Gillingham 1 v Accrington Stanley 0

Today it was summer for the whole day... which meant scarf, body warmer and hat were redundant. I transgressed all traditions and wore A SKIRT to football... oh yes AND sandals - not trainers - not jeans but skirt, vest and sun tan cream. Ah summer I had forgotten how to dress for such heat...

I did not rush today - got up early for walk and decided to get the slightly later train. Dad was already outside with Colin. That made me chuckle - new best friends - who would have thought that a few seasons ago...

Accrington Stanley (Who the hell are they?) were playing in red and had bought less than 100 fans. Scally in a bid to cut policing costs had decided to turf all the Gills fans out of the Gillingham Town End and squeeze them liberally in other parts of the ground (at an increased cost to them I hasten to add), so the Rainham End was heaving - and for a change had an atmosphere... thankfully the people sat behind us today were ok as were the lads to my left. The painful people were much further down the row behind us. One twin was there, Colin and Arfur and the Pie family were making the most of the season's other initiative (for ST holders at least - each match ticket in the book has two parts - one to get into the ground and one part for a freebie at the beverage and refreshment booth) today you got a free drink if you bought a Pie (last home game it was a free drink with a hot dog - health is high up there as you may have noticed).

But I digress.
We won away from home last weekend - a last minute fumble off the back of Mr Richards foot - and the echoes of discontent from the last home game were in my mind... so I was feeling non-plussed. At least the beautiful weather and inoffensive people sat around me meant I could relax and enjoy the 'game' however it panned out..

I still find myself struggling with players and shirt numbers - cos even those from last season I got right have changed - grr. Dad & I were referring to the prog... So here for this weekend at least are the players shirt numbers:

1 Simon Royce (GK)
2 Barry Fuller
3 John Nutter
4 Stuart Lewis
5 Simon King
6 Garry Richards
7 Andrew Crofts (C)
8 Mark Bentley (TC)
9 Gary Mulligan
10 Simeon Jackson
11 Nicky Southall
12 Mark McCammon
13 Chris Kiely (GK)
14 Adam Miller
15 Rory Hill
16 Stuart Thurgood
17 Andy Pugh
18 Tayler Thomas
19 Sean Clohessy
20 Charlie Howard
21 Dennis Oli
22 Tom Wynter
23 Alan Julian (GK)
24 Danny Walder
25 Luis Cumbers
26 Curtis Weston
27 Leigh Mills
28 Charlie Daniels
29 Tyrone Berry
30 Mark McCammon

Player of the game today - Curtis Weston, came on loan from Leeds but signed permo a few days ago, nipped around the pitch and in tandem with Oli looked very promising. Charlie Daniels is on loan for a month from Spurs. Today we played pretty well - okay certainly better than last home game... Not overly difficult but experience teaches me not to expect too much.

Quote of the match - McCammon 'He's so big, how come he has the strength of a doily?'. It is fair to say Mr McMammon (ex Donny) is not a sapling in size however for one so meaty he is a bit of a weed in a one on one situation. Not what we need up front. Twiglet came on as a sub and things started to happen. We were pinging the goal and as it was at our end the singing and atmosphere felt more like it.. Eventually Jackson* scored. Hooray. He should have had a couple and Twiglet should have had a hat trick - but each shot went wide or over the cross bar. The Stanley goalkeeper saved one. So whilst it was good to get a win - it would have been better to start the habit of multiple goal scores to prevent last minute equalisers and lost points. Do I expect too much?

Next week Grimsby @ home. See ya all in the Rainham End.

* Apologies Oli scored - how could I forget singing Ole Ole?! Jackson will score next time!

These legs

Rowed 1000m in under 5mins

Sunflowers

Not quite Van Gogh ...

Ode to the Ear plugs

The bright orange ear plugs are BACK in...

I got a certain satisfaction knowing that weirdy Mr Upstairs was awoken by my loud alarm...at 6am this morning... funny how for the week his weirdy Mrs and son were away he was never at home - where did he stay...?

Now it's all three weirdy clomp foots back in the land of squeaky floor boards and butter fingers...drop that pan you hurt my head... play basket ball on that floor its my ceiling you're caving in.. set the washing machine to loosen the plaster and drip feed the mat... a land where conversations must be loud and telephone calls taken at 11pm over my bedroom... every snore, fart and sneeze all heard by the single one downstairs...stairs must be stomped up at all times and front doors slammed at every opportunity - and if you get a chance drop your recycled items in the boxes outside my bedroom window any time after 10pm... after all who you going to disturb....?!

ME!

Thank the Lord Superdrug for good ear plugs ... and for alarm radios with good loud alarms!!!

Apologies to any neighbours also affected by this - but you must too have noticed the correlation...

Mutual Friends

Tops new drama... I suspect I laughed at the bits I wouldn't if I were a parent... how did I miss out on all these situations.. oh yeah. There's is something distinctly swoon some about Alexander Armstrong too... swoon...

Think less...haha

So I have spent the evening trying to secure Rugby League Final tickets... erm even though I have a season ticket which entitles me to Gills vs Accrington Stanley on Saturday! Get in!! I am just such a domestic all round diva...

Weird day...weird night...

Spent it (day) in splendid isolation. Managed to relax and work. I had another work related dream last night - I had somehow ended up naked and my clothes were in the office. I had to 'walk' through the canteen to get to the clothes.. the lifts. The lower floors. No security pass and no way to collect clothes. Laid bare..

Feelings of vulnerability and yet an inner strength to get me through the hardest part. Very odd. Donned a bright red shirt with my black suit today and actually felt okay. As for tomorrow - the real me wants to present for England and blitz the floor with them despite not having done ALL the prep work I would have liked to do... the realistic me - who knows. Settle for mediocre maybe?

Are you British?

What does it mean? What does it mean to you?

Beer? Pubs? Industrialists? Football? Literature? Music? Spitfires? 1966? Fashion? Humour? Loss of identity? Litter? Swearing? Vandals? Cricket? Upper Classes? Cherries? The Mini? Diversity? Labour? Thatcher? Blackpool? Roast dinners? NHS? Left hand drive? Green belt? Multi-cultural? Curry? National Parks? Red Arrows? Tea n scones? Cider? Grammar Schools? M25? Heathrow? London? Shakespeare? The Queen? Keats? Bobby Moore? Stanley Matthews? Bangers n Mash? Brunel? Cutty Sark? Greenwich? St Pauls? The Peak District? Snowdon? An Island? Passing a Britishness test? Poetry? Queues? National Railways? Delays? THE WEATHER?

Freedom?

I was born in the UK - I have lived here all my 35 years. I am British; English; part of the United Kingdom.. as to what it means.. I think that could change every week. Interesting prog on Panaroma this evening especially as the nation were ALL behind Team GB...!! Made a change to be watching winners! Yes we beat the Aussies! Massive! As for the summer - oh that's British alright - wet n grey!

Snow Patrol

Bit behind the rest but I have taken a bit of a shine to their albums!
No Bowie but fairly easy to listen too...

Desertion?

Ah Bank Holiday's don't you just love em? Well in truth not sure I do. An extra day to sleep a bit late and not have to get the tube is very good - but short weeks always end up feeling long. I know for a fact I am already dreading my week ahead. Few people in the office and 2 days on a course for which I have failed to fully prepare for.

Weekend generally?

Well I seem to recall leaving the office Friday in a total huff. My key relationships are fast nose diving. In general if I can keep myself occupied on stuff I own/control I feel OK. The rest of the time I feel pulled in various directions, unable to talk to anyone about it and in the main quite unhappy. So the cherry on the cake came at 5.30pm. I am not very good at small talk or pretences. I get the feeling I not overly well liked in certain circles (prob cos I take my job too seriously - against culture) and so I did not attend the birthday drinks I had been invited too, cos in some circles I am liked if not totally understood (sort of the way I like it). I stalked out of the office and wandered down the road, near to tears in my anger and frustration, and made a call.

Thankfully it was a good call.

I walked my usual route to Waterloo and cursed to myself most of the way. Tourists love a raving mad woman walking along the street in puffer waistcoat chatting forcefully to herself.

Train. Wimbledon. Home. Change. Then I ended up in the local for an 'Oompah the night away'. The reason I thought to have a panic attack proved unfounded. Seems my paranoia is unrequired in my local circles. The Oompah band seemed to be there to ensure everyone drank lots. Since exercise has become my new passion beer interests me less and less. Food on the other hand... that's another story.

I had three pints of Fish King and sauntered home.

Saturday. My god toothache, neck ache the works - could barely move. So with wall to wall Olympics I stayed indoors all day. Getting up only to hang washing out and eat lots of 'rubbish'. Oh yeah and go to Boots for hardcore head ache tablets and a new Epilator. As I was saying since I upped the amount of exercise I do I can't seem to stop eating - though I am trying to keep it WW based... not so easy mind you.

Miracle of miracles - Gills won away at Darlington 1-2 in the closing minutes! Amazing!

Saturday evening - TV - erm naff as you like so I spent the evening watching BBC Three Doctor Who's, Series 1, Christopher Eccleston. Yes! Actually better watching them now and seeing the threads in place - still think Chris E has the edge over David T.

So Sunday am. I woke up still feeling like my head had been badly ripped from my shoulders. However in a bid to ease the pain I managed to do my morning walk whilst listening to the Archers. Stu and I had supposed to been Skyping - but he had had a cold and felt as lively as I did. So we postponed. The weather at 10am was none to pleasant. Those light showers and not much bright light. Undeterred I whizzed round - then nipped in Sainso's at 11.15 for fodder - proper stuff - chicken & flagelot bean casserole (lovely) corn on the cobs and some berries for a crumble - YUM!

Home. Epilator testing. Olympics closing ceremony and the European Grand Prix. Finger control was everything this afternoon! Radio 5 on either way! Don;t ask me why but when the London bus came out and the dancers with brollies did their stuff I felt quite overwhelmed. However much I think my piece of life is a bit naff I do have an immense sense of pride at living in London. I am even excited by 2012... bring it on - let's have a party! But then I am sports junkie. Yesterday boxing was actually getting me stressed! Well done James Mcgale on winning Gold. So the closure of Beijing and the hand over to London - Boris Johnson - how? why? Hey ho.

I then spent some time dying my hair - Dark Golden Brown. Total change of tone. Cleaned the bathroom top to toe. Somehow listening to the football wasn't as good as the previous 2 weeks treasures I have heard.

Then a tops tea - ate far too much blackberry, blackcurrant and apple crumble.. but it was all wholesome stuff! iPlayer the Tudors. Then pretty much ready for bed discovered the name of a film from which I had quoted weeks ago 'The Wedding Date'.

Bed. Knocker on BBC7 - tres funny. Oh yeah and the pesky neighbours returned from their travels. BOOOOO.

Monday. Ah Monday the extra day. I finally awoke feeling more myself. However it was much later than I should have done and after a very vivid dream about myself at work. The radio was wall to wall 2012.

At 11ish I managed to get out for my walk - again the weather was not exactly inspiring. Today's shop was about floor cleaner. Dazzling huh! Though I did stray into Debenhams and tried on a Betty Jackson suit - which was nice but the trousers were a tad too short in my humble opinion. It was not until I looked in the mirror that I realised what a state I looked in - oops - my walking attire is quite shabby and I tend to wash afterwards! Oh well. Unfazed by the good people of Wimbledon staring at me I trekked back home. Cleaned my floors (helped on by spilling a vase of flowers everywhere) and then had my lunch/tea while watching Team GB return home..

My biggest problem these few days has been the amount of stuff I wanted to do - books I wanted to read. Films I wanted to watch. Newspaper articles I wanted to read. I failed miserably and not because I was busy being social - far from it - I spoke to one person all weekend. I failed because I am wound up like a spring and my headaches etc are the symptoms of this - telling me to stop, sleep and recharge. Heyho. I tried but my body needed a break. I did start to read 'Stop Thinking, Start Living' as a step forward to confirm I am not going bonkers... need to finish it once I have completed the saga of Lady Chat'ley and Mellors.

I also need to work out what my holiday plans really mean - had an interesting invite... and I still need to sort my course out and yes I am missing the fact I could not go swimming this evening. Grr.

I need a long break. This time last year my brother was over - we had walked to Clapham for beers in the sun. Not so this Bank Holiday Monday. Like so many things from this time last year much has moved on and the aspirations and hopes of then have changed. I feel deadened. Like a tree still standing but not blooming.

I can say tho that my non-smoking continues - my exercise is giving me the buzz I need again to make a major change. Get those buds out again. I miss my mates - all of them, family and friends...they are like the rain to keep the tree well fed and blooming. SO I am seeking additional nourishment from other sources - books, courses and exercise. I will get there. No more standing in the shadows...

Oh yeah I also failed to do my ironing... oh well could be an interesting week at work in the wardrobe department!!

Testing Tempo

Normally you possess a very sensible and steady attitude and demeanor, but recently you have become very hyperactive and agitated due to Mars in Libra square your own personal Zodiac Sign of the Goat. Now you need to return to your usual down-to-earth tempo and rhythm. If you don't, you may burn out quickly. On Tuesday, the Moon in domestic Cancer sextiles your ruler, Saturn, and you get back to the basics in your life. You know you are happiest when you are able to take time to have a meal with friends and family, so consider cooking up some of your favorite recipes, and have a get-together at your place. On Friday, an issue with an associate kicks up, and you find that you don't enjoy spending any time in this person's company as Venus squares Pluto retrograde in your sector of unconscious thoughts and feelings. Part of the reason you are having trouble with your associate is because he or she has similar characteristics to you! Keep in mind that when you see your associate, you see yourself in many ways. That may be unsettling, but it's a great way to learn how to show tolerance to others.

Brilliant!

British cyclists do it best!

Farewell

RIP - Gucci sadly passed away last weekend - my faithful friend way back when...

Still Third!!!

Country Gold Silver Bronze Total
1 China 43 14 19 76
2 USA 26 26 27 79
3 Great Britain 16 9 8 33

I am very impressed with Team GB's continued success!! Well done Mr Hoy and Miss Ohuruogu on your wins
I managed 33 lengths last night in 30 mins (achey chest today mind you) so on current form 2012 is a possibility! The question I ask myself now is - do I go to the gym this evening? I have to consider what the impact of the tube strike will be for the next few days... lots of walking! Gym and walking!! Mm. Mind you my aches have worsened as the day has rolled on... so a walk this evening looks favoured...ta ta

Such Insight

The headline on the GFC rival site reads...

Stimson: "If you don't score goals you don't win matches"

Priceless.

Ambitious!

After a period of time, KAREN, when not much at all seems to have been happening in terms of your career, things are about to change. Mars moves into Libra on Tuesday, stirring everything up and encouraging you to get a move on. You can do it; you just need to get your ideas and your act together. You may even feel a competitive urge, especially if you notice that someone is going for the golden prize that you have been after for so long. This could be the time that you take the bull by the horns. However, you are also keen to forge ahead in other areas. There are a number of planets in the sign of Virgo that coincide with your need to explore new horizons. You may already be busy with a course or class that is helping you to learn more about a new subject. It is likely that you will be thinking of a form of long-term tuition as you may want to get some serious credits under your belt. If you have legal issues on the boil, you will be busy with these. If you happen to work as a lawyer, you may find this week quite hectic. Be careful, especially if going on a trip.

Do you think working in a law firm counts??

Go Team GB!

Rank Country Gold Silver Bronze TOTAL
1 China 35 13 13 61
2 USA 19 21 25 65
3 Great Britain 11 6 8 25
4 Germany 9 6 6 21
5 Australia 8 10 11 29
6 South Korea 8 9 5 22
7 Japan 8 5 7 20
8 Russia 7 11 12 30
9 Italy 6 6 6 18
10 Ukraine 5 3 6 14

What a tops weekend of sport (well if you exclude the pants 90mins of footie I endured yesterday)... the cycling has been utterly awesome!

Discover Kent!

The real

Havisham Hall

Medway @ dusk

Here we go again!

Shame the game was poor. Shame it looked as though the team had picked up where they left off... shame the singing at the end was along the lines of 'What a load of rubbish'. Don't suppose I'll be able to give my season ticket away....

So first home game of season...
Gills 0 - Luton T 1
giving them -27 points. They'll catch us soon enough...

Gillingham 0 - Cochester 1 (CCC 1st)

So a return to form and my excitement abates.

Subtle Book Cover

Perfect for tube stares!

Not quite

Olympic standard but did struggle through 25 lengths of the 20 metre pool ... in 25 minutes!! Oops.
Think I also gave one of my colleagues a bit more than he bargained for this evening as I arrived in a blaze of bright pink! hehe. Gave most of the tube more than they bargained for too as my drying hair got curler and wider! hehe.
Definitely helped take my mind off the day gone by and I hope to sleep well this evening.
Splash!

And so..

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20) You could be your own worst enemy as far as a social situation is concerned. Stop telling yourself you don't know what to say to people. By having several topics of conversation ready before going into a party, you'll be much more relaxed. Avoid dead end topics like the weather. Enquire after people's interest in books, movies, and sports. If you're unfamiliar with someone's hobbies, ask lots of questions. People love to expound on their favourite topics. Call my Capricorn advice line to hear why a clear cut and well organised plan of action will help keep confusion to a minimum and keep things running just the way you like them to run.

Overdrive

Your brain cells go into overdrive this week, KAREN, and you won't be able to click your mind off long enough to eat, sleep, or chat with friends. On Tuesday, the Moon in Capricorn in your sector of self trines mental Mercury in busy Virgo, and you will occupy your time with busy tasks. You may make lists of all the friends you have, the clothes in your closets, and the lofty goals you have for your future. On Saturday, you morph into reflective mode, aided by the strong Eclipse energy. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse takes place in Aquarius in your sector of values, and you will do some serious thinking regarding the right path you should take in your life journey. You may think you know where you are going, but once you stop and ponder a bit, you will realize that you are operating on autopilot and you have no real idea of what truly makes you happy in life. You are too smart and savvy to just coast along the surface of your life, direction unknown, and you know that. On Sunday, Mercury trines Jupiter in Capricorn, and you receive good news that will bring a smile to your face.

Fleurs

A Parisian Affair

Late posting!

Stars on Sunday...

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20) You need intellectual stimulation. This would be a good time to try a book you've always been meaning to read, or return to an old classic you enjoyed as a child. You may be surprised at how this material changes the way you look at the world. Nothing encourages versatility like being exposed to challenging material. If you've been thinking of taking a trip, do some research into hotels and plane fares. You could find some great bargains in unexpected places. Call my Capricorn advice line to hear why a clear cut and well organised plan of action will help keep confusion to a minimum and keep things running just the way you like them to run.

So I went to the local WHSmiths to buy a classic... sadly they seemed to have confused StarWars with classics. So Waterstones in Wimbledon I trekked too... 3 for 2 on Classics. I branched out got 'Lady Chatterley's Lover', DH Lawrence, 'A Parisian Affair & Other Stories' by Guy De Maupassant as well as 'Eleven Kinds of Loneliness' by Richard Yates and 'The Slaves of Solitude' by Patrick Hamilton (my journey with Bob, Jenny and Ella nearly complete.) Now I don't know which to start with - but I can tell you my books are now in alphabetical order on the shelf - whereas this morning they were not.... tsk tsk...

On the buses..

There was much going on in SW19 this fine Sunday. The morning was bright and fresh, a tad windy but an improvement on yesterday afternoon. Firstly as I did my morning walk I was passing 'crime' scenes across streets of Wimbledon as 'The Bill' was filming. They had already been unwrapping St Hugh's hospital earlier in my stomp. Lights, cameras and bus loads of cast.. exciting - though perhaps a bit of a pain if it's your house they are outside at 9am on a Sunday morning.
I continued round my loop through the quiet town centre along Alexander Road onto Haydons Road. Here there were street cones and lots of Asian people clad in sari's preparing for a carnival or something - street side stalls, floats and lots of colours. Plenty of bustle and a real sense of community.

Bear in mind its not yet 10am I sense today is an important date in the local area. I then make the connection that I have noticed a large number of vintage buses too - sure enough outside the Merton Bus garage there are bus spotters... and they I hope were not disappointed as there were plenty traversing the SW19 neighbourhood - double and single deckers - bright red and very robust looking compared to the double deckers you see today...all in all lots to see and do.

I went back out again later to buy books. The buses were more frequent and the travelling passengers looked most resplendent on the top decks with cameras and smiles. The sun has shone and I have filled out my student application form... still undecided as to course though! Too many options!! History of Architecture maybe.

Goggles.

Not Google. Goggles.
My mood was still grey after last nights hideous journey home. But the weather forecast and a rabid clock alarm meant I was awake at 6am and raring to get going - I got out of bed at 6.30am hung up washing and went for my early morning walk. The sky was brilliant blue and the vapour trails were creating magical patterns in the sky. I really pushed myself round this morning - a combination of weird and wonderful aches and then the new found sense of exercise will cure all. I was steaming by the time I got home. Washed and respectable I continued with my chores - hoover, go shopping for some key ingredients (had a yearning for blackberry and apple crumble) and also to check out swimming goggles. My working week ahead is mental. So in an attempt to get myself through I have set myself the goal of going swimming after work on Monday. This gym, changing room thang is not the huge elephant I thought it was (no, that was/is just me) so if I could mitigate against short sightedness then a few lengths of the pool would be a good way of toning and extending my activities. So Sports Direct for swimming goggles! Fitness kit is also a temptation now! The darker the better to avoid unsightly sweat patches in rather embarrassing places! I am also toying with lopping off my hair too - easier to dry if shorter... am I that vain that I care about its current length? Not really - but hairdryers in gym - pants! My workout - 40mins - hair drying (if I chose to do so) probably 30mins!
I prepare 2 lasagnes and my crumble. Football season starts. I go for a lay down at 3 to listen. Promptly fall asleep and miss all but the music for Sports Report. Hey ho! TV - rubbish so iPlayer steps in.
Watch 'American Psycho' DVD - amid noisy neighbours party to the left and then fight with ear plugs to block out upstairs radio programme. I drift from feeling OK to hating everything. Sparky rings and texts. I ignore them all. He barely cares when he is on London why should it change when he is not. His worrying tone means I finally relent and send a short text message.
Am fine.
What does that mean exactly?

Bournemouth 1 - Gillingham 1

Which is an improvement on last season's result... and puts us 10th.

Sounds as if it was rather fortunate... and thank the lord Twiglet stayed with us...

I fear my interest will not spark until I have got back to row Q...

08/08/08

And so the Olympics begin.
Thanks to Radio 5 for bringing it all to life!

Thanks also to London Transport for making me wince at the prospect of this experience for us in London in 4 years time... I leave work at 6 and get home at 5 to 8... no Northern line, walk to Waterloo - no trains there. SO walk to Victoria and get train to Balham - luckily the Northern line is revived. Just what my saddle ached butt needed! An 8 mile walk!

Home. Argh.

At least

I have now been twice!

How bad will I ache tomorrow?! watch this space!

I ACHE!!!!!!!!!

It is now starting to hit me!!

My knees. My abs. My chest. Aargh!!

More required I suspect!!

Spot the theme yet?

Month ahead: The Leo Solar Eclipse which sets a theme for the next few months hints that learning to share, care, relate and co-operate in a new and different way is vital. Whether it is over financial or emotional matters, you'll set yourself on a better path if you can change the habits of a lifetime. So try not to be too standoffish or too independent. Mars will continue to raise the temperature in discussions especially between the 6th and 17th. You may say more in the heat of the moment than you really intend or is a good idea. You could also be minorly accident prone as you shoot around at high speed. So put safety first and count up to 20 before responding even to provocative comments from those at work and elsewhere. Luckily Venus will be on hand to smooth round a few rough edges and will in any event brighten up your social activities. Once through the challenges and tensions of mid month you'll be into a competitive, ambitious few weeks when you'll take the lead and insist everyone around is on their toes. Suddenly your horizons will open in front of you and the way ahead clears.
Week ahead: You are in a mood this week to kick up your heels. You want something new and more exciting in your life. Whatever feels stale or dull needs a shake up. Your frankness may get you into trouble with your nearest and dearest, but you are insisting on going your own independent way. Luckily your obvious enthusiasm should be enough to keep them sweet. Just try to involve them in all your social plans since you definitely want to stir up more fun.
Day ahead: In an assertive mood you're keen to improve your life's situation however you can. This is due to Mars in your house of wonderful ideas and stimulating conversations, which makes you feel more idealistic than usual. You can be extremely inventive in your thinking and speaking at the moment, really on the button, but you can also be absent minded. Write your bright ideas down the instant you have them, otherwise they may be forgotten.

Renée Zellweger

Ah weekend TV - I find myself hopelessly watching Bridget Jones's Diary for what must be the 10th time and then on Sunday Miss Potter. What is it about romance huh?

I did though envy Beatrix her life in the Lakes - ah - walking, scenery and fresh air. Looked perfect!

Someone

asked me today what my news was for the week/end... I found I had little to say. It mirrored a similar 'lacking in conversation' conversation I had had (or not had if you wish to be more accurate) with my Mum on Sunday on the phone. I truly felt I had nothing of worth to say. Or share.

SO what has been happening? I guess I have been looking inwards to see if I can find the will power/strength I need to sort myself out. I already know its not going to be a quick transformation. I am asking myself who I am - as opposed to how do people see me? Too long a 'nice to have' in many people's life. Never quite nice enough though to have for longer than is needed. And with that realisation that relying on a n other is perhaps foolhardy I have to work out what I want for me. For the next 5-10years.

SO I have joined the gym - had my first session today - and yes it felt great afterwards. A natural high - I had surpassed my expectations and managed all the equipment really well. I even had an unexpected flair on the rowing machine. So walking and no fags for 7 months stood me in good stead. I was asked why join now? Well there are two reasons - I was feeling fat/insignificant/unhappy with myself so some toning and new challenges would help my spirits. Next mountain to conquer (oh yes as a goat i need mountains to climb. Proved I can walk everyday so what's next?!). And then I was thinking there are few benefits here so lets make the best of the ones that do exist. Plus it will complement my walking and give me options. Crikey I used to hate sport and gym at school so even going was a huge step! At least now I have some exercises I can do with my balance ball at home too.

Next - check out that prospectus and get on a course. Get brain cells above the pits they have sunk too.

Personally it has been an odd week whereby several influences/male acquaintances have all ended up in Kent. Those that were not there already. Sparky has entered the Medway towns for a 5 week stint of living and working there, whilst The Actor has returned and is in Tonbridge and back in touch. Lisa is settling well in Tunbridge Wells. Several other textie friends are also in the Borough of Kent.

My roots are all back in Kent and somewhere the school bell rings the end of the summer holidays for the footballing world. I have not been to Kent for weeks. Now it seems I may be back with a vengeance. I have been toying with the notion that my darkest days and crisis of confidence were brought about the Gills relegation and the sudden loss of weekend entertainment. I was so enthused before the end of the season with solo trips away etc. It was keeping me confident and stimulating my brain. (Next year I am gonna book my hols for June/July to stave off the doldrums).

Now I have mentally forgotten about football and indeed any optimism I had has been shredded by poor friendly results and a lack of decisive summer signings. Once more my season does not bode success - though it should... we should aspire to go back up. Ask me how I feel in a month's time etc etc. But the intriguing thing is the sudden interest people have in joining me to go to a game... to get back to grass roots and my reaction to it. At first I was excited by this. Then I decided it was an invasion of what makes me - me. My support/security through thick and thin has been my relentless passion and commitment to Saturday's at footie. I am slowly realising that maybe sharing this would not be so bad.. might even be a turning point for me. I am pig headed about going. It rules my life if I am honest. Perhaps by extending it to new faces I can reassess its importance. Who knows - but its worth exploring over the next few months... again watch this space! It will also keep me on my toes!

Other news? My Mandate proceeds. I keep getting stuck with the key decisions so am trying to break it into manageable pieces. And that does not mean avoid things. Just work out the way forward.

And then I try to recall when I last laughed. It may have been a pub jaunt last year when my brother was over, all the key people were around me. Beers and laughter.
And then I try to recall when I last properly relaxed and laughed - the last time I was me. Not angry. Not sad. Just confident with everything to give and nothing to lose. When did it all get so intense and life n death? It's not really, compared to most my life is good but I have lost my sparkle. I want it back and I may have to break a few rules to get it... stop worrying about the consequences and live for the moment.

I had something of a major realisation moment Friday 25th. It's not anger I feel - that's just the safest emotion to show/express. It's a sense of loss and regret. My feelings haven't changed deep down. And that's what I am fighting - the right thing vs the things I feel.

But today felt more like a step in the right direction... best walk before I can run tho!

Today

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan20)

You're ready to branch out into new territory. Stop listening to people who think your efforts are doomed to fail. You will never know until you try. If you want to visit a foreign country, brush up on the language before you go. You don't have to become fluent, but it will help if you know some basic phrases. Listening to language courses in the car or on your iPod can be really helpful. This is a good time to add to your qualifications with a training course. Call my Capricorn advice line to learn why it's a great time to use your independent spirit. You'll feel more in control if you know any decisions made are what you really want and not what other people expect.

Planning

Allow your intuition to guide you to create greater prosperity, KAREN. You have an opportunity early in the week that is going to give you a chance to improve your overall wealth. But you need to pay attention to your inner guidance. Overall, this is a good time to plan ahead financially and to ensure that you have all areas covered. Don't allow money to be frittered away on things you don't really need. If you are traveling anywhere on Wednesday, be prepared for disruptions and unexpected problems. If you can go with the flow, you may find that things will work in your favor anyway. The main thing is to keep an open mind. Don't commit to major purchases or to any agreements that involve a lot of money on Wednesday as they may prove unsuitable. Wait a day or two before you do so. You are very keen to get ahead, and while Mars is in your career zone, you are leaving no stone unturned to get some super-creative projects up and running. You may be working behind the scenes, but somehow this is bringing you a well-deserved good reputation.

Williamstown

Was accepted for Schmap..

Whilst

beavering away this afternoon I have been listening to the Archers Omnibus (Ed and Emma - what are you doing???!) and am now being entertained by the Proms... so can I recommend, if you get a chance, you listen to these before 11am on Sunday... Doctor Who Prom - Part 1 and Part 2

Off

to see 'The Dark Knight' this evening... slurp! Christian Bale for 2hours 30mins... yum! It's been a while since the '3.10 to Yuma'!! And it means I can add another seen! to my list!