Turned

off my phone and only came to PC after 9pm. Been sleeping lots today. Restoring some balance perhaps. Been reading some interesting books too. And also made a dent in my journal. Actual writing. For only the second time this year.

Watched the MotoGP and had a variety of emotions throughout. Then watched the rest of the Sheff Wed/Palace game and once it finished I spotted the rain had eased so went for a stomp. To keep head and heart healthy.

Home. Come Dine with Me. Doctor Who and then here.

Here to retrace some steps and ultimately discover that I had made a mistake. But it got a reaction. Curious.

Warhol on TV at the moment.

Do you know it rained pretty much all morning and into the afternoon. Grey and dank. And the wind, yuk. Like winter was returning.

Yesterday was all a bit manic. Up early fro work. Work. The a mad dash to Kings Cross. There were no buses or tubes so a very brisk walk was needed. It was blazing hot in London and bright. In Kent it was grey and cool. The game was pretty good - we won - which is a minor miracle. But Tranmere beat Millwall so we are still not safe. It had a deeper sadness as the final walk round for the season took place. No more football until August now. A summer of weekends with no predefined purpose await me. The book I have been dipping into is helping me to draw together an agenda of ideas. Things to do etc. First up - install Office and sort out CV. Book that proper holiday - the one where I go away with a group of strangers but see fabulous things. A friend wants to do the 3 peaks challenge.. I am tempted. It appeals to me. I have also said I'd go see Camilla in May.

Football in one way keeps me sane and gives me a social life - but in other ways keeps me excluded from other forms of social life or interaction. When others are doing x I am off wherever the Gills are - and sometimes that brings with it a very positive spin off - catching up with friends across the country. More often than not it means my weekends are short and that the Saturday evening out is practically unknown. Though I did go for a beer and dance last night. That did not end so well. I mean dancing in MBT's is quite dangerous!

So today has been solitary. A state which I was comfortable with in February/March. Have I changed that much cos of recent events? Why does being on my own suddenly freak me out? And does it really - or am I just not understanding that I am hurting and therefore need to learn once more to be more myself to heal again. I can't afford to spend every night in the pub escaping with a pint and the company of others. This last week I have done that every night bar two. (Monday - swimming/Thursday - walking) The rest of the week craving noise and distraction. It worked. And then it didn't. That too has consequences. On the whole it was fun though but was only a plaster to cover what I was feeling underneath.

Today has been OK despite the weather. I have let my brain come down a gear or two. Ceased my fretting. Just relaxed a bit. Let those thoughts that want to enter my head. Enjoyed the thought and perhaps allowed a little hope to twinkle still. I can't make the mistake of bottling it and moving on in a cold hearted/pig headed way as per usual. I have to try and face it. A conversation to finalise it would help me immensely - but I may have to get used to the fact that that is not going to happen. I am sad. Don't run from it - face it and grow.

Sleep is good too.

Bank Holiday Monday. Mm. I have plans for some shopping - food. And perhaps to buy a suit which fits. I wore my new dress to work on Friday and felt good - my friend said it looked really amazing. A huge boost. It was a tad short but it fitted a treat. And bearing in mind the scene I had to face on the doorstep of work Friday am - I was glad to have dressed as if the day was important. Grr. It was. The day before merge. Which happened yesterday, and now I work for Hogan Lovells. New firm - same seat!

But tomorrow is a Monday that I don't need to get up and go to work. That has to be a bonus. And sun is predicted though not warmth! Hey ho.