll barely make it back to your flat for more than sleeping purposes. If you’ve been neglecting your family or mates, devote this time to a proper catch-up by showing them how much you care. Work can wait; it’s about getting back to your true priorities now. The New Moon on 14 April in your domestic sector is a great time to put your energy into making sure your living quarters feel like a sanctuary. Any home repair or décor projects started now should proceed smoothly over the next six months. The Mercury retrograde commencing on 17 April favours renovation projects of any kind. But as you get closer to 28 April, the Full Moon in your social sector will take you through a whirlwind of events with friends and colleagues. This will leave you little time for anything else—least of all yourself.
---
Your Monthly Forecast: The best sales people make suggestions, not assertions. They encourage their customers to proffer opinions. They engage in conversation. They let their prospects persuade themselves. In April, the more you push your point, the more you may push away the person whose co-operation you require. Your usual skills of communication, though, are being compromised by tense alignments to Saturn, involving the Sun and Uranus. These are making everything seem urgent or intense. Stand back a bit and drop hints. Don't lead; guide. Don't argue; just ask clever questions. You may not be selling something - but you are seeking an agreement. If you're subtle, you'll yet get it.
---
Your Week Ahead starting Sat, April 3 - Our problems are not always our enemies. Sometimes, they do us favours. They lead us down important roads that we might not otherwise travel down. They cause us to come up with ideas that would never normally cross our minds. They focus our attention, sharpen our minds and stimulate our desire to take action. Lately, you've been aware of the need to resolve a difficult issue. The discomfort this has been causing has led you to make a wise choice. This week, you will start to reap the benefit of a recent struggle. Have confidence in yourself... and in someone you have lately felt inclined to doubt.
---
It’s holiday weekend, but how much your attention can you tear away from the abiding obsession that‘s your work? You may have to give the career monster its head for a few days more, while Saturn, the Goat’s planet, rewinds over the peak of your ‘scope. Good moment to show public resolve.
Trouble at home? If you want to crack the whip about a flatmate or other domestic problem, go right ahead. Romance is well favoured for the rest of April, but if you are making trysts with lovers, rather than just seeing what happens, be wary about your pillow talk, as it will be back to haunt you!