Which colour?

Same one?

Same one?

Same one?

Same one?

One

Wednesday - reprise

Today I had a video conference.

An early lunch.

Got a 'thanks mate' text from Sparky.

I survived dull meeting. In fact even injected some humour to make it more worthwhile for the other participants.

I read a book about sharepoint.

I had a positive meeting which allowed me to be constructive. But this was not approved by the First Man. I, me, need to feel I am earning my pay. This meeting gave me that.

Anyway he had lunch with AKA and talked Belbin.

Sorted summary sheets for tomorrow.

Left work.

Walked like the angry person I fear I am turning into. Watched Chinook flying along Thames in the dark. Threaded through party goers on Embankment.

Got tube, made mistake of flicking to end of book to see how many pages and read the note to readers.

Not sure now if I will finish 'Operation Shylock'. It's a sham.

Got text from Lord DM who has had a dull week in Devon.

Spoke to my landlord. Yes my ear plugs are great.

Texted Mazza. Still laughing after last week's shopping trip. Off to Manston tomorrow.

Spoke to my oldest friend and shared experience and advice. The motto we shall preach - 'I am at my prime so going to make the most of the next 5 years'. (yup - between 35 to 40 - looking better than did in my 20's gonna go for some fun and satisfying those old needs). So yes love 'em & leave 'em seems to be the key. No more emotional heartache. Strength in endeavour.

Sunk 3 glasses of agreeable red. Red cheeked and cheeky.

Watched 'How to look good Naked'. Always makes me laugh as the average bloke ain't exactly Brad Pitt when undressed. Looking good naked it is in the head... I always do - until someone is watching!

Heroes.

Dye hair?

Bed?

Wednesday

Already decided I am bored and do not want to do any part of today.

Tuesday

Today has been without doubt so dull I am struggling for things to say. For those of you hoping that a 'what I do' blog would be full of affairs and sexual encounters I am afraid I have nothing to offer. Unless you wish to get inside my head. Lots of that there.

Today I went to work - overslept until 7.15am and was still not late. The reason - a total lack of sleep right now. My brain is running between reality and fantasy. Truth and lies. My pre sleep reading - my diary March 2001 and the adventures I had had with Lovegod. Enough to keep anyone awake. Oh and Mr & Mrs Noisy Neighbour being loud until 1.30am did not help.

Then my first meeting with The First Man didn't happen as he was being dragged into other things.

Then I disappeared for 2.5 hours to listen as the Major Project was described to the DC team. That meeting had one advantage. The presence of an in-the-know kinda chap. I found myself working out which way his crossed leg was pointing to see if there was any body language action. Maybe a little towards the end. The semi see through blouse has some advantage. Then a rushed lunch of jacket spud and quorn curry. Bought First Man a coffee. By way of some veiled apology. Text from mum - our friends son n wife have given birth to a baby girl. Good news.

Next the delicate issue of user access on the Major Project. 45 minute time out in which I struggle to get into any meaningful work. I day dream. I day dream about sex. Then its an online session with our friends in LA. Yup the Major Project. I return to collect my tube pass and house keys at 5.45. Text from mum - one of dad's friends' wife died in her sleep. Sad news.

Walk. Tube. Local shopping arcade to Boots for hair dye where upon I discover the Clarks shoe shop is now open! The WHSmiths will be opening on Thursday and TKMaxx had no custard jug.

Home. Oz and James Californian Wine Tour - mmm great memories of my 2 trips to San Francisco. Such a vibrant and exciting city.

Spooks.

Actor does not want me to see his play on Saturday cos his ex will be there. What this has to do with me I know not! I haven't seen the guy for 2 years. He suggests I go another day this week but has failed to give me the times - so looks like Saturday is the one. If I bother.

Sent Sparky a card. Being mixed up is harder if there is no-one to talk too. Often all you need is a hug. Though I know right now I want a hug and all that follows.

Lights on!

Okay I did forget to mention that as I steamed into work from Bonk I had to wait while armed police and the city of London police prevent traffic and peds from passing the Old Bailey. Two gaol wagons duly sped by and went in. Always intrigues me - who is in there? What have they done?

Monday

Aah the thrill and excitement of Monday. I overslept until 7.30am from then on in it was a smash n grab job. Thankfully my attire does not reflect that. (Okay that is just my opinion!) On the radio this morning the joyous news that ambulance crews are not 100% sure that their wagons are as clean as they should be. Comforting.

So I race to the tube. 8.44am. Get on a Charing 'I am quite' Cross branch train and head for Embonkment. At Balam a partially sighted lady gets on with her black labrador. The rest of the journey is interspersed with said dog dropping its guts at frequent intervals. It was most unpleasant and I was glad for my scarf to bury nose into. The rest of the carriage were intend on looking round to see who had the guilty face. The dog's tail kept on wagging. Despicable Line to Blackfry-up and into work I walk. The third person in. Blade is in doing online questionnaires and ruing MOT's and insurance. Earl grey is surfing and I have to detangle several layers to look ready for work.

Aah the thrill of and excitement of Monday morning.

-------

Monday morning starts with a minor emergency - our key software package needs upgrading and unscheduled its now going to be today. I catch up with other stuff, replacing shoes to rightful place under desk following a weekend carpet clean, remove files from air con so there is some air, re-arrange coasters and get re-settled and ready for a day of meetings. First up the fishy fish project. It's been around a while and on occasion can smell. Today it's a catch up in prep for a video conference on Wednesday.

Then a weekly catch up with Lord J. I help him write the agenda for another meeting due on Wednesday. He uses a tablet PC. I use my nous. Then I crack on with documenting a modular project to a yet to be signed off business cased project. At 12.30 I change my boots for trainers and head out of office having pulled The First Man's leg about an unfortunate spot which has appeared. I suspect karma will catch me and by end of week I too will be suffering. WW beckons. Hooray am back to 10st 10lbs. Kelly will be overseeing until March - so I can make sure I see before she goes off and gives birth. Leave WW and avoid wolf whistling builders by sticking earphones in ears.

Am listening to Annie Lennox - sparked by her appearance on the South Bank Show last night. Disappointed with Melvin - too much slicing between interview and snippets of songs. I would have preferred proper chat. Annie's hand gestures have stuck with me today as have the rawness of her lyrics. Step forward yet another Capricorn influence.

'Bare' - an album which takes me back to when I split up with Sparky in 2005. Sitting in the flat singing the words and crying. 'Honestly' - "I turned myself into a person I didn't like". Meanwhile 'Diva' takes me even further back to the anguish The First One put me through in 1995. Trust me irate mother's of blokes kids (all of which til this point never mentioned) is not a great phone call to get whilst you are at home. From then on I suspect my life was never going to neat and tidy. However there were less pleasant things about that relationship which make that humiliation seem less painful. Thanks Annie your timely decade releases have fit a space in my emotional journey's. Can I listen and walk without crying?! Of course - today I just want to drown in her melancholy and once I switch it off forget it again.

So go for a walk across Wobbly Bridge the sun is in my eyes being so low. As you reach the south bank side the Tate Modern's iconic tower actually blocks the sun and I can see the hordes piling towards me. No time to view I sprint to Blackfriars Bridge. As I walk across it I read the chalked commentary left by a amorous couple over the weekend. The wooing, the suggestion and then the happy faces of afterglow. All the words &/or pictures made to fit the paving slab. A full blown conversation. Had I walked the in the other direction it would not have worked. I smile and head to Tesco's for fruit and yoghurt. Desk again the office is empty the rest of the PMT (no no NOT that PMT - Project Management Team - haven't had the bad PMT for ages btw) are out. Peace.

Quick scoff and check on GFC news then its time to decamp to the White Board Room for an afternoon of the Major Project stuff - catch ups, mandate reviews and an online training session with our friends in LA. At 6.10pm I am released. Projector secured up and email reviewed I bid farewell to the remaining workers and ask them if I look enough of a freak to be arrested? (Ok here's the picture starting from the bottom - trainers, pick trainer socks, diamond tartan tights, a-line skirt, 'that' leather coat, and my brown beanie. Mad? Me?) None offers an answer. Walk to Witterloose decide tube better option as it is already 7pm. SavaCentre for Horlicks refill pack. THEY DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!!! WHY!?!? So I am forced to buy a completely newly packaged version. GRR.

Enders. Nigella Express - how much wasted cheese?

Blog. Emails. Lights out.

Use Your Imagination

There seems to be a lot happening behind the scenes this week. Your spiritual zone is highly emphasized and will be even more so when Mercury moves into Sagittarius on Friday. This brings you a fantastic opportunity to make use of your capacity to visualize what you want. First of all, you need to reflect on your priorities. Ask what kind of life you want to lead and then all you have to do is use your imagination to bring it to you. If you do this regularly, you'll be amazed at the changes you can bring about. Don't sign any new contracts or close any deals on Monday; you may be missing some vital information. Wait a few days until you have the facts in hand. However, it's a good time for brainstorming, so make a note of your best ideas. You may experience a conflict on Friday when the Sun squares Saturn. It may be a clash of beliefs, which makes it difficult for you to take the next step on the path to success. This is why it's very important to know what your goals are. Make sure you tune in to your intuition over the weekend, as it will bring many benefits.

Loneliness

Loneliness - Annie Lennox

Loneliness
Is a place that I know well
It's the distance between us
And the space inside ourselves
And emptiness....
Is the chattering in your head
It's the call of the living
And the race from life to death
Woa and I know
Yes and I know
What you feel...

And I've got a longin'
That's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong

Hopelessness
is the darkness in your heart
It's the sound of one hand clapping
While it's pulling you apart
Woa and I know
Yes and I know
What you feel

And
I've got a longin'
That's hard to find
Won't give me no peace of mind
Something that I've lived with all along
Days and weeks and months and years
Filling in the time my dear
Tryin' to find the place where I belong
And
I got a hunger that's
Hard to fill
Driving me on overkill
Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong
Got me a need
That I can't break
More than I can hardly take
Somehow I still keep on going strong

When I call your name
I'm gonna scream out loud

I'll say...
"here I am standing in the crowd"
You'll say "come to me
With your open mind
you never know
What you still might find"
But you keep me here
Like a cancelled flight
An empty train
Running through the night
An orphan child
A broken shoe
and I'm still down here
Lookin' out for you
Are you there for me?
'Cause I'm here for you

Today

Reminded me of driving lessons and watching footie down the park on a Sunday afternoon.

A real sense of me aged 17.

Ciggy

I really want one at the moment.

Some weird sense of oh it'll make everything ok...I have none.

Imagination only.

Me & my mates

New seat covers

Weekender..

Friday into Saturday and then once more to Sunday.

My weekend begins with the clock radio alarm going off as I did not reset it last night (6.30am) - erm or should that be early this morning. It makes up for the thing not going off on Monday morning. I faintly recall a chap at Moregate asking me the taxi situation at Moorden. I suggested it was not good. My experience has always been that I end up walked back from Moorden as taxis and buses seem to always disappear when needed. The chap needed a cap to take him to Maidstone. I smiled and said I was a Kent girl. Then recommended trying to find transport at London Bridge as opposed to the SW side of deepest darkest London. He seemed grateful. All it proved to me was I was less drunk than I thought. I also know that the wait at Moregate for a tube was 15 minutes. I assumed I rattled into the flat just after 1am. Beer. Chat. Jealousy. Oh and Jeremy Bowen.

My head and memory coming too I venture swiftly to the kitchen for OJ and tabs. Once taken I return to my warm and secure bed. I sleep soundly until 9am. I have to get up at some point. I have too. Football beckons but John Kettley keeps saying how cold it is outside. A raw and biting wind. The sun has hidden away too. It was a full moon last night - that I do remember. And reading an Evening Standard and having a chap decide to sit either side of me on the tube even though the rest of the carriage was sparsely filled. I had waited for the train a minute behind the 15 min wait and presto got a seat. But that was in the past. Now I need to get up!

As I hit the bathroom to refresh and revive my weary bones and greyed skin my mobile rings. I ignore it. 9.30am? Not recognising the number I assume its a wrong one. Or worse somebody checking my number out as its been found in the wrong place. 01883 is a Caterham code. I am none the wiser.

So shower and scrub. Jeans and six layers of clothing later am ready for a proper scrambled egg on toast breakfast and the mighty Fighting Talk. I laugh as Colin Murray and the crew debate the important sporting questions of the week. As noon approaches I consider more layers and do my flat safety checks before leaving. It is colder outside than John Kettley led me to believe. Renew Oyster. Head for the farthest south end of the platform. Take pic of empty tube carriage and the Misery Line's newly upholstered colours. Change at Stickwheel for Victorious Line. Victoria Station. Madness. Tourists. Arsenal fans. Tourists. I manage to get ticket and jump on the 1.03. I am joined by turbo mobile phone user who also has a runny nose and sniffs constantly. I check to make sure she is not actually in pain/upset. Tickets checked. I fall asleep. Until Chatham. Alight at Gillingham and walk the least like Balmoral Road to the ground and beyond to meet Pops. I have never had to dodge quite so many vomit circles or massive dog turds as I do this afternoon. Just what the greyed gilled hungover fan needs.

Football. See Match Report!

Slow train back to London becomes a challenge to get all the other occupants to shut their windows. The carriage is freezing. I shut mine and the next one along. The two Leeds (!?) fans in the opposite seats alight at Chatham so I close that window. The Monkey Hanger fans in the seats diagonally opposite are so busy drinking Strongbow and Fosters they do not notice until Longfield. TOO LATE! So with hat and scarf still on I again plug into PJ. Several well to do couples get on - their monthly outing to the big smoke. As we draw into Vic I get several curious chaps asking me the score and the attendance. I smile (ish!) and say we won and refrain from saying there would have been more if you had been there too. My feet still haven't thawed out and I am getting quite impatient with life again. On to the Victorious Line - to strange looks and judging glances. Unfazed I relish that at least the carriage is WARM!!

Stickwell and sarf bound to home. Falafels, spuds and greens for tea. TV? Erm Casualty. The Tudors - sort of. I would say bed but I was busy PJ lyric hunting for posting here. When I finally go to bed - juts after midnight my friendly upstairs Mr Noisy Neighbour is talking to his colleague and I am sure they are doing DIY. Building a cabinet I mean. But the time it is 1.30 I have had enough and bang the ceiling furiously and yell a lot. First sign of madness? Bah. Don't care. Want sleep. At 2.15am he and 'friend' leave. I finally drop off.

8.30am brother rings. putting an offer in on a gorgeous house and planning the spending of first new job wage packet well in advance of its arrival. Christmas is mentioned. I have little to say and the conversation dries up. I am half asleep and sober - he is on the vino blanc and excited.

The Archers follows. Bit bland this morning. Brats b-d party. Kathy in a stew with any one who comes near. Emma ruing rejecting Ed and Clarrie & Eddie discussing turkey's and you guessed it the rather poor state of English football. I text Sparky to say hello. I still await a response. At least now I know what we need a break meant (break up not get yer passport we're going for a break.) I dress, hang out washing and go for a walk. The sun is out and its no where near as biting as yesterday. Bracing yes but once I get my pace on its very pleasant. Wombledon is as ever. I am sure if they could implement a dress code I would not be allowed in.

Tesco's for spinach so I can create my lasagne special. The guy on the counter tells his side kick to serve a customer and then carries on talking to her whilst 'serving' me. I mutter have a nice day as I leave. Takes him aback meanwhile a humble shelf stakcer in a bigger mood than me walks into me. Sullen. Costcutter for large envelope to send stuff to Oz. Again anyone would think I had handed over a turd when I paid for my goods. Have a good day yourself I curse as I leave that shop. I begin to suspect I am now getting the reputation as the batty woman who walks very fast and wears a Gills hat all the time.

Home. Peace and sunshine. West Ham v Spurs on radio. Sewing chores. Hoovering. And then my decadent Sunday treat - showering at 2 in the afternoon. Bliss! Means I can take my time. Scrub polish tidy hair and generally make myself feel tempting. I blow a kiss in the mirror and set about cleaning the shower - easier without clothes on I find.

Lasagne in oven. Sit back and relax for afternoon. Come Dine with Me - tad dull this week. Read Observer. Much more enlightening. Eat lasagne. Mazza rings. I am less communicative than usual. Lack of human contact makes me very introvert. Strictly Come Dancing. Completion of half finished Blog entries and then I guess - Cranford? Bed and oh dearie me Monday - so soon?

Gillingham 2 - Hartlepool 1

It was a cold old Saturday afternoon. Thankfully the world's largest man sat to my left so I had at least some wind break and body heat to cling too. Did not stop my feet from turning blue and my nose from going red. The game? First half was a case of trying to work out who was playing for us let alone the opposition. Most of the team were new to us - signings and loans from he hem the non league end of the divisions. The 3 year strategy to get to the FA Trophy final looks to be in full flow. Pops was nervous. I on the other hand reckons Stimson has very little to lose so why not go for a real shake up and see what happens? I know you never win anything with kids - so we will be fine - we were not winning much without them.
So the twins are in, Colin and Arfur and the Pie family. The trio to my left are fairly up on footballing stresses and do not irritate me overly. The first half is akin to watching under 18's football. Naive and less skillful than you'd like to see. We gift Hartlepool's James Brown a goal in the 25th minute. The heads do not drop but the first touch and passing remain inadequate to turn the tide. Thankfully 2 minutes added time is cued and the first end closes. To boos. A trait this weekend it seems.

Half time brings out the Slightly Spicy Girls. Dressed in not much more than frilly swimwear they were probably less spice and more bruised bluesy gals. Invicta Radio seem to think that a half time crowd at GFC would benefit from some entertainment. They sang 2 live songs. And were booed. By most of the 5,488.

Some fans to my left were getting into the spirit and jigging along. Dad & I remained seated and laughed a lot.

Second half - what a difference the Spicy Girls make... ha ha. Oli scores in the 46th minute. It looked for all thje world as if it was going over the bar. In it went. The Gills fans could sing their 'new' song. Oli Oli Oli - oih oih oih! And O-lay O-lay O-lay O-Lay. (Feeling hot hot hot) - told you those Spicy Girls were to blame.

The second goal I missed. With giant hay stacks to my left and pops to my right all attempts to get upright saw me pushed back down. Can honestly say that's the first time that's ever happened. Trapped in my seat. And boy was standing up good - movement to the outer limbs to get some blood circulating. Oli scores his second. Substitution takes place and a player with longer hair comes onto the pitch. Without a close up hard to tell but certainly put Sparky in my head for the rest of the game. I also for the first time this season had a real longing to see Matty Jarvis running the left hand side... wherefore art thou Matty?

So we managed to hold on to the lead. How? Not overly sure. But the team are clearly in need of some time to gel and get a feel for each other. They are also in need of toughening up. GOT to be stronger on the ball and better skilled with the first touch. Stimson sounds positive and is getting them all proper fit.

The bigger question - what is he gonna do with the current members he has dropped in favour of these new boys?

Ooh. Who are you? A new team sheet is required:
1. Kelvin Jack (GK)
2. Duncan Jupp
3. Craig Armstrong
4.
5. Simon King
6. Ian Cox
7. Andrew Crofts
8. Mark Bentley
9. Gary Mulligan
10. Delroy Facey
11. Nicky Southall
12.Simon Royce (GK)
13.
14. Aaron Brown
15.
16. Efe Sodje
17. Andy Pugh
18. Craig Stone
19. Sean Clohessy
20. David Graham
21.
22. Derek Stillie (GK)
23. Barry Cogan
24. Guylian Ndumbu-Nsungu
25. Tom Bryant
26. Chris Dickson
27. Luke Freeman
28. Dennis Oli
29. Charlie Howard
30. Leroy Griffiths
31. Adam Bygrave
32. Stuart Thurgood
33.
34.
35.
36. Adam Miller

Lost Dogs

A few other good PJ lyrics...my advice - go listen and feel...

No Way
Here's a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I'm feeling so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

All the static in my attic a
Shoots down my side nerve
To the ocean of my platitudes
Longitudes latitudes it's so absurd
I just need someone to be there for..
I just want someone to be there for..
Someone to be there for..

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference

No way {2X}
Ooh, let's call in an angel {3X}

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way
'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
No way No way, no way
Let's call in an angel

Who's calling an angel?

Corduroy

The waiting drove me mad
You’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back
Cant let you roam inside my head
I don’t want to take what you can give
I would rather starve than eat your bread
I would rather run but I cant walk
Guess I’ll lay alone just like before

I take the varmints path I must refuse your test
push me and I will resist
This behaviour’s not unique
I don’t want to hear from those who know
They can buy but can’t put on my clothes
I don’t want to limp for them to walk
Never would have known of me before
I don’t want to be held
In your debt
I’ll pay it of in blood let, I be wed

I’m already cut up an half dead
I'll end up alone like I began

Everything has chains absolutely nothing’s changed
Take my hand not my picture spill my tincture

I don’t want to take what you can give
I would rather starve than eat your breast
All the things that others want for me
Cant buy what I want because its free
Cant buy what I want because its free
Cant be what you want because I’m…

I aint supposed to be just fun
To live and die let it be done
I figure I’ll be dammed
All alone like I began

Hail Hail

Ah is there room for both of us? Both of us apart?
Are we bound out of obligation? Is that all we've got?
I get the words and then I get to thinkin'
But I don't want to think I want to feel!
How do I feel? And how do I...

If you're the only one well I'll never be enough yeah...
Hail hail the lucky ones I refer to those in love yeah...

I swore I'd love you till the day I died...ah and beyond...
Are we going to the same place? If so, can I come?
It's egg rollin' thick and heavy...all the past we carry...
Oh, I could be new...you underestimate me...
If you're the only one, well I'll never be enough, yeah...
Hail, hail the lucky ones, I refer to those in love, yeah...

I sometimes realize...I could only be as good as you'll let me...
Are you woman enough to be my man? Bandaged hand in hand... Yeah...

I find I'm on the run in a race that can't be won, yeah...
All hail the lucky ones, I refer to those in love, yeah...
If you're my only one...so good, you only one...
I want to be your one...enough, you won...your one...your hun...

Rearviewmirror

I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I'm not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn't breathe holdin' me down
Hand on my face kissin' the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
'Posed to endure what I could not forgive...

I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn't my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things
Clearer Once you, were in my...Rearview mirror...
I gather speed from you f**king with me
Once and for all I'm far away I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...
Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...
Rearview mirror
Saw things so much clearer
Once you...oh yeah...

Low Light
Clouds roll by
Reeling is what they say
Or is it just my way?
Wind blows by low light
Side tracked low light
Can't see my tracks your scent way back
Can I be here all alone?
Clear a path to my home
Blood runs dry
Books and jealousy tell me wrong
All I feel calm

Voice blows by low light
Car crash low light
Can't wear my mask your first my last
Voice goes by
Two birds is what they'll see
Getting lost upon their way
Wind rolls by, low light
Eye sight, low light
I need the light
I'll find my way from wrong, what's real?
The dream I see

Pilate
Talk of circles and punching out
Looking in drawing circles down
Falling up the south marking ground
Talking out of turn drawing circles down
Like Pilate I have a dog
{3X} {Obeys listens kisses loves}
Walks me out of town
Still one's a crowd
Making angels in the dirt
Looking up looking all around

Like Pilate I have a dog
{2X} {Obeys listens kisses loves}
Stunned by my own reflection
It's looking back, sees me too clearly
And I swore I'd never go there again
Not unlike a friend that politely drags you down, you down, you down
Like Pilate, I have a dog
{4X} {Obeys, listens, kisses, loves}

Footsteps

Don't even think about reachin' me
I won't be home
Don't even think about stoppin' by
Don't think of me at all
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...

Don't even think of gettin' inside
Voices in my head, voices
I got scratches, all over my arms
One for each day, since I fell apart
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...

Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my test, it was you
It was you...I did, what I had to do
And if there was a reason
Oh, there wasn't no reason, no
And if, there's something you'd like to do
Just let me continue, to blame you
Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my chest, it was you, you

Shame written lyrics fail to convey the essence of a song properly. Eddie's voice skimming across the words with note perfect intonation.

Spent a lot of time listening to PJ today on the tube and train to & from football. The Capricorn in me wanted to embrace the Capricorn of Sir Eddie of Vedder. Aah and the lazy harmonica. Beautiful.

Thursday 22nd - Pt II

The curry house... or the fawlty towers of yea ole Bromley??

Okay okay so by popular Baggy demand the eating arrangements in Bromley were not quites as expected. You had the 2 'waiters' - I now know why they are called waiters - they sure kept us waiting...

We were seated in the frosted window and given a menu. Drinks came. The like a matador the older waiter grabbed the serviette and whipped it onto my Pop's lap, Mazza was next - I preempted the strike and did my own.

3 poppadoms arrived. And chutneys. Imagine if you will onions, mango chutney and then well red cabbage chutney only it was not quite so pleasant but yes it was that pink. The fourth Empire Spice chutney was a soothing bright green mint yoghurt sauce. It was like Ghostbusters slime.

We chose our food and closed menus. During this time other several couples had joined the fun. The couple to our right came in all smiles. After 20 minutes waiting for a menu they left. Eventually our order was taken. Some 30 minutes later it did arrive just as well as Pops was ready to say he was sick of waiting. It looked okay. However my chicken dansak had a weird fruity flavour and strangely when I tried Pop's pathia that too had a similarly strange fruity flavour. So the difference was the lentil content. Mazza went for the highly radical mixed grill tandoori. It came in a semi sizzling dish. However half way through meal one of the other couples had also ordered a tandoori sizzler so the older rather BO fragranted waiter came over and without batting an eyelid shovelled the remaining meats from my mum's sizzle dish onto her plate. Apparently my mouth was agog as I watched this happen. Sure enough but seconds later the sizzler dish for table no 6 appeared.

Pop ate as if his throat had been cut all day. Mazza & I were less convinced. There was indeed a lot of food not being eaten when I cast an eye around the room.

The toilets. Oh yes. No loo paper and no working hand dryer. I made a point of using the serviette on my return.

Quartered oranges appeared as did 'warm' towels. Mazza had watched as the hot towel dish had been snatched from other tables - refilled and passed to next table. Pops went to the toilets - I asked for the bill. Pops returned. Smelly waiter removed all our table ware. Still no bill. By now Mazza was talking to other customers - who said they had been given dished they had not even asked for. Still no bill. I made parents put coats etc on to make it look as if we were going without paying. Still no bill.

We approached the counter and explained we had a train to catch. Oh.

The bill had been lost. Somewhere in the kitchen. Nice. I made a point of checking it before we paid. I also request they put some loo roll in the toilets. Yes yes the toilets are over there. No use.

Certainly the worst curry ever. Tandoori Knights, the Akash, the Spice of Raj and my Brick Lane haunts are all safe. Advice from the lonely planet Fairbo - do not plan to go drinking or eating in the London Borough of Bromley. Makes me glad the KCC booted the place out!! And yes we missed the train too.

Wot tosh

And this is supposed to cheer us up?

Other Side

it's not the same without you up here
can't find my wheels
your absence is what breeds this fear
warm breath and all it steals
you can't know how it feels to be in here
all the dark horse fields, befriendin' me
playin' ain't the same without you here
we've come to hate the golden rule
cannot seem to make the dots connect
the morning light don't show you near
you can't know what it's like to bleed from here
the blackened world goes white, it goes nowhere
oooh hoo..
death ain't the same without you, dear
i make the others run and hide
new york streets seem to make it worse
all this noise inside the quiet
i can't hold on, the weight you be
army body's broken fast, please lift me up
you can't know what it's like to be inside
your fading melodies can't beat my need
i'm not the same without you here
how can i quit to be there
sit and stare
stare..
begging for a prayer

cf Eddie and his top band, Pearl Jam.

Have

They not shared enough?

Thursday - Pt 1

And no I was not at an interview. I was though on trial.

I woke up with the planned event of calling my bro in deepest darkest Australia. However when I rang as planned at 7.30am I was told that wif n hubby had to go look at a potential house buy. I could hear words in the background. Instead then we exchanged quick views on the state of the Wembley pitch vs that of Underhill's (Barnet for those of you who have no idea of where I speak!) and a quick overview of his new job. The next scheduled call is Sunday am. So with the time planned to spend gassing and catching up (not spoken to him to him since Sept) I instead wash up. Listen to radio and plan what to wear. Mufti today. Thankfully the rain stops and clouds part before I leave the house in my tight jeans and that leather coat.

I saunter to the Post Office and get stuff sent to Oz. I saunter to the Misery Line. There is a train there but its going nowhere. So I trot back up escalator and head for Totting Broodway. Uphill the walk to Totting Broodway and my once bouncy boots do not bounce any more. Once at Totting B I have a choice re-risk the tube or get a bus. Oh yeah I walked this far cos it was quicker than the snakey line of north bound traffic. Tube it is to Ballsam. Overland to Victoria. We sit outside Vic Station for ages. The irony being that once I get to Vic I'll be straight back out to Broomley. Wandsworth Common looked lush and golden in the sun as we erm creeped passed though.

In the ticket queue at Vic Stn were a group of Croatian football fans. Flags a blazing and tube maps out. A kindly local suggested that tube tickets were best got down stairs in the underground station. But they were undeterred. I wish I had shaken their hands and wished them luck.

I eventually got to Broomley. Only an hour late. So to Starbursts we go for a coffee and chat. Ma and Pa are in fine spirits. Pa has already bought books and doormats from various charitee shops. Ma and I are itching to shop shop. The amusing thing about going shopping with Ma is she has no cash/money or card. So there's an un written rule that says I take charge. It all works out and the scramble (impatience short rotund lady telling the till girls what to do) in Debenhams affords me 25% off a rather splendid Wonderbra with 3 detachable straps. I figure it'll be hours of fun either way. We hook back with Pa and head for Spud-U-Like. MacDonalds without the burgers. Chips. Onion rings. Coke. Tasty.

Ma and I then wander off to M&S then Next and well then following text pleas from my poor Pa whose bum has numbed from sitting on a bench reading fiction we return to rescue hime and go in search of a pub. The Compass. St Austell brewery for 2 pints of Tribute. 1 each. Learn via Sky 'Sports in ur face' News that McLaren has been sacked but walks away with 2.5 million pounds. Yes folks a slightly useless sports manager gets the boot and and a nice cheque. You know I would have a go for 6 months if that's what happens. Ma has gone off to the nearest Charitee shop so Pa and I indulge in a few more pints and fast realise that the trains down to real Kent will be packed with commuters. So we inquire as to curry houses. 'The first one nearest the cinema'.

Ma discusses potential 60th birthday venues. Vegas seems a favourite. Be hot in July mind you!

Then the discussion turns to Pops and his desire to go digital. 3D pops?! This after admitting his final years at work were spent insisting that PC keyboards were for women. How very PC. I am therefore not convinced that Pops and a digital camera and the PC equipment that go with that are such a grand idea. However. I argue the case for and against. My legal training coming centre stage. We sup up and head for TKMaxx.

Why?

We're in search of a festive custard jug. 3 pints and anything seems possible. Except custard jugs in TKMAxx. Definitely a better experience whilst slightly tipsy though. We then head back along the High Street in search of curry house. The route to the Empire takes us passed several Fuller pubs and a Walkabout. The Spice Empire is the first curry house we get to. I continue walking as clearly the first one before the cinema may depend on direction assumed to get there. And yes sure enough there is one the other side of the cinema. Empty. The first one has at least 2 people in it. We venture in. What follows is too graphic to do it justice now - but rest assured part 2 will reveal all.

So bemused we head back to station and catch various trains home. Back in one piece several items of underwear the better. A new very very pukka suit for the festive season - lets keep those knees away from escalator teeth this year shall we?! And all the info I need to furnish presents for others.

Horlicks, bed.

Thursday

I dreamt England were knocked out of the Euro 2008 Championships playing poorly on a ploughed field.

Oh. Yeah.

Its still raining.

Shrivelled

Like english football

Wednesday

To mark 2nd birthday of blog I have tried not to think about it. It's here. Come and read it if you want. Comment if you want - but do so here. Do not use it to judge me outside of it.

So today. Well the morning routine is broadly as yesterday. Except I woke up slightly earlier and therefore left earlier. Despite checking the starboard and bow windows 3 times before locking up and going. The first thing that struck me as I left the house was the piercing blue sky and the two airliners in it. Beautiful. The end of street pylon was tangled in the sky by the telegraph post and wires. Magic. No rain. Appreciated. So I get a Charing makes me Cross branch Misery Line train and change at Embonkment. I would like to moan about this but sadly there was scant need. Well there were a few people on the escalators reading and being unaware of the hordes behind them and the usual uptight female who refuse to move down the carriage. But on the whole I was content in my world of Pearl Jam and pre work lull.

I arrive in a sun drenched office. The only person in is Earl Grey and he is merrily chomping on breakfast and checking the web. I take off the layers and trainers and turn into super asst manager. He hem. This morning I am on a course. Well until 2.30pm. How to recruit. I am not overly looking forward to it. The First Man arrives and sheepishly says good morning. Offers of tea are made but I am shortly leaving so decline. My parting words from last night have enforced a ponder. The First Man has pondered about himself. I smile and pass on my regards. Finally I hear laughter between us. It has been weeks since I last saw that smile. The sun through the window is warming and welcome. Sadly I have to leave it but not before my Chief comes to talk to me about The Major Project. I reply in my sage way and nod a lot.

I walk downstairs to training room 5. I am slightly late by 2 minutes following my Chief's interception - but not as late as the other 5 people due to be on the course. So the 3 technical types in the group have a chat. The course starts at 9.40am a mere 10 minute late. Lateness annoys me. I try not to show this. At the start of the session we are asked to answer several questions about the course leader, who at this point had said nothing - for example what sort of school were they educated at? Beyond school? Newspaper read? and other 'non-contentious' questions. The problem for me is trying really hard not to answer in the stereotypical way or indeed answer in a sarky way. I jot down answers trying hard not to be too judgmental. Our first prescribed task is not well described. So the separate groups all do their own thing and the course tutor is dismayed that we have not done as she asked. She asked us to interview each other so she knew how to run the course. Answers on a small postcard.

So after a poor start we switch back to conventionally going round the room telling everyone who we are and what we do and our expectations. Ah that's more like it. The ritual 'my job title is better than yours' competition and 'I am infinitely more suited to be here than you' positioning. He hem. It soon becomes apparent that due to The First Man's efforts several months ago, to which I was party and indeed grateful, most of what this course is about is stuff we have already done and put in place. So the morning shapes up into observing how other departments choose to operate. There are few surprises for me but there are some recurring themes which in my vast time here all seem to be still in play. However its easy to be coy when you realise how far things have come in your own little department. Meanwhile on the other side of the world... its a different planet.

Lunch is some curly sandwiches and deeply oil coated crisps. I pass on the crisps and stick with egg mayo - the moisture may help the bread. Then I hoover up the fruit bowl contents. In true internal course fashion I escape to the relative comfort of my desk. Finally some kindly office service chap has sorted out the light above my desk. Finally I do not sense I am creeping back into my gloomy corner cave. I am illuminated and able to see properly. This however has not pleased all around me. Apparently now its too clinical. Excellent. We are now ripe to operate.

(I can say my eyes and head feel less achy this evening. But then I have hardly been at my desk all day. Is this a real feeling or a proper feeling?)

I return to the training room. The final session descends into utter conversational jousting. I find it hard not to betray my impatience. People do like to talk. About themselves mainly. Finally the whistle blows and we can leave. Seconds away ready for next meeting. An hour talking to another a department head. The First Man seems much more relaxed so I in turn feel more levelled. The meeting goes well. A buzz is once more in the air.

I spend what is left of day getting last Xmas lunch money and tidying up email queries. Out of office on. Yes tomorrow I am not at work. The First Man suggests that I have a job interview. My mood dips. If I knew what I wanted to do then yes that may well have been the case. But no. Perhaps then its a covert suggestion.

Its still dry as I walk my groove into the Embankment pavement bound for Waterloo. As the train pulls out of Waterloo the rain has once more returned. I sit in the same seat as yesterday to see if I will be joined by the same clan as yesterday. I am not. But the man opposite me is older with no hair but one of those amazing grey beards and glasses which makes him look academic. He reads a book about how societies ruin themselves, not a newspaper which tickles my knees. I am glad.

Wombledon station is heaving. The rain is intensely falling. I risk it anyway and have to dodge larger puddles than ever and by the time I get to Sava Centre I am SOAKED to the skin. Oh well. It affords me more space as other consumers avoid my drips. Home - disrobe dry off and erm turn on the football.

I predicted we would lose. 0-2 we looked sunk. 2-2 and we back in it. 3-2 final score. I spend the game texting my dad. We are both as non plussed as each other. Too much lower league football. Too many basic errors. Its all too familiar. Actually its as bad as the lower league stuff I endure for the love of my team - the one without famous star names.

I am angry. The game I love has been abused over the last 11 years. Over paid. Under skilled. The team looked lack lustre in midfield and the poor youngster put in goal - I hope not as a scape goat. The media will go loopy but they have to accept their responsibility. The media and Sky Sports have sucked the natural order out of the game. The game has to take a long hard look and sort it out. It's not a given that England will qualify or indeed win. Time to face the facts. 'We're not very good'.

So is today the day the England Manager walks and based on the Customs & Revenue losing millions of personal details is this the day the PM loses his footing.

I watch Heroes on Three. Listening to the rain. And as today draws to a close I brew my Horlicks and trudge to my large welcoming bed. End of 6-06. Alan Green continues his heart felt rant though I fear Graham's Waddle & Taylor had provided a rather good warm up act.

Lights out.

Now we are 2

Erm. Not me of course. Blog is 2. 2 years old. Young.

Apologies for the dirge & riddles on here the last few months. What can I say? My head and heart have been pulled in a variety of ways. It's not quite over, not really, but choosing not to talk about my 'feelings' on here may help. I am 10 weeks sans ciggies. My brother has just got a new job and seems very happy - I speak to him in an arranged conversation on Thursday. I am on my own regime to get rid of bum bags. I lied to a friend and said I had been pole dancing when really I had been out drinking and laughing. I am to all intents and purposes functioning. Neither happy nor sad. Slightly hurt and rather angry. But generally keeping my dignity.

So instead meaningless phrases.

Love is a many splendid thing.

Love makes the world go round.

Love hurts.

Love will tear us apart.

Lovecats.

W.H.A.T.I.S.T.H.I.S.F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E.

Lovey.

Love/Hate.

Please feel free to add your own.

As for me I'll never fall in love again.

Then again when were Deacon Blue ever right? Best shirk the dignity too then!