Hormones..

why oh why do they over shadow all rational thought and make everything seem like the end of the safe world...

Suffice to say I have managed to pull myself over the hump of despair that trapped me at the end of last week. Maybe having my Pop safely back in the country helped.

Maybe knowing that Sparky got home in time and can now spend some proper time with his Mum has heartened me. It does mean of course he is job hunting and I have no idea if and when he will return. I am just glad he has the opportunity to be where he is needed as opposed to hiding from his responsibilities through 1,000s miles of distance...

Maybe its the decision to take Friday as leave and treat myself to 3 days of me-time. I have a wardrobe of clothes that need sorting out again. I have a lost ring to look for, after Mum realised it was no longer on her finger after last week. I have plenty to occupy me, and I have a long overdue lay in to relish.

I just need to rest my brain. I can't change the situations. I can though stop clamming up and actually articulate how I feel and for once learn to deal with the consequences of being honest as opposed to censoring what I say having already walked through the reactions and decided it's not going to be helpful. I hate it when people tell me how I will react or behave, so I should apply the same to myself. We are each entitled to make our own choice based on what we know. I do know my head is all over the place. Distracted would sum it up.

A friend commented I did not want to be loved.

I suspect there is an element of truth in it... I don't feel able to accept myself as deserving of it. I dis-trust its meaning based on previous experiences, I long for security and have trained myself to only trust myself. Look where it has got me...And yet when said by certain people it feels true. I want to embrace it. I want to wear a stupid grin and be airy. Cat with the cream. Ah well.

A discussion with a former colleague revealed last night that my life has not budged for the last 18 months whereas his has. He seemed more alert and enthused than I recall. It was good to catch up and lay things to rest. It was good to be out with the team. Even on a Tuesday. But unnerving to realise that my life has not altered that much at all. Promotion. Swimming. Mm. I must not dwell on the things I cannot change. But I can think seriously about a long holiday somewhere warm and interesting....

Ah yes btw - Gills v Stockport FAC2 - ta Pop for getting my ticket!!