Hormones n Hugs

This morning when bumping into my ex I had this overwhelming desire to call in sick and slope off home with him. As it was I asked him meekly for a hug. And so it came. He didn't even hesitate. As my chin rested on his shoulder the familiar smells hit me. The sturdy frame and unwashed hair. I wanted to lean into him like that for eternity. It only lasted a few seconds but as we pulled apart my eyes filled up and I just wanted to cry.

I haven't felt this way about him for months. Whether this match making business is stirring with my confidence or whether its that time of the month when I am at my most vulnerable I don't know. In any event I composed myself and went to work, but my mind wasn't really there and my legs and back ached all day long.

I just needed to grab that pebble, those perfect moments that me and ex shared and have it all again. The purest moments which surprisingly were always the least extravagant ones. The afternoons on the sofa watching TV. The evenings when he would already be home and waiting for me - the way his eyes lit up when I got in. The true moments between us. The cup of tea he'd bring before leaving. The kiss I always got before he went to work. The sober moments when I know he was showing me his deepest sides.

The moments before the anguish and the shouting and the stubbornness we both had towards each other's requests. The sobriety before the drunkeness. The privacy between the two of us before his mates phoned or the rugby started.

I never wanted great displays of affection. Not yearned for houses or cars or expensive material items. Just someone to share things with. Someone to talk to - with - to be open and honest with. To be with someone who listened. And cared regardless. We stopped listening and talking to each other. We both pulled our separate ways until it snapped. Our differences became a gulf between us. The crazy thing really was that he always said it would. But I was smitten - my first love. And I made it work cos I believed it would. Eventually he felt the same way - and it was marked by a trip to Ireland, and then a wedding reception, and a memorable trip to Folkestone. We got home that weekend and both looked at each other when we got back knowing how great it was to be back in our home again together. But this moment was brief. I started to get less patient. I was crabby at work. I started smoking again. He got more comfortable and took more for granted. I got more miserable and became a hermit. Then I got angry. And the cracks became a gulf.

I don't hate him - I never will, though there are many of my friends who would say I should. But I'm not like that. I still care about him and in my own pathetic way miss parts of his character which I so admired. This morning was about holding the man I originally fell in love with, for those times before expectations were set too high and we were still learning about each other, and understanding that for all my good and precious memories there are several less pleasant ones. But life is short and I want to just share how important good memories are. He made me strong but perhaps for all the wrong reasons. Today I needed not to be strong and just for once to give him the pleasure of being the strong one.

Do we hurt the ones we love because we know they will always be there for us? Do we fall out of love just because we think there is something better over the horizon? What is love anyway? What's love got to do with it?

I needed a hug and of all the people currently in my life a hug from him fitted the bill perfectly. The lesson - hug the ones you love. It's a small gesture but it can make such a huge difference.