Spliter...

I fear I am moving more towards Facebook at the moment.. as for Twitter... erm am seeing if I can get mobile with it - then maybe it will have merit..!? Both these mediums do not require many words to be written - unlike blogging of course - that folks is all about words...

So I guess I have come here on a very wet Thursday night to relay 'stuff'.

This week has been like house arrest. Four days in a room with a tiny American, some ladies from a legal-ish team and some more ladies from a finance team. Me the IT in the middle. As an experience of getting stuff done I have to concede when the room was just us ladies it happened. No alpha male or female cat games. We were each fighting for our corner but in a positive and measured way. Professionally. The actual contrast from the view at my desk (mainly men) has been refreshing.

But the price has been my lunch time social life has going to pot. Crikey. It really has been like detention.

When I have escaped I have sat in the canteen on my own scoffing pasta salad. Advertised as with artichokes and red onions. But neither were present. Just pesto and rocket... A slight improvement on sandwiches however.

I now have 16 pages of notes however to write up and then distill to my male superiors. All this in the week Harriet Harman dares to suggest that things only get done when there is a woman in the fore ground. I am finding this all rather poignant. The last few working weeks have seen me described as a minute taker only, or a tea lady. Then subjected to 30 minutes of diversity and inclusion training. Dignity at work. I would just hope to be treated with respect for who I am and the job I do. It seems though that if you are in control and on top of your game you are deemed a threat - and as such become fair game.

To be fair I am much calmer about the whole set of incidents than I was. If anything if has given me a inner sense of purpose and calmness. Stick to my instincts and due diligence and I can walk my line across any terrain. My only regret - not expressing my angst when I should have done. The anger I felt towards my immediate colleagues has also subsided. It has given power to my elbow.

I am not claiming to do a better job than anyone else I work with, but I have on more recent occasions wondered if the dramatic antics of the male populous are actually a barrier to success/progress ever happening. My experience of female bosses is practically zero, with one notable exception. For the most part I have managed cordial working relationships with the male bosses I lacked respect for. With others I have managed cordial working relationships in the face of much deeper waters running less than still. Sleeping with a boss will make the 9 to 5 life interesting to say the least. Snogging him and hoping his sister/wife do not find out will also raise the stakes. Falling in love with him will probably lead to resignation and starting a new life elsewhere. It rarely works out. I imagine with a female boss you bitch more behind the backs or at best you find a solid friend. Sharing of handbags not necessary however. My one exception was very much an older wiser sister figure. I have no need for a surrogate mother - my mum is more than sufficient in my life.

So where is all this leading? Nowhere really. It sort of fits with other discussions this week about working mums and those women who stay at home. My hat is firmly on the peg of staying home to bring up my sprog. However this for me would be a very well thought about decision. In lieu of spawning my life is pretty much the effort and commitment I put into my job. Its what gets me out of bed. So it needs to be more than just stimulating - it needs to reward (and not financially) - though paying all my bills without a worry is another thing I strove for - if you are going to be independent you need a solid sense of cash flow. I have used my brain and 'charm' to give my self the security I have. But now its starting to go stale. I will have been in present seat for 9 years in December. The recent clashes have stressed me to the point of visible shakes at work, severe headaches at weekends. And my smoking habit has peaked. All in all things are slipping from my grip. I cannot recall the last time I was actually 'happy'. When I last laughed so it hurt. When was the last time I got a sense of achievement from my 8 hours? Mm.

There is a connection with some other events. Yes I have bumped into several of my old bosses recently. And yes I did (see above) once upon time - with both. However. Each have a sense of care towards to me. Each recognised my brightness. Saw that I was not of the usual mould. And they clearly saw something else me that I have yet to grasp. Am I ever sexy? I have my doubts. Yet apparently when my face relaxes and I smile I am beautiful. Not feeling so beautiful today I can tell you. Retreat to introspection. So one boss I bumped into by total chance. We ended up getting rather drunk. He had grown quite wide and his accent was harder to understand! The other I had arranged to meet for one purpose and ended up instead just talking/having a conversation with for 2 hours in Embankment park. It was very liberating to be part of a two-way conversation and not just a listening sponge.

Other weird and wonderful events? I am going to see Pearl Jam on the 18th August - with The Actor. Strange but very true. I am very excited to be seeing Eddie Vedder and have been choosing my all time Top 10 PJ songs. (Nearly wrote snogs!) and also to be catching up with The Actor for 4th time in my life!

Having been implored to find a life outside of work I appear to be doing just that. Out of a week 2 nights have been spent in alone in the last few weeks. A bit of effort and my life springs alive again. Perhaps that's my unseen talent? Myself and Sparky have been meeting for post Ashes test dinners - losers pay. In fact even in the draw situ the Aussie has paid. Each evening has been amusing and relaxed. Odd dreams abound though about all of the above!

Other news. Am off to see Camilla next week. I struggle sometimes not to pour my heart out to her. But I have come to the conclusion least said. I rang her yesterday for sanity! To hear her bubbly voice - it oozes sunshine from the phone! It worked. And then 2 hours with TTWD. I am glad of my decision last night. Trust is a really weird thing. It was good to talk though.

This evening I walked. Got very wet. In my walking sandals. Lovely! My hair is as curly as a Monday pm post swimming.

And the one event that really made me smile today? Whilst booking my haircut. I have a weird love/hate relationship with Tony and Guy. Its not like the heady days of Fish (that was always a laugh and my male Aussie hairdresser and I would be there long after closing laughing like drains, those were the days), its more manufactured and corporate. Not helped ny the manageress being a petite dark haired woman who loves to woo her male clients. It's fascinating to watch. Going in to book my haircut it was she who took my request. Telling me there were two of me in the database (God help you doppelganger - mind you you are probably living the life I should have had OR its a case of duplicates in which case I am back in detention) she checked slots. My hairdresser Louise came bounding over (v v un-Tony & Guy like) and smiling broadly asked me when I was coming in! I was really touched by her genuine enthusiasm. I replied as soon as you can fit me in. I think she would have cut my hair there and then! Any way petite Manageress mumbled a time for tomorrow and printed out my appointment slip. Louise meanwhile smiled again and told me she would see me tomorrow. It really cheered me. The harden petite one out flanked by me the offish frizz ball and her energetic lead stylist. LOL. Not a laugh to make me ache - but defo a rather inward beaming grin. So tomorrow haircut! Hooray! Its gotten too long. Dye it v soon too. Ready for Eddie Vedder! ;-)

And now with the news that at 7th August - at 34 minutes past 12 the time date will read

12:34:56 07/08/09...

its time for candor under the stairs... ta ra for now and cheers chums - you're keeping me sane in that random way my life does.