My Weekend

'Think Twice' Groove Armada
close your eyes and lose the feeling that's been sinking
close your eyes and count to three
close your eyes rewind, I know just what you're thinking
close your eyes and think of me

Larger than life niceties
bigger than you, more than me
I've got the Monday morning blues
and oh my god I've got the home for you

and give the everyday morning you...use
there's things right here I can't afford to choose

CHORUS

sincere, caramel, champagne, down drain, tell him, no gain
it's so damn physical it will sustain
and too damn technicolor to refrain
and much too taxing for my little brain

why do we never know enough of happy ends?
why do they never show?
all the times that we have been so good and caring
how many times we'll never know

CHORUS X2

Packed it like a punch out to lunch
I got a little hunch that stood out from the bunch
as if that's not a enough I need another reason why

that god damn bitch of life she made me cry
so I'd like to poke her squarely in the eye
and it hurt so much I feel like I could die
yeah
-------

I left work on Friday so messed up. My head in turmoil. I wanted to scream. To break down and let it all out. My work. My blessed selfish neighbours. My 'friends'. My Friday solitude. This is the most vibrant place in the world. Me? Nowhere to go. No-one to be with. It was compounded by Radio Five alluding to 30+ single women never being happy... read the originating article here. (sorry it's in the Mail. yuk.) Sadly I feel echos.

I contemplated beers, ciggies and pills. Instead I bought a Burger King...there's anger for you. The most rebellious I can be now is crap food.

I switched off all means of contact.

Saturday I got up and out. It drizzled. I kept going.

I broke down in front of someone Saturday pm. Sadly he was too away with the coke fairy to be of use. I took it. It was there in my hand. There for the taking. To take and become someone else. To forget today.

I gave him the choice. Me or it. He left. I went to bed fairly soon after Doctor Who Confidential.

I spent the rest of the weekend not thinking. Trying to not noticing that for all the moments of care I take for others it was not there when I need it.

I immersed myself in Grand Prix, Moto GP, Athletics, football. Immersed myself.

So even in my anger I am still too bloody strong to do anything radical which brings me out from under the shade. Am hoping if I stop thinking and just plough on I can get through the Monday morning blues and hope that the moon and the stars set me free. I am tired of feeling so lost. So a lone. I also know the only one to change it is me. But I keep saying it and keep failing to do anything about it.

How desperate do I have to get? How much further into my doubt must I go to be heard.

To help myself.

To stop thinking twice.