Winter

is upon us. The clocks went back and its been damply raining for most of the day. The darkened skies closing in around the gloomy city. The extra hour in bed was much needed following my second 'I have drunk too much' nights out. I did though force myself out for my walk this morning. Yuk. Damp and sweaty. But it gave me the space and time I needed to think and reorder my weekend.

Funny how two nights can be so different.

The first (F for Friday) evening of chat and beer revealed all I needed to know about my riddle to move forward. Though for me there is a sense of sadness, there is also a feeling of contentment. Perhaps 'it' does exist and one day it will all fall into place. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even if it breaks your heart. One day I will learn to put myself first. Until such times I will continue to live and learn.

The second (S for Saturday) confirmed all my suspicions and brought to a close the end of a long running story, neigh saga. It also made me realise that yelling at people in pubs with the back drop of live bands playing covers, albeit quite well, whilst OK was not, for me, the great fun night out all the rest of the party goers seemed to think it was. Maybe I am losing my sense of humour. Maybe I am just a sour faced misery. Then again maybe I just find enjoyment out of different things these days. And maybe seeing people drunk and hurting themselves and others no longer holds the naive appeal it once did. To hear a familiar story from an acquaintance bought back some memories I had buried. To times when I really thought I was cracking up and that no-one was listening. The best I could do was listen (hard in a loud pub but I did make the effort) and indeed give her a hug and advise she had to be strong and take control. It's never easy but if people won't listen and try to meet you half way you have to be firm. Otherwise you change and get walked all over.

So the weekend has had its ups and downs.

At least the Gills won. I got abused by disgruntled Rovers fans at Victoria Stn 'We woz robbed' - Yup lads shit happens. It was a strange old game. I lie it was an awful game two bad teams playing arse football. And then some chap engaged me in Gills related convo on the tube home - luckily I got off a different stop. It also reminds me that so far this season no sign of the Tit. Next stop Swansea and a shortened week at work.

I'd like to think this weekend has helped me reach some decisions. Gonna to find a course of something to expand my mind and ensure I meet some new people. Going to stop fretting about the things I think I shouldn't do 'just in case' and erm dive in and see what happens. Watch this space.............