Someone

asked me today what my news was for the week/end... I found I had little to say. It mirrored a similar 'lacking in conversation' conversation I had had (or not had if you wish to be more accurate) with my Mum on Sunday on the phone. I truly felt I had nothing of worth to say. Or share.

SO what has been happening? I guess I have been looking inwards to see if I can find the will power/strength I need to sort myself out. I already know its not going to be a quick transformation. I am asking myself who I am - as opposed to how do people see me? Too long a 'nice to have' in many people's life. Never quite nice enough though to have for longer than is needed. And with that realisation that relying on a n other is perhaps foolhardy I have to work out what I want for me. For the next 5-10years.

SO I have joined the gym - had my first session today - and yes it felt great afterwards. A natural high - I had surpassed my expectations and managed all the equipment really well. I even had an unexpected flair on the rowing machine. So walking and no fags for 7 months stood me in good stead. I was asked why join now? Well there are two reasons - I was feeling fat/insignificant/unhappy with myself so some toning and new challenges would help my spirits. Next mountain to conquer (oh yes as a goat i need mountains to climb. Proved I can walk everyday so what's next?!). And then I was thinking there are few benefits here so lets make the best of the ones that do exist. Plus it will complement my walking and give me options. Crikey I used to hate sport and gym at school so even going was a huge step! At least now I have some exercises I can do with my balance ball at home too.

Next - check out that prospectus and get on a course. Get brain cells above the pits they have sunk too.

Personally it has been an odd week whereby several influences/male acquaintances have all ended up in Kent. Those that were not there already. Sparky has entered the Medway towns for a 5 week stint of living and working there, whilst The Actor has returned and is in Tonbridge and back in touch. Lisa is settling well in Tunbridge Wells. Several other textie friends are also in the Borough of Kent.

My roots are all back in Kent and somewhere the school bell rings the end of the summer holidays for the footballing world. I have not been to Kent for weeks. Now it seems I may be back with a vengeance. I have been toying with the notion that my darkest days and crisis of confidence were brought about the Gills relegation and the sudden loss of weekend entertainment. I was so enthused before the end of the season with solo trips away etc. It was keeping me confident and stimulating my brain. (Next year I am gonna book my hols for June/July to stave off the doldrums).

Now I have mentally forgotten about football and indeed any optimism I had has been shredded by poor friendly results and a lack of decisive summer signings. Once more my season does not bode success - though it should... we should aspire to go back up. Ask me how I feel in a month's time etc etc. But the intriguing thing is the sudden interest people have in joining me to go to a game... to get back to grass roots and my reaction to it. At first I was excited by this. Then I decided it was an invasion of what makes me - me. My support/security through thick and thin has been my relentless passion and commitment to Saturday's at footie. I am slowly realising that maybe sharing this would not be so bad.. might even be a turning point for me. I am pig headed about going. It rules my life if I am honest. Perhaps by extending it to new faces I can reassess its importance. Who knows - but its worth exploring over the next few months... again watch this space! It will also keep me on my toes!

Other news? My Mandate proceeds. I keep getting stuck with the key decisions so am trying to break it into manageable pieces. And that does not mean avoid things. Just work out the way forward.

And then I try to recall when I last laughed. It may have been a pub jaunt last year when my brother was over, all the key people were around me. Beers and laughter.
And then I try to recall when I last properly relaxed and laughed - the last time I was me. Not angry. Not sad. Just confident with everything to give and nothing to lose. When did it all get so intense and life n death? It's not really, compared to most my life is good but I have lost my sparkle. I want it back and I may have to break a few rules to get it... stop worrying about the consequences and live for the moment.

I had something of a major realisation moment Friday 25th. It's not anger I feel - that's just the safest emotion to show/express. It's a sense of loss and regret. My feelings haven't changed deep down. And that's what I am fighting - the right thing vs the things I feel.

But today felt more like a step in the right direction... best walk before I can run tho!