A week

with nothing to say?

Seems unlikely, yet for whatever reason I have lacked the inspiration or indeed enthusiasm to write a bean.

Today I at least managed to get up in time to go to the doctors at 9.30am. Grasped the day and went to do my grocery shop straight after. Missing the lethally wet showers.

Bank Holidays. Weekends. Days off. The problem when you place too much emphasis on your place of work is that the minute it stops you find yourself lost. It has been good to take a step back from the day to day. I have especially appreciated the fact of NOT having to battle on the tube. Not having to worry about my attire. About booking meeting rooms, organising an unenthused team, juggling projects which feel as if they are never going to end. The problem with having none of these to worry about is that instead you worry about everything else. Life. Where it is at. Where it should be.

I confess I have been feeling low. Out of sight. Yesterday I made a conscious effort to get off my butt and go for a walk. I ended up in HMV. I ended up buying cd versions of tapes and vinyl which I haven't had access to for years. I filled the rest of the afternoon/evening listening to the Wonder Stuff, the Cure, the Wedding Present and taking myself back to the sixth form and the days when the future lay before me. Whether I ever knew where I would be when I was 33 I doubt. But I am not sure I envisaged this.

My flat is suffering severe damp. Every room has an odd smell. Even my pillows are beginning to have 'that' hue.

'Put pay to what you say, put your money where your mouth is...'

So what have I learnt about myself?

I need to keep busy to keep vaguely happy - yet if I push too hard I end up feeling tired and all wound up. Maybe that's why for the last few days my teeth have been aching, my head aching and every morning when I wake there's a pain in my neck and down the side of my face. The joys of belated stress. I can also bet that come Thursday these aches and pains will have gone again. The vicious circle. And all the time I feel under par I really can't be bothered with anything. Dating, new people, old people etc etc. I long to be alone and when I am I scare everyone off and end up feeling isolated and forgotten. I am my own worst enemy. I have prayed for ex to call me. Almost willed him to visit. But I guess he knows me better than I know myself. So a week after my emotional weakening a solitary text message and a responding call I am no nearer working that one out. It was not helped by watchng 'Legends of the Fall' on Sunday night. My god Brad Pitt with long hair - totally swoonsome...oh yeah and the character - eeriely similar.


I suspect I need a new challenge. I suspect I need to get to the end of October and reassess everything.