I'm with you

So what have I learnt this week? I mean, being separated from the routine? From the place that supposedly makes me tick? What have I learnt about myself having to share my small space and trusty independence with 2 other people? What have I been up to instead?

I guess rather a lot.

I have not overtly missed work. I have checked my Blackberry every day which I suspect that's down to a mortal fear of being forgotten. Swept under a carpet. It has been nice sleeping in til 8/9 (yup even on the sofa bed) and then not having to run the gauntlet of the tube. But I have pretty much switched off - just wondering what I didn't do that is making those left in the office's lives hell. I do worry I won't find it too easy to go back - to project all the different faces to the different audiences both near and far.

Whilst back here at base I have tried really hard to be considerate and less set in my ways around the house - which at times has been quite hard. But I have tried to be upfront and honest about my feelings. Sadly those who know me well know my face doesn't hide things too well. So I have probably not seemed as sincere? convincing? as I needed to be. So in short -

Not being part of a couple I find it hard to adapt my perceptions of how I should see my brother, indeed how I should be around him. I cannot decide if I have become 'eccentric' to compensate or just dulled my true self down so much I am now perceived as uptight. I have a horrible feeling they are both scared of me - and I wonder if the humorous relationship I used to have with my bro has long since fled the nest.

I suspect that all sisters notice the subtle changes that their brother having a wife enforce upon their sibling. To be fair I haven't actually had 5 minutes with him alone and that is to be expected as this is the first time they have been back to England since Emma left and it's the first outing as Mr & Mrs. I, therefore, have fully accepted my reduced role in my brother's life. Doesn't make it any easier! And I just worry at the lack of individual spark. I have been blunt at times in my expression of this (Be a man - choose what YOU like.) I am just used to being sparky with the key people in my life.. bit of banter sees me through. I can be deadly serious when needed. In this dynamic when things are tense I find I cannot be either.

Please don't get me wrong - on the whole I think things have gone well - no real rows - just me dealing (stoically & silently) with the ever present Gooseberry feeling. In fact we have had as many laughs as awkward silences. In drink only? Maybe.

In tandem with people watching inside my four walls, I have been taking some serious time to consider other issues in my life. The ones I chose to keep within. I suspect here too I already know the answers and would be better off seeking alternative routes fairly soon.

So as I have also watched the key people in my life all meet and collide in intense bubbles of time, I have witnessed how preconceptions of others are tested. All the past words suddenly forgotten as the realisation dawns that maybe the past persona isn't as bad as they immediately assumed. I have always found it hard to accept some of the things said by people about a person they had never met. To see the balance re-dressed has been fun. But hey you're here so you know my blog - Assume Nothing. Throwing a few new faces in has been enlightening too - good to get different reactions to people you tend to spend most time with. To again have your own preconceptions challenged in a neutral environment. I was ok with all I saw. Strengthening.

So, don't assume that all is as it seems. Which leads me to note that another of my friend's blogs has painted a content and happy blog persona whilst in Facebook land I see another, more confused, soul. I think the rollercoaster he rides ceased this week. I also have a feeling a few well chosen words made him take a deeper look at the assumptions he was making. I have to say some of you men are incredibly lucky that I have no desire to be a bunny boiler! Either way I hope he has found the compremise to insure his future commitments. In the process I will now despite my wise words be sidelined once again. When will the planets align for me?!?!

I therefore confess - my blog has ALWAYS been self censored. I care too much for the well being of my family, friends and colleagues to be totally & brutally honest here (okay maybe this post is a slight exception to prove the rule). But I choose not to share stuff, as opposed to glossing over things which cause me upset/tension/worry - or even such utter happiness that I dare not speak of it. These ideas/events get mentioned cryptically - those who need to know - tend to do so. Most things though I am fully happy to share. As long as I know I would say things out loud to peoples faces then all is well. Sometimes being so used to ones own solitude makes it hard to share too much of anything. All self contained. And yet I have different people in my life to tell different things too. So in Facebook land I can be a bit more honest with a select few than I would be here...

When asked the question 'So if you let your imagination run free and think of the things you might want to do ... but shouldn't - what would they be ?' I can quickly answer with 4 things.. of which I would only be prepared to admit two here! (run away to another country. pose naked for an artist.(oh did that by myself!!!!))

I have accepted that long ago I choose to tread a different path. I have met Mr Right. Many times. Unfortunately he has also been Mr Right but not right now. I am not lonely - just single - independent. I have been fortunate - most of the Mr Rights have stayed in touch as friends. I shake it off - dust down and move on - so much so I have come to expect it in all relationships... stony heart.

So what am I saying, exactly? I'm with YOU - when you need me.
In your head. In text land. In Internet land. In reality. In so much as I can ever be allowed to be.

Who is with me? Who can say?
Who wants to be that conventional?