Been very under the weather - physically and mentally i fear. Funny how it coincided with SN saying he didn't want to see, or rather, he couldn't see me in the near future because he was too busy -- oh yes and happy being single... so what the previous 3 months were about I know not. How do you get that open with someone and then shut the door in their face. I would like to say i was upset - but the sad truth is I am so used to never 'winning' that I am hardly surprised. I am though really missing our text messages and emails. It was all over before it began and the parts that did happen were too wonderfully brilliant to even imagine that that would be the case. I feel cheated. I confessed to my friends 'parts' of the evenings we had seen each other - the interesting twist - and you know i feel kinda of liberated as I did at the time. just now very confused. Anyway he now has a working PC again and his Live Journal is a platform for him to rack up as many responses as possible. I guess in his Top 10 i come about 25. I don't suppose I will ever know the truth behind the guy. Maybe I should have stuck with my initial gut instinct. Then again i would have missed out on a truly entertaining chapter in my many volumes. plus i really did like him - i enjoyed taking the risk and going to meet him. i wonder how long it is before he contacts me again...
So two weeks of feeling full of cold, mouth ulcers, coughing like a 90 year old and generally feeling sorry for myself. Today I felt better than I have for a long while - and maybe as my strength returns I lose a certain quality that makes me seem vulnerable. I have seen more of G over the past few weeks than is right. My friend says he is worming his way back into my life - but the truth is i have been feeling so lonely - just having someone to give me a hug and check i am actually still breathing has been a comfort. bit like a trusted pair of slippers. to the point that last weekend at my lowest ebb i nearly decided to give in - go back with him and have the security of someone in my life. who knows even become a Mrs and have kids. i didn't utter these words but i fear it has stirred all sorts of feelings up on each side. we met last night for a pre Xmas; pre him returns to Oz drink and it started off ok but then it just turned - it was all the things i recalled from earlier in the year. the same wayward looks, not listening to what i had said, repeated stories. Having seen it all before i started to become suspicious. Ultimately its not my responsiility anymore so why i get so wound up about it I don't know. Maybe its because I am too loyal and I to make me feel less awkward I need to know he is ok. Until last night i truly thought he was. there is nothing worse than knowing someone is about to fly to other side of the world and the laast time you saw each other it was awkward. grr.
so whilst ill - i had a day off work. slept. day time TV a no no - listened to Radio. Slept.
since i last wrote I have bought a DVD player and my team have won again. I missed it though as i was too ill to leave the house. 3-0 thriller and I missed it. have forgone Bournemouth this Saturday in favour of shopping with Mum.
work is very quiet and this isn't helping my demeanour. an un busy mind creates mayhem... careless words/emails so i have been swaying between being popular with some people and possibly gobby and unpleasant by others. i also realised today how out of practice i am when it comes to actual client meetings... i get tongue tied and start to recoil. hell knows why - just as i say lack of practice at the moment. face it i have out grown my job. i need to move on and preferably out.. watch this space - my road to Sydney starts here......
in other news the office is on a tag team rota to visit New York at the moment.
Christmas cards received so far = 3
Christmas cards sent so far = 3 (yes got goodies in post in time to reach Australia!)
Christmas cards written thus far = 22
I have however been incredibly festive and purchased some sparkling lights - which have done wonders for my flat and also some festive fridge magnets. tomorrow is the Carol Service so I think I will make the effort, go sing and try to be reminded why everyone is looking so fluster/drunk/broke/tired....
Have been checking Yahoo! Personals and Love at Lycos again... mmm. Needle? Haystack? Perhaps I should heed advice - stop looking it will find you. Then again same job for 5 years... same part of town for 5 years... what changes? ! Where does the new find you ?
Some good news - pay day tomorrow!!!! oh dear!!!
anyway - to SN - glad to see you back in Cyber Space... to G - i'm sorry.
to everyone else - keep smiling and remember life is not a perfume commercial!!!
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