And so

from the high to the low.

That is me.

I woke this morning. Rolled over and went straight back to sleep. I rang my boss at 9am. I nearly bottled it and sent an email but no I was not fit for work today so I fronted it.

Yesterday I had been so close to just lashing out at several people. It was not a good place to be in. I suspect I am just so deeply tired. Day to day things and deep down tiredness. The constant sense I am compromising myself and having to settle for the-right-thing-to-do things not the real things. So today I slept. Slept and slept. The radio was my companion and now after a long soak in a bath (oh yeah my shower broke last Friday, builder came Monday, so I missed swimming, only to tell me it was a very old electric shower not a power shower and a phone call yesterday - there may be a replacement in Newcastle so bath and strange shampoo poses are becoming my new speciality) I feel less tired but still coiled like a spring. If I want different outputs then different inputs but turning on people and making them realise how lazy, dull, uninspiring they are isn't going to help. And anyway what makes me think I am right. Maybe its actually me with the problems. Mental tiredness is an illness I am sure. Stress related dementia. Gaping holes in your sense of self. Weakness of mind making you want to destroy everything. Losing patience. Full to the brim with being patient.

I hope it passes.

I wanted to talk the doctor about the blesses pill and how my moods are beginning to get progressively darker. Like a blanket of despair descends and prevents me from thinking properly. Everything is black and white and my so called sunny disposition deserts me. I just fill instead with self loathing and distrust. And yet with all the things that have not gone well recently I have not totally lost it. Though Mrs Elephant deciding to paint outside of house this evening almost tipped me. Its like I really don't exist. Invisible. Pushed through on the street. Jumped in queues. Sat on trains. All I want is a quiet life.. leave me be like I leave you all be...

And at other times I really just want to be looked after. To not have to think about myself or anyone. Not put everyone else's feeling before my own.

My big decision to go for a weekend of 'change your life training' got cancelled. Ha ha. Sums me up really. Your life will always be like this.. why fight it?

And so.