Learning Curves

Do you know - today I actually feel quite bright about things. Very tired mind you. But brighter.

The tempatation to torture myself with re-reading emails and texts and re-thinking moments and associating items with him is sort of lurking in the back ground - but I have a sense that in actual fact while I may have lost something that had the potential to be very good - I have also gained a really strong sense of facing up to many other things and finally letting go. The unnecessary trauma and self induced drama I have added, to what should have simply been two people meeting each other and getting to know each other at a pace that was comfortable, has not helped. The idea of normal seemed to be a notion I could not handle.

I wanted it to go wrong - cos that's what I am used too. And when it did, it hurt. But it put me back in control. Which is where I always feel safe. Let me revel in my anguish.

Assume the role once more of victim.

So different outputs require different inputs.

My friends have contributed greatly with the opinions and views. And just by listening without inflicting judgements.

So perhaps I need time to just be myself and be on my own? Give myself time to heal and come to terms with the past so that next time someone sparks an interest I can start fresh and not be tied up with the old emotions. The distraction for the last weeks took my mind off the more immediate pain and probably let me deal with much more soberly than otherwise I might have done. I suspect I would have been quite vindictive had I not been so delighted with the attention I was receiving from an other source. I did though think I was ready to move on. I just didn't really know where that was!

'no one can give you self esteem and certainly not a man. think of the positives - you are bright, beautiful and funny, fit and healthy, you are in a well-paid, interesting job, have your own space, outside interests, fantastic friends(!)....the list is endless. so, go easy on yourself, and give yourself time'.

I hope he doesn't think ill of me. I don't of him. Very little anger. Just regret. I do miss the messages and banter though!!