Gosh

After watching 'Dear Diary' on BBC Four Monday pm, I am contemplating the validity of writing a Blog.

Let's face it - a blog is self censored to prevent awkward situations amongst your readership who might also happen to be your peers or working colleagues that you manage, or indeed your family. So I started writing one again. (I kept one for years as a teen and at Uni - they are still at my folks home and cringe - I do!)

One evening has a good few pages on uninhibited ramblings. More so than the pitiful stuff I write here and on my other blog. I do like the feel of a pen creating words - but wonder at the value, as writing a diary is merely to personally benefit from brutal truths but at the expense that only I will ever read it - or refer to it. A blog allows debate.. sort of. Facebook is easier for people to interact with these days. A blog is written by one who has a trace of exhibitionist about them, or a slice of needing to be heard, or just likes writing 'stuff' and can't yet get disciplined enough to write that novel.

I do generate comfort from writing. I find it very exposing to actually talk about how I feel. For me its all thoughts and spoken out loud when I am home alone. My best conversations. Written stuff is the closest I get to exposing my inner thoughts/feelings. But as I started with - its censored. So I have to be more imaginative to say what I want without really saying it. Those who know me well tend to read between the lines...

Those who don't know me well - or think they know me well - find it hard to work me out - but forever try to or think they have... I am but a lone figure in a world of similarly placed people. I can be the life and soul or I can be the dower harbinger of doom in the corner. But what I always crave is security - which I get from staying single or at least independent of thought. Can't be let down then. (daft huh! - prohibitive at best!)

Getting close to anyone

a) raises my expectations which are then thwarted (not intentionally - but because my inability to talk represses communication - so when I need to talk or offer to do so - it should be cherished! or it's a miracle!) and

b) makes me mentally list all the reasons it is wrong and therefore I start a self fulfilling prophecy and begin to erode it straight away.

But recently I thought, I truly thought I had gone beyond that.. thought I could trust my feelings. Trust they were not mine alone. Security did not beckon but security of joint feelings seemed within grasp.

Unless I was duped - or have been a naive fool?! Again! Ah well. Then I am not sure. That depth doesn't just happen. It grows.

So with a new moon or some other astrological thang happening its time to dust down once more and plan my journey. Dance lessons beckon! And more diary writing - to calm my inner nervousness.

Arise Ms F... the future is yours to devour... !

By the way I am reading a really good book at the moment and have plans to acquire Virginia Woolf's diaries which sound right up my street!!!!!!!!!!! She's more manic than me!

I was born to be a crazed writer I am sure - so how on earth did I end up a pseudo manager of something in a law type firm?! No Sunday supplements for me in this career - but another - maybe!!

I also purchased 'The Rules of Love' this week... it has helped me read a neutral voice. And affirm my outlook where appropriate - but I won't be taking it as gospel - just a reference.

Right really must chip.. home and 'Shallowgrave' beckon!