FitFlops

Yes people the sum total of my four days. A pair of FitFlops and a bottle of perfume.

So I longed for my four days away from work. Well it started not as I would have wished. Which in some ways was a good thing. I got horribly drunk on 2 tequilas/ a Guinness and countless vodka tonics. So very drunk that I am not sure how I got home. I am aware en route home I got particularly honest via text message. I spent all of Friday in bed. Why was any of this good? Well it has meant no ciggies since Thursday. So that's 4 days without. It's a start. The hammering head and all day retching were not so pleasant. What a waste of a day off.

It also meant for the last few days I have been able to think. See things. Whatever I felt for the Actor it is all so very much in the past. And he has a life way beyond anything I have to offer. As for my other spam message. First Man. I have to accept that this madness/depression and general grey demeanour is down to being a total shadow in his life. No-one knows anything about us and so its all been in my head right? I just don't think mentally I can stick at this game. Just waiting just in case. Knowing that in his head there is a whole world to explore. The chance we had went. The secrets we share are just that - secrets. So no matter how strongly I feel its all not to be. I am so angry. When there was a hint I was off to Oz he practically begged me to stay. Now he can barely invite me out anywhere. In case people get suspicious... So selfish. It is as if my feelings and hopes can be switched on and off at will. Perhaps I have watched too much drama this weekend - but if something feels right why does it become so destructive?

So for 3 days at least I have been walking lots.

Buoyed by my own self discipline today, I updated my match.com profile - the real me. The sunny. Amusing. Attractive me. Even reflated my Pilate's ball and stretched those stomach muscles. Be prepared and all that.

Otherwise I have enjoyed my total lack of responsibility this weekend. Just me and whatever I fancied to entertain me. Grand Prix. Moto GP. DVD's. Walks and some iPlayer catch ups. I also bought 2 more cactus. Bloody vicious things... heyho - at least they may live..!

And so to Tuesday. Do I stay a shadow or do I get some items out in the open? I fed up of being a sponge. Dripping with despair.

Mm.

Hope you all had great weekends.. BBQ's? Family dos? Weekends away with special friends etc etc. All the things I have avoided. I just want to lay on the grass and watch the clouds with a n other. Simple request huh.

Anyway FitFlops could well be the future!! I'll let you know.