Not if but when?

I am in the throes of writing my personal life change mandate. Call it Project Bring Back the Sparkle..

Several distinct strands... for each there is a long pro and con list but the action of review and goal setting is what I need. Some fresh targets, some fresh pastures. New challenges. I have become overshadowed or swallowed by my routine and I need to create a chink so I can forge ahead.

Last weekend and during my trip to Paris with my Mum, I treated her abysmally. I was rude. Pig headed. Silent. Hard. Cruel. I was protecting myself in a shell of self loathing. I felt I had nothing worth saying. So I said nothing. I made her uncomfortable and feel like shite.

Last Sunday before my Mum left I did relent. I still can't say what's hurting me so much, be it the world around me seeming better than mine, people I know being happier more settled than I, or the feeling of emptiness and usedness I feel, or the never ending regret that my bro is half a world away, or the fact that I feel I have underachieved and got so little to show for my life, but my Mum made the very real note that I was a very angry person and that I had been terrible to her. She also observed that I had stopped loving myself and was hurting all those around me. (we are too alike). I asked why she hadn't slapped me for it - made me face my behaviour. She cried. I felt toughening and pity and then I hated myself even more. She was right. I hate myself and I am currently taking that out on others. Especially those who I think care too much. I don't feel worth it. My week has been fraught. I have made my mum cry and I have maintained an air of resistance. I have tried to redefine some of my lines too. Been overly frank with people. My self destruction not quite complete. Just need to create a sense of space around me.

Consequently I feel less angry this weekend.

I have walked. I have tried to eat well. My anger this weekend smothered but it has been bubbling under the surface.

I have also taken a few tentative steps towards re-liking myself.

Some research, some ideas.

I have a long list and I need to be realistic and somehow re-grow my sense of self worth and purpose.

I am not proud of myself and I should be less intense about the world. But this is me and as another year rolls by I have to know that I didn't stay staring at the rut walls that I have seen before me now for the last year...or so.

So expect holidays, courses, weird and wonderful stories or expect nothing and be richly rewarded.

Have a good week all.