Bank Holiday Monday

Why is this day so slow?

I got up and went to Sainsburys at 9.30am. Returned. Hung out washing. Went back out for a 1 and a half hour stomp. Via Homebase for some petunias. Starbucks. The queue was long with mothers and babies. I couldn't face it. So left. Home. Hoover. Shower. Home made milk coffee and breakfast. Watched Eastenders on iPlayer. Listened to some footie.

Planted petunias. Which was not easy as I had assessed it would be pre-purchase, as the pots were already a tad full of daffs and lilies and hyacinths bulbs. But I got there eventually! So yellow/orange lilies with red petunias and some violet blue petunias for the bathroom window sill. They looked lovely last summer.

Rang my mum. She has been worried about me. I am not sure what to say to her. Or rather where to begin. It's not that I want sympathy I don't - I just want someone to tell me why. Give me answers and no-one but he can. I may have a long wait for those too. So in lieu of that I want to be made to feel better about myself. I keep walking and typing in the hope I will do.

Face it, the last thing I needed right now was to be alone for 2 days to pace, ponder and brood. I have tried to keep busy but there is only so much cleaning/cooking and walking you can do. So I am fretting still. Shaking still. Forcing food and avoiding alcohol. There was a brief moment this morning when I woke - when everything was beautiful, but then reality flooded my head and it all felt pointless again. Agh. So some writing may help. It has in the past.

It shouldn't hurt like this. 3 dates - 3 months of amusing chatter. A small amount of time in the long term scale of life. But it does. It was 3 months of really trusting someone - of sharing with each other some of our fears and quirks. Private and personal things that you don't just blurt out for the sake of it. Making plans for the summer for heavens sake, did I dream that?

Now I feel like a unwanted Christmas present. Everywhere I go - reminders. Dr Who 'Spoilers'. Motorbikes. Snowboarding continuing in Scotland. Black mini-coopers. Cougar Town posters. Jokes we had shared. Reactions to rude people had been spot on. The Daily Mail. Parts of London. I shared all my favourite places and now I can't see them without thinking of him. I had advanced so far in allowing someone in. After so long of keeping people at arms length. I just want answers - proper ones. Explanations so I can be sure that it wasn't ALL wrong/bad... that I wasn't all wrong/bad.

So I have in my usual way been deconstructing the 'curse'/ gamble / convenience of Internet dating... I know how it usually works - which is probably why I have had such little success! (Placing an ad in Soulmates in the Guardian in 2000 was far more interesting.) Until recently. Generally my Internet dating has been fairly patchy. When I did it a few years ago I got as far as talking via MSN. Never texts for some reason. Thought a person was fine and then met to discover - Nada. End of.

So this latest episode has got me re-thinking about the whole deal. It's akin to online shopping and perhaps something catches your eye so you ask for a delivery. You can sit in the comfort of your home. In your routine and life and look. Then you see/read about a person or 'parcel' that you like. We've all become more sophisticated in our use of the Net and the communication tools at our disposal. Let's face it now the site has updated you can be onlining chatting in moments. With a stranger.

You may contact the seller first to check, via their website and you may if want to share more of your personal details to converse beyond the website and in the wider Internet and even one to one via the mobile phone - and you may even talk to the seller over the phone before any delivery is made.

I had never completed these steps before. This time I was investing. Or was I just more in tune with what are now modern day accepted practices? We closely guard our privacy but get online dating and suddenly everything is accessible as you choose it to be.

So things move along. The package will arrive and you each suss each other. If you are lucky the package will be close to what you were hoping to receive. If you are really lucky it will be more than you had hoped for (I fear my parcel when it arrived was indeed far beyond my expectations. I was truly swept away.)

Then you have a choice. Perhaps catch up with the parcel again or return to sender. In the past it was sent back - by mutual preference. I have been lucky - no lingering. Meet. Nothing. Finish. Move on. You pretty much know after the first delivery. When you open the door and see face to face who you have been connecting with prior to that. If you know - you know.

So in a turn of events more contact with the office to re-arrange a second outing.

Again. A great parcel to share for a day.

More office contact and arrangements.

A third delivery.

You can only wear an outfit once before taking it back.

Perhaps with Internet dating you can stretch to 3 wears before you take it back and change it. Or maybe I have just been very unlucky in the past and one wear was enough. On maybe when I did it before I didn't limit myself to one parcel - I juggled. Gees too busy/tiring to do that now! Or just maybe this latest experience was new for other reasons.

I did not know how to handle the third delivery. What pace was I supposed to go at? Was this a pandoras box or a poisoned chalice. I wish I had spoken to the delivery boy and asked for advice....

The truth is you can log back in and see what else is in the store. Your may also learn some tips from your previous parcel. Places to go. Places to see. You can set your expectations a bit higher and return to the pool to seek out perfection. I don't think you do find perfection on-line. Actually maybe you do - you do find perfection online - but then reality comes crashing in. Virtual world life is marvellous because the bits you don't know about you fill in for yourself. And being human we tend to gloss it in our own head to be our idea of perfection. It works. The very real risk of meeting is that you lose that connection. But meeting and not breaking that connection is then made all the more brilliant. Meeting and wanting to continue the virtual and still meet face to face is truly marvellous. There are then several threads binding their way together. You can share observations and know the other would see it that way too. You feel able to text/email at any time of night or day. You start to forget about the sales website where you started all this. You start to really show yourself - beyond the 1 dimensional virtual person that email and texts can afford you. I suspect the question is then of timing. Get on well virtually so meet as soon as poss. Kill it before it consumes you if that is to be the case. Or proceed with caution. I live alone and don't need the hassle of someone who may turn out to be a bit odd. I proceeded with caution. I wanted to be sure. There were a few nerves but once I was stood waiting that first time I was v excited.

Ultimately though the power of modern communication is at one its instantaneous-ness and also its ability to be switched off. Walk away. Not necessarily facing or hearing the answers/reasons you need to settle and move on. All or nothing. People cull friends on FB for example - would you do that to someone you see day to day? Or even someone you don't? You may have a row or just quietly lose touch - but cold heartedly cull them? I'd prefer to only accept friends who are actually people I consider to be friends... doh!

Part of me would love to go shopping once more on that sales website - but I am not sure what is on sale anymore. Pain? Fear? Virtual whatever I fancy? There were a few others interested in my profile. But none that I was vaguely prepared to be so open with. None that made me want to call the office. Then I ask myself why was I there at all? Oh yeah - I wanted to meet people. Which I could do by getting out from behind my PC. SO is it laziness? Possibly. Though this time I was enlivened. My head hit pillow - 'life is good' as opposed to 'what is the point'. Or perhaps for me it was the element of safety. I could switch off if no-one was interesting to me or indeed interested in me.

If in the past every connection had been so naff why was I putting myself through this again. Because I could be as involved or detached as I wanted.

But what was it with this person that made me want to be more involved? Ah yes I remember, honesty. Initial resistance. In fact his 3rd email to me did inc phrase F...off. Hey I liked the spirit and it was later explained as a spin off of working night shifts. But note the number 3 again. Motor sports. I'd seen motorbikes that morning. It was in his profile. He had marked me as a favourite without ever talking to me!? That' show weird the internet is (makes us).

But there was enough in common to interest each of us and enough not in common to allow for individuality. Oh and there was that cute smile and sexy eyes. I had no expectations that I would get to be too much me with a n other. We emailed minor novels to each other. Exploring ideas and emotions and observations. It was great. My blog went begging - why write to a void when you can write to a respondee?

But back to the analogy. When you return items to the store you have to give a reason and sign a piece of paper.

Likewise when you decide you don't want to see someone again - despite the previous few months of fun - you can send an email which covers your side of the story. It does not guarantee a dialogue and negates the need to call someone and let them hear you say it. Its that bit that hurts. At the very least that what's we had earned from each other. A novel to say goodbye - I would prefer the real life version for that moment.

So I think it all through. I wonder if work patterns, new arrivals and general hectic lifestyle were the reason. Or was it me - being so tongue tied face to face and yet so free in other ways. Scare someone off. Confuse them.

These are things that in real life you work through. Perhaps we both overwhelmed each other. Perhaps I really am a boring conversationalist.. (answers on an old fashioned postcard!)

Or was it that the sales website had something better to offer? And how do you know if its better? The basic facts of reality don't change. Do they?

I really liked him. I liked him and had enough faith in it to tell people. People who did not want to hear it.

People were commenting on how happy I seemed to be. I was - not only had I met someone who I wanted to make time for - I was also reminding myself of the inner confidence and humour I possess - I was meeting me again.

Now I am left with a sense of emptiness. As if I have been duped. I want to rest easy again. I just want to hear it...and I don't want to turn crazed weirdo in my quest for that!!