Paranoid and Grumpy...

... I will be back to complete this - but right now I am worried that I have two heads and a forehead which says MUG.... (ok TWO foreheads...)

back... some 12 hours later...
why is it some mornings you wake up and feel moderately ok but by the time you have reached work you wonder why you made the effort?
I was up early. I was on time. Then I got lost choosing a book to take as I knew the current read had nearly run its course. The Hip Hop Line was delayed. So before I know it I am now running late. When I do finish my book this morning (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Hunter S Thompson) I put my book in my bag and look up for the first time. It seemed that all fellow passengers were staring at me. I wonder if I have something inclement on my face. I know I haven't burped or passed wind. I cleaned my teeth - so no spinach tucked in them (mind you I rarely eat spinach for breakfast). I had straightened hair and even made the effort to put mascara on. No blotches. SO why are these people looking. I know the tube is a confined space but it sets up a routine that haunts me all the way to work as I walk along Cheapside. Looks. Stares. Some inconsequential. Some blatant.

Having spent a few days in and around my immediate homely space I am a bit out of practice with the wide world - but the sense of loathing I now feel mirrors the book I have just completed. I suppose if I was the type to see the glass half full I could be really modest and say I was being revered. I just assume the worst and think they are looking with distain. The ones who smirk are worst. Do I assume nothing and be thankful that in a city of 8 million I have been noticed? Or do I cower away and hide. Put a bag over my head. Assume assume. Nothing.

Perhaps my paranoia has been driven by lack of contact with chums et al. Maybe it has been sparked by the suggestion that whilst on my up and coming course I hold up a mirror to myself and see myself as others see me. Not sure I like it. Not sure I really understand how people do see me. I am very aware of my faults. My perceived snootiness. I am aloof - I use coolness to hide total lack of confidence. I listen to assess as opposed to diving in. You learn more by quiet observation and subtle attention. Then again sometimes my body language/facial expressions give me away.

Maybe today I 'got out of bed the wrong side', so today I did not love myself enough. Then I reach another spiral. Who the hell does love me?

Who do I love?

Maybe the impending year since I split up with a.n. other is creating mental mayhem. But I know I did the right thing. No doubts there. Just unsure what I have accomplished since. I need the course to shake me out of my rut. To prove to myself I can meet new people. I can be my quirky, steadfastedly opinionated self and still make people laugh. With me - not at me. Also to confirm that I can do my job. And better than anyone else.

This mirror better not get dropped. Not sure I can cope with 7 years bad luck.

Anyway other tit bits. Fed up with people who leave the labels on the soles of their shoes. Likewise people who think they can read the paper/a book and walk at the same time. Trust me people you can, but never in a straight line and certainly not at any pace.

Oh yes and yesterday the Labour party rang me. Tony is in Merton tomorrow. I was invited to come along and meet him......

In other news - I have a list of things to do - people to ring. See. Contact. I have a passport to renew. A flight to book. A weeding (SIC) oops I mean wedding outfit to buy. Hotels to book. Season ticket to renew. Train journey to Horsham to plan. Magazine subscription to cancel. Smoking to quit. Haircut to book. Novel to write. Defo friends to call. Defo. Exercise class to join. I think once I start working on the list I will feel more empowered. And happier with myself and therefore content and not so paranoid about the looks. And hopefully my bouncy cheery self! The glass is half full remember. I have much to be grateful for. (please folks can you make sure I knock a few of these off the list)

And my one piece of advice - do not watch a 'life of grime' if you are of a weak constitution...just what one needs after a surprisingly pleasant dinner with a mate and a need to unwind for half an hour before hitting the hay... Summer time and the Beeb are struggling! Mice. Maggots. Pigeon poo. Nice!!

Rambles through my mind complete for now. Feel happier than I did earlier today. More at ease once more. That glass of red must have helped a treat. Or perhaps the 8 mile walk I managed to accumulate today cleared the old noggin... healthy body - healthy mind. Right time for bed and sweet dreams... got to find the right side to get out of tomorrow though!