Most people go to the Doctors and probably prefer not to talk about it afterwards. I however can't resist the urge to write a passage about today's event as I lurch from mild amusement to down right giggles and then back to total horror.
My morning started with the worry of what to wear. I knew at some point items of clothes would need to be removed so that the area causing me pain could be examined and a notion of causes and potions for fixes given. So wide legged trousers and super large pants were called for, the same super large pants in fact I have worn all week for comfort and to provide with all those walking behind me (if they can keep up) a great view of my VPL.
To work I get - my morning consists of 2 hours of meetings and the bombshell that yet another task needs completing by the end of March. I have so much free time on my hands oh and 12 days leave still to take before the end of April that I fear for opportunities to see day light ever happening again.
At 12.30 I depart. Walk full tilt to Bank and get tube home. In surgery at 1.20pm with plenty of time to spare. I feel a bit strange. The pain has eased considerably since Monday and Tuesday when I was barely able to sit.
I am not going to see my usual doctor but a Mr Bennett. Please no Jane Austen references here. He appears around the door and calls me in.
Where do I start?
I admit an amount of embarrassment - to which he says we're not just here to deal with easy stuff.
Erm okay then. So I blurt out - well it my bum. It hurts. I haven't been able to sit comfortably - and Mon/Tues/Wed were very painful. I resist using the word arse. I want to say it hurts when I crap - but somehow the words ‘it hurts when I pass.. .’ leave my mouth and he deduces.
I have already been online to the NHS Direct website to check for piles and fissures. I don't think it’s that. But weird pimples and a real soreness have haunted me all week.
Not sure now who is feeling more awkward the Dr broaches the fact he will need to examine said area. I quip not exactly your ideal patient on a Friday afternoon, sorry. We discuss chaperones and I am then behind a curtain grateful for wide leg trousers and huge pants. Let's face it how many people ever really see your bum? Your mum when you were in nappies and maybe your lover if they are experimental or thorough. Although I guess any drunken bloke has dropped his trousers when the occasion has demanded it. I though tend to keep my bum under wraps.
'Can you show me where it hurts?'
I think to myself - how much more do I need to do - I am on the examination table with my bum facing outwards and I need to show him where it hurts?! Should I show him my tattoo while I am here?
Words like 'crack', 'cheeks', 'pimples', 'stinging' and his word 'bum hole' are used to ascertain it's not fungal. It's not exhibiting any signs that an internal examination is needed. I breathe sighs of relief. I have nappy rash?!
There was a name he gave it. Basically I have a very sore butt. He prescribes some cream and I feel sort of foolish. The pain of earlier in the week has subsided. Clearly the growth I thought I had - wasn't. It's not ring worm or piles. It's just been very uncomfortable and quick walking has increased the friction and made it worse.
I go home via chemist and apply £6.85 cream. Already it feels less sore.
As I walked back from the cinema I just felt amused.
I introduced myself and then mooned my doctor.
My morning started with the worry of what to wear. I knew at some point items of clothes would need to be removed so that the area causing me pain could be examined and a notion of causes and potions for fixes given. So wide legged trousers and super large pants were called for, the same super large pants in fact I have worn all week for comfort and to provide with all those walking behind me (if they can keep up) a great view of my VPL.
To work I get - my morning consists of 2 hours of meetings and the bombshell that yet another task needs completing by the end of March. I have so much free time on my hands oh and 12 days leave still to take before the end of April that I fear for opportunities to see day light ever happening again.
At 12.30 I depart. Walk full tilt to Bank and get tube home. In surgery at 1.20pm with plenty of time to spare. I feel a bit strange. The pain has eased considerably since Monday and Tuesday when I was barely able to sit.
I am not going to see my usual doctor but a Mr Bennett. Please no Jane Austen references here. He appears around the door and calls me in.
Where do I start?
I admit an amount of embarrassment - to which he says we're not just here to deal with easy stuff.
Erm okay then. So I blurt out - well it my bum. It hurts. I haven't been able to sit comfortably - and Mon/Tues/Wed were very painful. I resist using the word arse. I want to say it hurts when I crap - but somehow the words ‘it hurts when I pass.. .’ leave my mouth and he deduces.
I have already been online to the NHS Direct website to check for piles and fissures. I don't think it’s that. But weird pimples and a real soreness have haunted me all week.
Not sure now who is feeling more awkward the Dr broaches the fact he will need to examine said area. I quip not exactly your ideal patient on a Friday afternoon, sorry. We discuss chaperones and I am then behind a curtain grateful for wide leg trousers and huge pants. Let's face it how many people ever really see your bum? Your mum when you were in nappies and maybe your lover if they are experimental or thorough. Although I guess any drunken bloke has dropped his trousers when the occasion has demanded it. I though tend to keep my bum under wraps.
'Can you show me where it hurts?'
I think to myself - how much more do I need to do - I am on the examination table with my bum facing outwards and I need to show him where it hurts?! Should I show him my tattoo while I am here?
Words like 'crack', 'cheeks', 'pimples', 'stinging' and his word 'bum hole' are used to ascertain it's not fungal. It's not exhibiting any signs that an internal examination is needed. I breathe sighs of relief. I have nappy rash?!
There was a name he gave it. Basically I have a very sore butt. He prescribes some cream and I feel sort of foolish. The pain of earlier in the week has subsided. Clearly the growth I thought I had - wasn't. It's not ring worm or piles. It's just been very uncomfortable and quick walking has increased the friction and made it worse.
I go home via chemist and apply £6.85 cream. Already it feels less sore.
As I walked back from the cinema I just felt amused.
I introduced myself and then mooned my doctor.
I have had VPL all week.
The word 'bum hole' is officially a medical term.
5 comments:
So thats why you didnt text! pc-anon x
Ooo yow - I've had that - you are not alone. I share your doctoral embarassment!!!
Actually you had a very sore 'bum hole' as a baby but then it was due to eczema (had to look that one up!). Just thought I would share that with everybody as you obviously decided to open up a can of worms (oh no it wasn't was it!!)x
no not worms .. or at least none that he wanted to tell me about...!
it's all fine now but just a gentle reminder we are all basically the same.
perhaps wearing more than one pair of pants for than a week would help?
Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?
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