So

last night I learnt yet more about myself and my current fate.

I got an email suggesting that 'perhaps' we had run our course and that when face to face we had little to say to each other. I try to rationalise it by admitting my nerves. The fear of the unknown and trying not to do something that would ruin it. Of course by being this way - quiet and reserved, tongue tied - scared in fact - I have managed to do exactly what I was trying to avoid. There were no angry words. It was all very adult and honest. A hint of not quite sure but nevertheless the words on the page - for me finally to hear what I had thought since last Monday - 10 days ago in fact. I then spent a good 3-4 hours replying. Well he said I could. No matter how much I tried to justify it/defend it, his decision has probably been made. And my reply will probably convince him I am a mess and no amount of proving out the positives of our connection will remove his doubts about the reality of our face to face contact. Why continue with the paradox that is me when he can find someone new and carefree on Match.com. Although I can't help wondering if a few more phone calls might have helped greatly. Its easy to be considered about typed words. Its easy to see answers in hindsight.

I finally went to bed at 2am and had a fitful sleep. When I woke it really hit me. It had ended. The amazing high of the attention and finding someone who shared similar views. Someone who held no complications. Who did not have to be covert. Someone with whom there was potential to share things and grow. Gone. Gosh I'll probably never ride pillion now. And MotoGP's will once more be solitary affairs. And London Bridge station a reminder of how to pillage your own future.

This morning I consider myself an emotional mess. I have spent the last 3 years keeping quiet over a relationship that was destined never to be - due to his circumstances and because we work together. He has found someone new - and seeing them together cuts. I was there to help him work himself out and now he has left me with nothing. It took him nearly 2 months to tell me. Dangling me like some worthless piece of string. I buried the whole lot of that and very few people are even aware it was happening or indeed how much it has affected me day to day.

Meeting someone new who was removed from all other aspects of my life offered an opportunity. A way to rebuild my shattered esteem. Perhaps not fair on him as he had no idea where my head was at when we met. Not sure I was either. I just wasn't used to the space that he gave me. There were no 'rules', no boundaries. No reason to be secretive. It could be anything. And I have just never had the experience of getting to know someone and it turning in to something more. I was slow and cautious to start with and then I went into totally over the top mode. And pushed when I should have just relaxed and let things happen. Overwhelmed by this new scenario. Clinging on for dear life! In the past when it may have been a natural progression, I have removed myself from the scene - going to the US curtailed the chance to live that experience at least once. Other relationships have just been because of the random, drunken way we first got together.

So where does this leave me. Bruised. Inward. Wondering how I pull myself out of my self made sump. Not knowing which bit to deal with first. I am hardly eating and my sleep patterns are all over the shop. I want to cry. I fear that a silly thing will cause me to snap. Let everything flood out finally.

Coming to work is a trial but it gets me out of the house. But everyday is a reminder of the cheapness of words.

A month ago I was on cloud 9 - now perhaps I need to dial 999.