that I have to confess I have lost the knack to 'want' somebody. In my twenties it all seemed so simple. To lust and dream of blokes. To imagine ways of seducing them. To sleep with them in your head - first thought in morning, last thought at night. To go out with them and go with the flow.
I fear that thing called 'desire' has all but been kicked out of me. Sure I dream of passionate moments and steamy encounters. But actually doing anything about it... I can't. I freeze. I run through all the consequences and retreat. The spark extinguished. Even just touching someone on the arm or knee. I just don't. There were two occasions today, both of which I ran through in my head. But neither of which I even came close to acting on. Or believed worthwhile of trying.
I wonder if I have any urges left. Has the road become so single laned that I can't face a dual carriageway? Has my need for other things like trust and mutual respect become more important? Maybe I am too self sufficient and 'scary'. Maybe I know my own mind too well.
Yet, I know I have so much to give. Already give.
Not sure where this came from. Well I do know. Past and present all in one day. Never go back maybe? I have vivid recollections - wish I had been less sensible back then. Made a few more mistakes. To fail in somethings is at least a way of knowing you tried. To keep feelings inside for fear of unleashing more anguish. Is that really so sensible?
It is with a heavy heart I approach the weekend...
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