So ...

it's been a long 3 months. May, June and July, but there they are gone. I have failed miserably to book my Cuban adventure - but at least this evening I have booked my course... so starting in October I'll be doing something in my own time that I truly love... writing.

The plan sort of took hold this morning on my walk... spend the next 3 years working towards my end goal and so by the time I am 40 I can start to work the way I want to work.. not the current nearly 50 hour week...

I was on leave on Friday - I have slept fairly solidly since Thursday evening. No social activity. No interaction. Just sleep and radio. I did go for a walk Sat/Sun am - and yesterday ventured to Waterstone's for books.. No Bret Easton Ellis mind you which was what I was after.. a compromise - still came away with 3 books...! Chekhov. ''The Essential Tales of'. Philippa Gregory, 'The White Queen' (to recapture my last holiday) and 'Her Fearful Symmetry', by Audrey Niffenegger (who wrote the awesome 'The Time Travellers Wife'.) It's an optimistic set of purchases as I haven't read a book all the way through for a while. The last being Philip Roth's The Ghost Writer and I only managed that because it was supremely short. For a novel. Interesting ideas though. I need to get back into some of my more relaxing routines. I have been blown off course for a long while. The year is now over half way old. The nights are drawing in. Wearing vest tops and sandals won't last much longer.

Next week the football season re-starts. Division Two. I have my season ticket but I am unsure as to how enthused I am likely to be.. there are far more entertaining sports out there... currently the European Athletics are on, yes I am wireless and knackering my back in the 'comfy' chair, whilst typing and watching athletics. Earlier - The Grand Prix. Excitement in the pit lane and I do like to see Vettel beaten. The last week - cricket - M Vaughan and Aggers have been priceless on TMS. And last Sunday night I was genuinely on the edge of my 'comfie' chair as the Moto GP crowd made their way round Laguna Seca. The race that last year drew me in. Having spent a pleasant day with folks perusing aviation art - and then having Sunday lunch and a free beer - I knew that getting home I would be waiting for 10pm.. I love it! Even my Gillingham team picture has been consumed by a Rossi with a crutch... he came third?! Aliens. Aliens. Ah. And there's the rub. He is still in my head. Every day a reminder. Be it a loud bike roaring past or some other spoiler.

(More MotoGP.com piccies see here)

I suspect my lack lustre state at work is as much the realisation that the respect I once had has gone. I should feel more but its just anger towards First Man, towards Yarns it is still disbelief. And a tinge of regret. How different might the last 3 months of been? The only high at work - possibly placing myself in the middle of a total fall out.. contradicting all the 'solutions' the business wants me to implement with the basic hard facts - its not the answer.

Either way last Monday I was the walking dead.. even missed swimming. I worry that smoking has finally caught up with me. Today so far only had two - my head feels less heavy and my body less tight. Despite the urge to go back to bed after the GP I did manage to stay awake and even called home.

I hate feeling so tired and displaced. I hate feeling safer behind the walls of my flat rather than out in the world. Where did the confidence of March go? Am even boycotting Facebook.. I was getting desperate for attention. It's not the answer.

There have been some high points this past week...but they are for me to know... and possibly you to find out.

I can give an exclusive... that egg box had a further 2 eggs with double yolks - see soon to be sent mobile pictures!