S.O.S

You might have noticed I am not writing much at the moment. I can't.

I am numb.

I thought the heart was a sturdy muscle. And yes its still pumping blood around my carcass. But all sense of emotion has dimmed. My humour has deserted me. I have admitted a crisis of confidence but instead of pulling myself out of it I am sinking.

I am contemplating professional help. To talk to someone who won't judge me or try and push me in a specific direction. Who won't look at me with pity. I need to feel comfortable with myself again so I can make the changes in my life that I know I must make - in order to save my soul.

I am though grateful to those around me who are keeping patient with me. I suspect if any one of you poked hard enough I would explode in one way or the other. But for now I am holding on. Just. I am not sharing because I suspect the answers are inside me.

Just spent 3 hours playing computer games. No TV. No food. No walk.

Now I am going to hide in dreams. Life feels better there.