Saturday

Wake up at 7.30am. Head raging. Visit bathroom. Menstruation is back.

Get a pint of water. Then add resolve. Back to sleep. Sleep through until 10am. Get up and have shower.

Breakfast scrambled eggs on toast.

Hang out washing.

Wash up. Pack several extra layers. Leave house and head for Victoria.

Get train ticket. Then my last voucher entitled GSWL. Get train from Platform 5. Sleep. Doze.

Gillingham. Meet Dad. Take seat. Lady in front of me turns up - chat about weather. Return of snow. Game somewhat dull. Gillingham 0 - Walsall 0.

Easily make 5.15pm train back to London. Find myself intrigued by chap who boards train at Rochester. Keeps combing his hair. Smells nice. Calls his mate Carl and has a Mancunian accent. Can just see his knee and hand. Mind races in all sorts of directions. Fantasising.

Lose him at Victoria. Need to get home and eat. Home. Washing in.

Mashed spuds, mushy peas and Quorn sausages. Watch 'Top Gear'. Listen to radio. Watch 'Casualty'. At 9.45pm go to bed. Place less sore head on pillow and sleep.

Friday

Oversleep. Finally get out of bed at 7.05am.
Get to work at 9.15am.
Tidy up end of week things. Go to supplier feedback meeting at 11am. 12noon await news from PC Anon about possibly meeting for lunch.

Boss arrives at work.
Lunch. Do not go for pizza with colleagues. Trot to Bank via hairdressers. Book appointment. Back 1pm. No sign. No texts. Then wander round and find said PC. Costa coffee for an egg sandwich and cup of tea. Catch up on news. Consider the past 9 years and how things have all turned out. Talk footie and my loathing of men, a man, at the moment. All good.
Afternoon appraisal bound.
Discover http://www.theitjobboard.co.uk/
Leave at gone 6pm. Walk to Waterloo. Tube. Home via Burger King.
Question of Sport. Eastenders. Numan on the red button. Get changed. Go to Tup.
Live music night and Craig's birthday.
Catch up with Craig, Jess, Nathan, Cherinne, Dog, Steve, Beau, Billy, Aussie Paul and Greenie.
Drink but 3 pints. Return from dance to find lime and soda I paid a quid for has gone. Get somewhat annoyed. Listen to acts from past and present. Dick Philpott. Adie Sweet. The Whittaker brothers. Get wistful for past. Dance with Greenie. Refuse to talk whilst he is not sober.

1.10am say good byes and leave pub. Find bed. Radio 7 - Arnold shoots himself.

Thursday

Tube 7.47.

Lunch in canteen with Mini and Carole. Salad. Round tables with table clothes. Most unusual for the canteen.

Home via walk to Waterloo then train to Wimbledon. Rain. Wimbledon. Back to Sainsbury. Tonight tissues. Toliet roll and cereal.

Eastenders. The Bill.

Bed.

Wednesday

Mum texted. Dad home ok. Off to see Rosie.

7.48 tube. Starbucks, no queue, GSWL. Finally finished drinking it around 3pm.

Remail Mary with correct day wishes for a birthday!

9.30am meeting. with internal finance. Heated. Followed by meeting with external suppliers & finance.

1pm back to desk. Lisa had texted. Replied.

1.15pm - lunch in canteen. Baked spud n beans.

2pm desk. Email catch ups.

4pm People meeting. 5.20 back to desk.

5.55 leave office. Notice 2 massive whiteheads on face.

Walk to Waterloo via Embankment.

Train. None due. So tube. Sleep. Sainsburys. 4 for 2 quid soup. Store looked as if starving thousands had been through and eaten everything.

Home.

Tea. Tin of soup. Holby City. Relocation Relocation. Text convo with Mum.

10pm - here. Bed beckoning.

Tuesday

Bed too comfortable. Swimming makes me sleep better.

Up shower. Trouser day, new jumper/shirt day. Only a vest.

Dry hair, eat breakfast of oats, sultanas and weetabix (1).

Am all set to leave when walking out of bathroom catch earphones wire on lock and pull off ears. And ruin earphones. Seek replacement pair. Tube station 8.16am. Colder day. Regret taking a layer off.

Bank and more words from VW in my head. Cheapside. Starbucks. No queue. GWSL.

Office.

Email Auntie Mary to wish Happy Birthday. She replies 'It's tomorrow'. Have email chat anyway.

Plug in and listen to tennis on radio whilst sorting finance items out for a meeting which is then cancelled. Brother texts re his Kasabian gig last night. And fact its Australia Day so he is off work. I can hear the Melbourne fireworks in the background on the radio.

12.05pm meet Planetface for lunch. SOS. Healthy pasta and virgin Mary. Good chat. Recount tales of weekend.

1.30pm back at desk.

Afternoon. Prep for appraisal work I need to do. Update plans. Test applications.

4.30pm go outside for a ciggy. Bad timing. LadyAs passes by, and in real bad-timing-debacle ends up in lift with me but studiously ignores me. Until she realises I have inadvertently selected the wrong floor for her alightment. Huff.

5.40pm leave office and go to meet friend for dinner.

Have a pint. Then steak and spud with glass of red. Good chat.

Walk to tube. Very cold. Home.

VM on home phone. The Actor.

Text Actor. Text Dad who is at Hartlepool. Watch TV whilst checking football scores via red button.

Monday

So to a new week.

Last night gave up on TV and started to read Belle's Best Bits. 100 pages in turned out light and went to sleep. Woke up in night but because I was cold not because I was stressed. Grabbed dressing gown and fell straight back to sleep.

Alarm off at 6am ignore. Snooze twice. Clock radio comes on. Get out of bed 6.25am.

Swimming tonight so clothing designed for warmth afterwards. Breakfast. Oats. Sultana. 1 Weetabix.

Tube station 8am; tube 8.02am.

Read VW's A Room of One's Own.

Bank - 8.35am. Cheapside. Drizzle. Starbucks, GSWL.

Work 8.50am. Boss and Pete in.

People Project Meeting with team.

Appraisal Meeting with boss. All very professional.
Go for lunch break 12.10

Decide on spur of moment to go to Weightwatchers. Catch up with Kelly. Weigh in 11stones 1 pound. Purchase yet another new pedometer. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Go to Clinton's which was original intent -

Buy cards for Mum & Dad, Dad, Rosa, Lisa and Brother.

Go to Boots for Shapers sandwich.

Return - meeting 1pm with Compliance Officer.

Eat lunch @ desk at 13.45

Update change request document - send to developer.

Discover Raymond Carver. A new writer to bookworm.

Spend afternoon doing EA work.

Get set for swimming. Adjourn from Blog for now.

-----

Swimming! Ah. Bliss. Share the steaming pool with 4 other people. Get my 44 lengths in.

Shower. Dress. Troop to Moorgate.

Tube 1 minute or 8 minute. Get 1 minute. Stand until Bank. Sit remove hat. Big hair. Goggle eyes.

Read VW's 'A Room of One's Own'. Totally absorbed. Women and their place.

Home.

Reply to Shirley's text.

Tea - ryvitas. 'Eastenders'. Soup. 'Delia Smith'.

Wash up. Sort out rubbish and recycling.

Watch 'Hustle'. Sort of. Note Ziggy's new mobile number.

Check Facebook.

Text Mum. Reply to Mum.

Here. Final words for another day. 'Under the Stairs' beckons.

Tomorrow. Tuesday.

Week ahead

You're usually up for the challenges you encounter. However, you'll discover that you're at war with yourself on Monday as Mercury in Capricorn is quincunx Mars retrograde in Leo in your sector of personal power. You don't want to appear to be too ruthless in the way you handle a particular issue, but you do want to achieve your goal. Don't pay attention to rumors or gossip this weekend. On Sunday you'll hear several different versions regarding an incident that took place. Before you rush to judgment, take time to sort through all the various strands of the tale.

Capricorn 22 Dec-19 Jan When office politics and other power struggles become fierce (likely under a Saturn-Pluto mix), sentiment has to be set aside in favour of pragmatism. You wouldn't (hopefully) want to be thought a cold, heartless creature, but unless you survive, you can't help others. Talking of which, while no one needs to nudge a Capricorn about money, Friday's full Moon suggests that you check you have in fact been paid in full.

Your Week Ahead: In the college of human emotion, we are all first-year students. Even the professors are just fellow classmates who have learned the theory but have yet to pass the practical test. The courses don't become more sophisticated as time goes by; they just get more challenging. If, for example, you can handle 'Forgiveness and Tolerance: Year One' (when you're feeling loved and supported), for Year Two, you get to sit the same exam while you are broke and under stress! Seen that way, you're doing brilliantly now. And, er, how else do you want to see it? You are rapidly attaining your honours degree in warm- heartedness. Your Week Ahead Part Two - Love Focus: In the absence of a good enough question, here's a reliable answer. 'Don't'. Don't do it, unless you can come up with a really inspiring reason. If that reason contains so much as a scintilla of fear or if it involves even the remotest iota of anxiety, it is not a true justification, it is a deceptive piece of self-persuasion. Defy it. Ask yourself why you are inclined to ask yourself anything at all. The very fact that you're suspicious of a certain idea suggests that your suspicion is valid. In your emotional life, now, your misgivings are largely misguided. The only doubts you should doubt are the doubts about your own doubts!

Sunday

Fell asleep whilst listening to the Australian Open in Melbourne at midnight and end up listening to it at 6.30am when clock radio goes off. Stay put. It is not a weekday. No tube to catch a seat and journey in.

At 8.30am contemplate options. Stay in bed and listen to Sportsweek on Radio 5. At 9.30am decide to get up and go for walk. Put towels in washing machine. Go.

10am - listen to Archers whilst out. Get to Wimbledon and browse round Waterstones. The books I choose I cannot purchase until 11am so go to Starbucks for a TWSL. Sit on bench and drink it. People watch whilst listening to the end of the Archers.

Back to Waterstone's make purchases.

Purchases include: Virginia Woolf 'A Room of One's Own'; 'The Waves'; Ian McEwan 'Enduring Love'; Jon McGregor 'Even the Dogs'; Belle de Jour 'Belle's Best Bits'.

Continue walk.

Sainsbury for a newspaper.

Home. 11.45 - end of 'Desert Island Discs'.

Hang out washing.

Have a long shower. Then clean shower, sink and toilet.

Epilate legs. Slap on skin cream. Smell delightful.

Breakfast - 1pm - croissants and tea.

Watch 'Casualty' on iPlayer. Then some footie. The Thurs/Fri 'Eastenders' Omnibus. Fat Pat has heart-attack.

3.45pm text to invite friend out for dinner on Tuesday. Invite accepted.

4pm decide to go for another walk. Get to see sunset and sky - first time in ages it is not been grey and miserable.

Sunset is amazing.

5.10pm. Home.

Chop carrots, swede, parsnip and onion. Roast with rosemary and thyme. Add quorn sausages towards end. Watch 'Come Dine with Me'. Make gravy. Serve.

Eat tea.

Wash up.

Eat yogurt.

Make cup of red bush tea.

Type this. Listen to Radio 5.

Two walks. Hope sleep comes and stays.

Saturday

Sleep well until heating comes on and head feels as if shrivelling. Get up and drink 2 pints of water. Have full blown conversation with myself. It's 5.30. Contemplate getting up at 6am and going for walk.

Go back to sleep.

Radio 5 comes on at 6.30am. Listen and snooze. Replay conversations.

9am Danny Baker. Stay in bed until 9.30am. It has not got any lighter since 6.30am. Have shower. Water goes from hot to cold and no reason for it.

Football today so wardrobe about warmth and the colour blue and the letter G. Thermal vest/tights. Jeans.

Various replies received from texts sent last night.

Sort out dirty washing. Place in machine. Go.

Put PC on.

Cook scrambled egg on toast. Eat breakfast. PC Microsoft updates.

Wash up.

Fighting Talk

Hang out washing. Still grey and damp outside.

Consult diaries to work out what menstrual cycle body is supposed to be running on and the actual one. Try not to worry about associated pains either.

At noon do routine leaving house checks and head for tube. Do not read book. Can't. Dip into a notebook from 2006. Amusingly it starts with drunken evening I chipped front tooth. Sentiments for January 2006 mirror those of 2010. Not inspired by lack of difference.

Stockwell. Continue to read through. The final days of the Nelson. Good old days?

Victoria. Queue for train ticket. Very quiet for a Saturday. Get a GSWL from Starbucks. Go outside have a cigarette. Watch as two Big Issue sellers compare notes. London rushes by with wheelie suitcases.

Platform 5 13.10 get on train. Train leaves at 13.22. Drift in and out of sleep. Head/heart numb. Mind dully churning.

Alight at Gillingham at 14.15. Walk to ground. Meet dad. Call him Captain Birdseye. Not amused.

Greet all friends in Block 1 Rows P & Q. Wish them all a Happy New Year.

Gillingham have 3 loanees. Tristan Plummer from Bristol City (a forward), Darren Dennehy from Cardiff City (a defender) and Rene Howe from Pete'boro also a striker. Such is the state of our team all three play. Dad engages in animated conversation with twin Mark and Chris about his mid week trip to Accrington. Today Five Live are at Accrington who play Fulham in 4th round of FA Cup today. Not us. We have Colchester. All 4,995 of us who have turned up at least.

A well earned draw. 0-0. We deserved something but a point is better than none. Train timetable change means an early and quick exit for the 17.15 train back to Victoria. Listen to Spurs v Leeds until Victoria. Tube. Stockwell. 6 min wait for a Morden train. Home - last 20 minutes of Spurs v Leeds. Typical. Another draw.

Turn off TV. Get washing in. Hang in bathroom to air.

Sort tea. Smoked mackerel, cottage cheese and then a soup.

Watch 'Silent Witness' on iPlayer 'Run' - Parts 1 & 2. Consider once more how each person is affected by their parents. Must get a card for my parents who celebrate 40 years of marriage next Sunday. Ruby.

Miss 'Casualty'.

Make cup of red bush tea. Write blog posts for Thursday/Friday and today. Open post dad gave me. Includes a cheque from an account I opened when misty eyed over a Financial Advisor Frazer. Ugh. Oh well. They have closed account. Only took them 12 years to realise I was not putting any money into their ISA account. Make another cup of red bush. Suspect smoked fish has made me thirsty.

Almost time for bed. Dread. Sleep or not?

Friday

Sleep well. Alarm goes at 6am - ignore. Get up at 6.20am.
Shower. More interviews today.
Determined to wear new skirt suit. Damn the distended.
Dawdle round getting ready. Breakfast oats, sultanas and 1 Weetabix.
More mascara than yesterday.
Period has got heavier. Not that it was due.
Tube. Pick up Sport magazine. 7.45 platform busier. Get on second train as first via Charing Cross. Seat. Read Sport. VW too much like hard work this morning. Bank 8.20am. Cheapside. Starbucks, GSWL.
Sit outside and have a cigarette. Pencil skirt rides too high up thighs. Long coat hides all.
Office. Less people in as early today.
Prep for PM Meeting. 9.45am cross for PM Meeting.
11.30 am have meeting with IT Director.
12noon go for lunch at Pret. Egg & Cress sandwich. Cherry yoghurt.
Eat lunch. Swap cardigan for new suit jacket. Arrange so blouse less obviously see through, even with vest underneath it.
12.30 once more await 4 candidates to arrive. 1 on time. 3 no shows and no news. 1 arrives late saying agency said 1pm. So we again have 2.
Again complete job interviews. 12 questions. No right or wrong answers. Give examples. Tests competency to do job.

First - very thorough, introverted.

Second - very extroverted.

Both talk lots. Head starts to rebel after previous evening and lack of proper food.

Interviews complete return to desk. Deal with emails. Fight to stay awake office so stuffy.

4pm Post interview panel for all to compare and contrast.

A potential offeree identified.

Back to desk. Kill time to 5.30. Await boss whom had asked for a beer yesterday.

Get to pub order first round whilst he goes for cash.

Discuss interviews. Current situation with merger.

Finally explain my feelings.

Leave pub at 10.30pm.

Farringdon. Kings Cross. Difficult.

Tube. Home. Chip shop. Chicken pie and chips. Family Guy double bill.

Text friends.

Shuffle to bed. Exhausted.

Thursday

Slept. Awoke abruptly at some very early hour. Wide awake. Brain racing. Then back to sleep.

Up and shower. Today is interview day for potential new members of team so mentally consider wardrobe to look suitably managerial whilst rinsing conditioner and facial mask. Breakfast. Still oats and 1 Weetabix.

Decide on slate grey skirt suit - not one purchase yesterday. Stomach to distended for that pencil shape.

Tube 7.40. Wrestle with VW once more. Listen to Seal on MP3. Bank. 8.10am. Cheapside. Starbucks, GSWL.

Desk.

10am data standards panel meeting.

11.55 pop to Pret for chicken & mushroom soup and an egg & cress salad sandwich.

Eat food at desk. 12.30 cross to other building to wait for 4 candidates. 2 do not turn up. 1 is 10 minutes late. The other nearly 45 minutes late. Proceed with job interview. 12 questions. No right or wrong answers. Give examples. Tests competency to do job.

First interview. Monosyllabic.

Second interview. Same answers to all questions.

Return to desk frustrated at wasted time.

Start once more with EA finance process headlining.

Talk to planetface.

5pm go to other building to see planetface who has belated birthday present for me. A divine blank empty journal. For feelings. Thoughts. Here is where I recount the what I did.

End up staying and trying to articulate current state of mind.

Fail.

Return to office at 6pm.

Girls night out. 3 of us head to Jamie's.

Detox lasts until free sample of Pinot Noir offered. 2 others arrive. Another glass of wine.

Walk to Wagamama's @ Moorgate. Have special kedgeree. Fish is a theme this week.

Eat with wine.

Share stories. Recall past. 9 years ago. Realisation now 37 not 28.

Tube.

Tesco. Detox further ruined by purchase of 10 Marlboro lights.

Home.

Text all 4 girls to make sure they got home ok.

Late night and some alcohol.

Sleep.

Wednesday

I slept badly. At some point I woke and went to the loo but originally it was because I thought I was going to be sick. Was it the red bush tea before sleep OR the week over its BBE date chicken soup? At 4am I thought was at my parents house and the light which shines in my bedroom from the landing was on. I then re-stirred and realised I was in London. Suspect this was premonition that Dad back okay from Accrington.

Woke up on alarm of 6am, been dreaming of Lisa and a random set of v sociable people - got up a bit later after considering the benefits of staying put for another hour. Did not stay put. Shower. Radio Five.

Left house and thought was late - was early - tube station 7.36am

One train came in - too busy - so got on next one.

Read Vol 2 of Virgina Woolf Dairy. Hard work so jumping between text and footnotes.

8.05am Bank station. Escalators.

Walk. Starbucks for coffee - using my vouchers. Arrive at office and fairly swiftly after most of the seniors are in too.. its not even 8.30am yet.

Check email accounts. Prep for meetings. Answer emails. Mini advises me that Rules of Love book was a useful tool for her and spouse over weekend.

10am go to a meeting about data standards and observe as various people share experiences and challenges.

Lunch - is a sandwich affair whilst looking at an intranet solution. Entertainment.

Meet and greet consultant. Faff about trying to get a laptop working for him to use. Give up and let him use mine. Thus end up sitting at a different desk - in turn find myself talking to more people and getting involved where needed.

Book meetings for next week. Arbitrate other issues. Do as instructed by boss.

Run Project meeting for people project.

Update absence sheet. Write shopping list. Check mail. Reply to Camilla who has kindly taken time to reply to my monologue sent this morning. Instruct Dad that yes Brentford is on for me and instruct him to be in London w/e 13th Feb for his 70th b-d. Write this and prep to go home.

Home via Next Cheapside then loop back to Waterloo. Tube. Sainsbury. Check b-d cards - only choice of 2 for 70 yo. Buy milk and other useful food products. Home cook my waiting homemade fish pie. Eat whilst watching Relocation and BTA.

Respond to text from Planetface. Update this entry. Will shortly ferret off to bed, to write diary and of course sleep fitfully to Radio 7.

Tuesday

I slept like a log after a good swim.
Woke up on alarm of 6am, been dreaming of Camilla and a random setting near a stream and at the end of a row of houses. Trellis and plants.

Send Sparky Happy Birthday text.

Shower. Radio Five. Only in my bedroom. Bathroom radio still on silent.
Left house - tube station 7.40am
Train came in got on.
Read Vol 2 of Virgina Woolf Dairy.
8.10am Bank station. Escalators.
Walk. Starbucks for coffee, grande, skinny wet latte, - using my voucher. Arrive at office. Exchange words with Ample and Blade.

Check email accounts.

Chase various people for meetings. Have strategy and management meeting with boss back at Starbucks. Plump for a decaf tall wet skinny latte. Discuss resources. Discuss projects. Avoid anything non work related.

At 11am wander over to other building to meet consultants. Spend next 3 hours talking about reports, cubes and project risks & objectives.

2pm return to desk - photocopy some useful documents - give to consultants.

Go to canteen - eat lunch of salad by myself after a few pleasant words to Sofien and the postie who knows I support Gillingham and who was at swimming last night with his partner.

Notice as I eat lunch and watch Sky Sports News that every time the bottom banner gets to FA Cup news Sky goes to an Ad break. So I do not see any Gillingham team news.

Get a tall tea and chat some more to Sofien.

Back to desk.

Project plan updates.

Home time - change into trackie bottoms and walk via Embankment to Waterloo. Tube. CW. Straight up to Next. Very hot and clammy try on dresses. Spot Sparky has asked me to Tup for drink. Home. Respond to Sparky text and say I'll buy him a beer some other time.

Football on TV. Listen to Radio 5. Accrington 0 - Gills 0 @ HT. Dad keeps texting - does not sound hopeful that we can win.

iPlayer and Delia Smith.

Check web - Gillingham lost. Text disgust and loathing of result to Dad and Mum.

Go to bed with cup of red bush tea.

Monday

New week. Alarm goes off. Did not sleep well at all. Nicotine withdrawal quite severe all night. Muscles and nerves all desperately twinging.

Awake pain not felt. Shower. No radio as did not put clock radio alarm on. No five live until after shower.

Tube - 7.40. Post Sparky's b-d card. Finish 'The Innocent'. Gruesome. Read paper. Bank. 8.10am. Cheapside, grande skinny wet latte from Starbucks. Office 8.30am. No-one there. Peace and quiet. Use only desk lamp. Blade arrives and we have a good pre work chat about cycling and running. Not me - him obviously. Put 'The Innocent' book on boss's desk for him to read. Berlin the theme.

Spend morning dealing with EA things and Conflict things. Early lunch with boss. Have baked spud and beans. Suffering already from too much fish pie yesterday. Tall decaff latte.

Call up agency on Sparky's behalf re their reference request.

Data standards meeting.

Everyone laughing in office. Can't concentrate.

Escape to go swimming. 42 lengths. Busier than last two weeks.

Go to Butchers Hook & Cleaver to catch up with Dan who is back for a brief time in-between his travels. Drink lime & soda. 8.15pm leave them to their beers.

Get home in time to watch end of 'Dear Diary' on Beeb 4 whilst scoffing Veggie Ravioli

Another shower to remove chlorine. Horlicks. Bed. 'The Mighty Boosh'. Ah Bob Fossil you kill me!

Jan 18th

Cheer up....
Today, apparently, is the most depressing day of the year.The combination of no money, rubbish weather, decades until your holidays and an avalanche of bills (did we mention no money?) is making the world a gloomy place.

cf The Lawyer Daily - which was nice!

So it's not just me!!

Meant to

say - cheers chaps/chappesses for listening over the last few weeks - despite in some cases huge distances and time differences!! It's good to talk..! Take care one and all x

Venus enters Aquarius - Feelings take you by surprise.

Week of January 18, 2010: The Sun and Venus leave your sign and move into Aquarius, brightening your financial situation. It's time to reflect on your goals in this area and consider where you want to be in the weeks and months ahead. Both planets move to aspect Saturn later in the week, so you may want to talk to your boss about your earnings or discuss the payment for a project with the relevant person. However, Saturn is now retrograde until May 30, so you may not get what you're hoping for right away. You need to be patient.
------
Capricorn 22 Dec-19 Jan During an unusually intense birthday month you have probably detected the tectonic plates shifting; for you, of all signs, it's a time of major change and readjustment. With last Friday's solar eclipse out of the way, and messenger Mercury in forward gear, a more open, future-orientated six months beckon. Press the "Go" button on all your plans – and if you don't have any, make some big ones pronto.

------

Your Week Ahead: A new Moon in your sign, combined with the influence of Mercury, now moving 'direct' through Capricorn once more, implies that you are now feeling strangely torn. On the one hand, it is becoming possible to do something that you have long wanted to do. On the other, it seems that this cannot happen without a lot of upheaval. Rather than ask whether all this effort is likely to prove worthwhile, ask first whether it is really necessary. New Moons often have a way of amplifying our anxieties. You may well be overlooking a much simpler way to incorporate the fulfilment of your hope into your current situation.
Week Ahead Part Two - Love Focus: Don't make that statement! Don't issue that ultimatum! One hasty move, this week, and you are going to end up sparking off a process that you do not really want to see through to the end. Spontaneous reactions often tend to have a much bigger impact than many of your more carefully planned strategies ever could achieve. When ideas grip you, when emotions overtake you or when invitations tempt you, watch out. A helpful link from Venus to Saturn, on the back of a solar eclipse in your sign, suggests you can have what you want. But to get it, you need to begin by being very clear about what it is that you actually DO want.

Thats me

Thats me

Beer

Erm - this week has seen rather a lot of alcohol consumed. Much of it unplanned too.

Wednesday - meeting and greeting the Americans - ended up having 3 pints of London Pride, plus too many pies.

Thursday night - the anniversary of Sparky's mum's death I bumped into him @ the Internet cafe and went for a beer... 4 pints of Bombardier.

Friday night - out on my 'hot date' with Lisa I drank a bottle of white wine plus a large glass of white wine. To be fair so did she. I did not fall down an escalator. Nor did she. And when the group of 4 lads in their early twenties thought they could chat us up I did not succumb or believe them. Nor did she. Nor when I had moved seats did I lose my Blackberry which had fallen out onto the seat. We did though have a very good chat about men, friends and all the stuff women in their mid 30's talk about. The economy. Public transport and holiday policies. Fun huh!?

Saturday - saved myself with 3 pints of water at 3am. Saved. Way better than head last Saturday am.

So Sunday 17th January - no alcohol. And no ciggies. Detox starts here. Fed up with fall outs, memory black spots and wasted hours in pain. I shall seek social gratification in other forms - already have 2 trips to the theatre lined up for February... bring it on! Opera and ballet - try something new this year... happiness.

Weekend

Saturday - bit of a write off. The grey skies and rain put me off leaving the house. The Gills got thwarted. Boo.
Sunday - sun out - so walk ahoy. Sainso for fish pie ingredients. Finally sorted through the mountain of paperwork that has accrued in various corners. Hoover the flat. Cook fish pie. Shower. Read paper. Have late dinner. Re-do CV. Properly. Wash up. Watch the Bucket List. Blog a bit and then go and read 'The Innocent'.
So another week has passed me by. I have no idea where I fit still. No idea what the joys of Christmas were all about and how they are so easily forgotten. All I want is someone to care - and show that they care about me. Everyday not just when it suits them.

I used to get annoyed when people complained that I did not reply to their text messages. I can say now that I apologise. There are some people you always make an effort to reply too. No matter how brief the response. Communication - its a two way game..

Right with news from the astro world that the world opens up for me tomorrow I'm off to bed. To read and sleep - just in time to get back on the 6am-10pm rat race... oh yeah - I have a choice about that too.

Arse.

I suspect I have been.

New lessons learnt though!

main one 3 beers is the LIMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Worked last night for sure - got home without hesitation, deviation or grumpy-ation!

My head is my own worst enemy.
Or is it?

Arse.

Gosh

After watching 'Dear Diary' on BBC Four Monday pm, I am contemplating the validity of writing a Blog.

Let's face it - a blog is self censored to prevent awkward situations amongst your readership who might also happen to be your peers or working colleagues that you manage, or indeed your family. So I started writing one again. (I kept one for years as a teen and at Uni - they are still at my folks home and cringe - I do!)

One evening has a good few pages on uninhibited ramblings. More so than the pitiful stuff I write here and on my other blog. I do like the feel of a pen creating words - but wonder at the value, as writing a diary is merely to personally benefit from brutal truths but at the expense that only I will ever read it - or refer to it. A blog allows debate.. sort of. Facebook is easier for people to interact with these days. A blog is written by one who has a trace of exhibitionist about them, or a slice of needing to be heard, or just likes writing 'stuff' and can't yet get disciplined enough to write that novel.

I do generate comfort from writing. I find it very exposing to actually talk about how I feel. For me its all thoughts and spoken out loud when I am home alone. My best conversations. Written stuff is the closest I get to exposing my inner thoughts/feelings. But as I started with - its censored. So I have to be more imaginative to say what I want without really saying it. Those who know me well tend to read between the lines...

Those who don't know me well - or think they know me well - find it hard to work me out - but forever try to or think they have... I am but a lone figure in a world of similarly placed people. I can be the life and soul or I can be the dower harbinger of doom in the corner. But what I always crave is security - which I get from staying single or at least independent of thought. Can't be let down then. (daft huh! - prohibitive at best!)

Getting close to anyone

a) raises my expectations which are then thwarted (not intentionally - but because my inability to talk represses communication - so when I need to talk or offer to do so - it should be cherished! or it's a miracle!) and

b) makes me mentally list all the reasons it is wrong and therefore I start a self fulfilling prophecy and begin to erode it straight away.

But recently I thought, I truly thought I had gone beyond that.. thought I could trust my feelings. Trust they were not mine alone. Security did not beckon but security of joint feelings seemed within grasp.

Unless I was duped - or have been a naive fool?! Again! Ah well. Then I am not sure. That depth doesn't just happen. It grows.

So with a new moon or some other astrological thang happening its time to dust down once more and plan my journey. Dance lessons beckon! And more diary writing - to calm my inner nervousness.

Arise Ms F... the future is yours to devour... !

By the way I am reading a really good book at the moment and have plans to acquire Virginia Woolf's diaries which sound right up my street!!!!!!!!!!! She's more manic than me!

I was born to be a crazed writer I am sure - so how on earth did I end up a pseudo manager of something in a law type firm?! No Sunday supplements for me in this career - but another - maybe!!

I also purchased 'The Rules of Love' this week... it has helped me read a neutral voice. And affirm my outlook where appropriate - but I won't be taking it as gospel - just a reference.

Right really must chip.. home and 'Shallowgrave' beckon!

Snow @ CW

By far the most so far

Clouds...

lifted. I think. Well certainly here in the city. Very cold but bright today.

Just returned from presenting a project presentation in the auditorium along with my colleague Lucy... well done to her - and phew. Glad its over!

No footie Saturday as it has been cancelled... Boo.

As for my head. Banged it against a brick wall yesterday and feel slightly less dark. Up to me to keep my focus on stuff and not get bogged down in negative thoughts... which most of the time are not true reflections of things anyway, just my doom laden notions.

Positive Mental.

Anyway birthday drinks tomorrow... mm.

Surplus

Getting myself in utter knots at the minute and I'm sure its for no reason at all - just me thinking and analysing every last action and word and putting 6 and 6 together to come up with 30. I suspect the worse is about to happen and I am going to be crushed.

Had a slightly uncomfortable lunch.

Had an afternoon writing personas.

After work went for a walk before the predicted snow arrives to ruin the London pavements.

Went to the supermarket.. oh my god. Anyone would think the world was about to end... no bread, no eggs, no milk and veg - what was that? The local community have bought up everything. So with this and the possibility of failing gas supplies - could this be the start of riots on the streets of the UK.. minding the ice and treacherous conditions of course? As a population I suspect we have all got too complacent and reliant on our consumerist rights... well -2 degrees and no heat/food will soon make us appreciate some simpler things again. Whilst in said supermarket there was a contretemps at the til and then conversely a couple arm in arm choosing pregnancy testing kits. Life. Do you feel it passes you by?

Thankfully there is a lively game of footie on the radio cos the TV options ce soir are DIRE!

Ugh

What a naff day!

My stars are in part ture and in part way off beam!!!

You could be feeling the push-pull of internal desires versus external demands today, Capricorn. As much as you want to stay in bed today, with covers pulled tight to your chin, the world is clamoring for your attention. Your phone rings off the hook and your e-mail box fills as quickly as you can empty it. Just for today, you wish everyone would go away. Alas, no such luck. Promise yourself that you'll indulge some relaxation once you get home. Hopefully, no one will come pounding on the door!

Anyways - off swimming now!! Clear my bloody over filled head...

January...

Lucky Days: 3, 4, 8, 9, 22
Yucky Days: 5, 6, 20, 21, 27
Fashion Icon: Kate Moss
Colour: Plum
Hang in there, lovely Goat; you’re not completely out of the woods just yet. The eclipse storms are stirring for a few more weeks. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on 15 January affects mainly your relationships—to self and others. But there is a tremendous opportunity for renewal and life-altering shifts in your approach to just about everything. You’ll notice the effects unfolding over the next six months. Although Mercury gets back into phase on the same day as the New Moon, Saturn goes retrograde on 13 January. This could put long-term projects on hold for a bit, but by the same token it can provide the time to see how improvements can be made. If it turns out to be an oddball January filled with a mix of stops and starts, just wait until February to see where all of the chips have fallen. Communication should improve immensely when lucky, expansive Jupiter enters your third house on 17 January. But don’t expect it to be all systems go until the Full Moon on 30 January.
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Your words have a potently persuasive power at the start of 2010; this is a great time to make executive decisions. You'll be able to talk a loved one into an exciting plan around the 5th. The 11th is perfect for asking for a first date or presenting your creative work to the public. You may have to revise some career plans around the 13th, thanks to some last minute firings. A dramatic makeover makes you feel years younger in the days surrounding the 15th; you've never looked or felt better. Opportunities to further your education abound after the 18th; go ahead and take an art class. A raise or better paid job could be awarded to you on or around the 22nd. Don't be afraid to pursue an executive position in the days surrounding the 24th. The 27th forces you to make some important choices about your finances. Don't let a lover talk you into going against your morals on the 29th. A physical relationship reaches a glorious peak on or around the 30th. Be ready to walk away from an oppressive work situation at the end of January.

2010 - stars n shit!

CAPRICORN 22 December-19 January Slow and steady is famously Capricorn's way of climbing the lofty peaks of success that are the Mountain Goat's natural habitat. Abrupt change and uncharted events bring alarm, threatening the Goat's all-important need to feel in control.

Two sets of eclipses across the zodiac's Capricorn-Cancer axis are a clue that you may have to be more adaptable in 2010, a year when your sign is never far from the planetary action. Birthdays between 22 to 27 December may already be feeling the mixture of professional pressures and opportunities that accompany Saturn's attentions, and which are extended to later birthdays come the autumn.

Being your ruling planet, Saturn's demands – prudence, pragmatism, graft – hold few terrors for a Capricorn, though the planet's back and forth motion across the pinnacle of your 'scope this summer are a cue to reassess your career arc, and to ask where you'd like to be in three years' time, when the ringed planet moves on.

In the immediate future, 2010 gets off to a slow but sweet start. A lunar eclipse on New Year's Eve and a solar eclipse on 15 January are both accompanied by Venus, planet of partnership and happy connections, making for bright birthday parties. With Mercury backwards until the 15th (until when little happens quickly) that day's new Moon is the springboard of your year.

At the same time Jupiter shifts sign. The giant planet ("the greater fortune" by tradition) has hopefully helped you maintain money flow in 2009. Now it focuses on commerce, networking, neighbourhood organisations and the power of the printed or spoken word. As Jupiter is allied with technology planet Uranus for most of 2010, consider raising your internet profile or upgrading your software. Those involved in teaching or fashion are promised an expansionist year.

This pair of planets crisscrossing the root of your 'scope from June through August, signal a possible shake-up of domestic arrangements, or a glimpse of how you might rearrange them in 2011. As another pair of eclipses arrive on 26 June and 11 July, summer finds change in the air. If you're not busy with bucket and spade on an idyllic beach, August is a potent month for relaunching your professional life, ready for the sterner terrain of the autumn. If you were born December '80 or January '81, autumn's "Saturn Return" is the time to gain promotion… or change career.

Finances – especially those involving outstanding debts, inheritances and the like – threaten to drag until Mars' resumes forward motion in early March. The same time-frame applies to a rocky relationship, and if you want to dump an outworn partnership those eclipses are all in accord.


Cap Now that the Pluto metamorphosis is deeply in process, you’re getting used to having your world rocked every few days by earth-shattering events. In fact when things become too status quo, you start to get nervous. During 2010, the themes of integrity and perseverance continue to dominate your personal philosophy. The weeding out of all that doesn’t align with your highest truth is an ongoing process– it goes on for the next thirteen years. Wasting time on the inauthentic is a painful relic of 2009—in fact, wasting time at all is something you must refuse to ever let happen again. Every second is precious in order to fulfill your monumental mission in life, Capricorn.
Love:
Profound gains and losses apply to all areas of your life during Pluto’s long-term excavation process—but especially love. In any case, you can expect to have your heart forced wide open. Your deepest lessons come during the months of April through September when Pluto is out of phase in Capricorn. This gives you the necessary time to reflect on everything you’ve experienced during the first quarter of the year. This is when to take your relationships and your love to the next level.
Career and Money:
With your ruler Saturn in exalted status sitting pretty at the zenith of your horoscope, the world is your oyster darling. 2010 begins with major eclipse action hitting your constellation, ensuring that change is monumental, especially in the career department. What Capricorn wants, Capricorn manifests—and with no shortage of hard work. With Pluto and Saturn, the two heavy planetary weights on your side, anything is possible now. An extra bonus: you’re finally able to wed your creative vision with your innate discipline in 2010.
Friendship:
With the immense amount of hard work, who has time to play? Well Capricorn, the planetary forces insist that you change that tune and get more balance in your life. This requires revamping your social life and reviving sinking friendships. You’ll have to be the one to reach out and rekindle your connections. As with everything in your world for 2010, friendships old and new will have a fated quality to them. Take nothing lightly this year, including acquaintances close and distant.
Health:
Expect extremes in health from robust vitality to total energetic blowouts. Again the operative theme is balance. Strike that elusive equilibrium between work and leisure instead of burning the Capricorn candle at both ends (and then some). This will ensure that you stay on the right track. Pay special attention to the needs of your immune system when Pluto is out of phase between April and September. And most importantly stop beating yourself up—do it for your health.

Ah...

Oops. The Crown Ground (Accrington) Saturday 2nd Jan.. hence no game! Nice!

HS1

So this festive season has seen me darting up and down to Kent like a yo-yo! But not for me the usual route to and from Victoria. Nope due to weather and destinations required I have been lucky to experience the High Speed Link to and from St Pancras International. Affectionately known as HS1 or HighSpeed 1 it serves Kent and is designed to making getting to London easier for our overseas travellers.

I do though await for news of High Speed 2!

So what do you get? Well for me a lowly traveller from Sittingbourne I get a few more options of a way into London. However from Teynham I am restricted to one service to London Vic an hour. HS1 is more expensive. You pay for the high speed bit... which is basically from Gravesend to St Pancras International. A trip of now 15 minutes. The rest of the journey is much as before - Rainham, Gillingham (mighty Gillingham), Chatham, Rochester, but here's the split - Strood, Gravesend, Ebbsfleet International, (where you can change for Brussels and Paris which makes me smile) Stratford International and St Pancras International. The trains though are new, clean and the staff seem happier. Everytime I've been on it its been a treat. I especially loved last weekend coming out from under the Thames and there was the St Elizabeth Crossing - and a completely new view of London from the train. New Years Day on the way to Kent seeing the lowest reddy orange moon hanging huge in the sky. Magical. This morning the actual speed made my neck hairs stand on end. I am in England whooshing through it ... on the other hand my proud Kent roots make me wonder if the great scars we have inflicted across the county are worth it - when as a local commuter my train service dwindles to one an hour.

So why this blog? Well it dawned on me today as I got off and walked to the ticket barrier - there are several reasons to be nostalgic when at St Pancras. It was the station I came in and out of for Leicester when I was up there for University. The place where I met what I naively thought was going to be my first and only love all those years ago. If I stand still enough I can see me nervous, immature and bouncing around the station trying to find him. Little knowing what pain he would put me through and how much it would make me the way I am today. Back then the platform was at ground level and a wind used to howl through the archway at the front - where now they are renovating the building to be a hotel/flats.

Liaisons at St Pancras have been numerous. More so than any other station in fact. Somehow though Victoria is really my main way in and out of London to Kent - it has rarely seen many admirers. Obvious it's where I met Lovegod for our first meeting and footie game together. A fellow Gills fan and the start of a hair raising mad 6 months with a younger man! Ha ha. That just seems like an age ago. Yet just a mo ago when Groovejet's Spiller (If this ain't love) mix came on my MP3 I had a flash back and smiled. Why are the Gills so good Hugo?? Gillingham shirts were the rage then too! And perhaps Dr Marc. We met at Victoria. Once. To say good bye I seem to recall. But St Pancras. Well that has oft been the start of many a fun train journey back to Leicester, or walk or car ride across town. And now with it's raised platform and extended station concourse you can see across to Kings Cross. To the dreams of engineers past and present. You can float to the tube. You can meet people away from the howl of that archway. You can look for Sparky's initials carved in the walls and check out the lighting. You can even have a free pee.

You can meet the most important person of you life and take it from there. Highspeed or otherwise.

I bet

Manchester United wish they had drawn us in the FA cup 3rd round today afterall!!!!!!!! Though I find it hard to congratulate Leeds - it certainly creates some League One interest...

37...

Yup so yesterday was my birthday. People who know me well are aware that I tend to keep myself to myself and spend the day by myself. The normal routine is a walk, a treat of a doughnut and then a cinema excursion. This year however my beloved Gills were in the 3rd Round of the FA Cup and due to play a less than glam away tie at Accrington Stanley ('who are they?' I swear if I hear that quoted once more I will go even more loopy!). After much confusion as to my desire to go my Pater bought the ticket and we were signed up for the supporters coach. And yes it was a coach and not a mini-bus. In fact there were 2 lots of 53 seaters leaving Medway and trooping up north. So at 5.30am on my birthday I was awake and getting my many layers ready. Somehow my Dad had agreed to steward on the coach trip. This broadly means collecting travelling fans coach money and dispensing with teas n coffees on way back. It also meant I got to sit at front with Pops. It also meant most people also then found out it was my birthday... Joy.

I was very lucky to get a lovely card from my miles away brother and also from the folks - and rather fittingly my Gillingham 1970's retro shirt! Just what you need on a cold January morning for footie...

So armed with new shirt, rolls and I'm sure a well full hip flask off we set... Frosty roads and a chill in the air. The coach arrived at 6.45am and by 7am we were on the road. Pick ups along the way and then as we got to Gillingham the increasing sense that a pitch inspection at 10am was gonna say match off. Hey ho. So Pops collects money. We reach Watford Gap and wait til 10.15am to hear the outcome. Sure enough we are returning to Gillingham. So Pops then has to dish out a refund. And before you know it we are back in Kent. By now my mood is slightly distracted. I have not got to see any footie, but at least my team are still in the draw and more importantly we are all back in one piece. The reason for distraction.. the feeling I'd upset someone enough for them to not text me on my birthday. The sense I was losing grip again. So once home Ma and I went for a hour and half stomp. The countryside quiet and beautifully tinted by the winter sunlight. The birds all singing along the way. The walk helped clear my head. Tea at the folks - steak and kidney pie. Scrummy! Feature length Casualty - I mean how good can it get!!! Then bed.

So there it goes. Another birthday. A slight tinge of regret that I let my distraction take over my day. I did though get some tops messages for various people - so thank you Stu, Lisa, Baggy, Lord RDM, the Actor for a late night phonecall (!), Lucy, Jayne, Paul, Ziggy, Sparky, Mini, Shirley and of course Mum and Dad who put up with me no matter what. Ta.