are perhaps a changing. For a start I am wireless and typing this - and that is very modern for me. Have to mind that I don't burn my legs and not sure how well my back likes it...
To be honest I have been avoiding my laptop. Stupidly it reminded me too much of the joy it gave me in its first few days. It would boot up and I would be online chatting to Paul within seconds. The excitement of getting that email was all consuming. Total distraction. I was too happy to believe my luck. Now the emptiness of the email box being empty is too much too bear. I fear that is starting to change - I still think of him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me or the intensity we shared. Strange how one event can tarnish or enlighten so many others. It has made me think about communication a lot. How people interact. The way that technology has made us communicate in a far less personal way.
I'm not really here to talk about that.. I could rant on about the England football team - but what would be the point? The team's level of commitment far less than their fans. Mugs that we are. They are overpaid and over hyped. They never looked any threat and no amount of group stage excuses could cover that fact. Radio Five this afternoon has been excellent - Chris Waddle has been bang on with his 'punditry' - I'd prefer to think of it as insightful and well argued observation. He has been there - played for England - in the pre Premiership era. It meant something back then. When England failed it hurt. Today does not hurt - it just makes me embarrassed to have re-flagged my St George's cross. Then again I can wave it for the cricket team, and Lewis and Jenson... any number of other sports I also watch.. Yesterday was awesome - Grand Prix quals, Moto GP (Lorenzo is taking it on... and Randy D. P's efforts were inspiring! Him and Spies (oh damn it Yarns said he would be one to watch - he was right.) Tennis - last night watching Murray take his opponent competently. Whilst Nadal and Federer have fought through 5 setters... Sport is my company!
Friday was an odd day. My anticipated Pearl Jam evening with the Actor was not to be that way. I wonder where I fit in - in that sphere. I was so angry, again the communication was weak. My fault or his. I don't know. And he has his reasons. I did though recoil to my usual self esteem position of having 'mug' on my forehead. So I went lastminute.com with Craig. We had a good larf. Drank too much Tuborg and then he hooked up with his mates. Can anyone explain to me what 'fish-hooking' is? I came home to CW by myself - defo dancing to Madge on the tube as I did... the local for the end of Sparky's headlining music night set. I walk into a emotional maelstrom. I am told I am the only honest friend someone has - and that I tell it like it is. Oh perhaps I do. And perhaps I don't. Sparky was very hyper. I made my excuses and came home to reel at the current waves around me. I suspect I am walking in a different direction to everyone else. My hardest drug is a pint or two and sorry to say the ciggies.
This week at work has been a trial too.. having taken Wednesday afternoon off to watch footie First Man calls me - I ignore the first 2 calls - right during the first half... can you believe it? (mug) I pick up at half time. I am so confused. Should I stay and fight or just admit the situation - wider - and closer to home is all too much? Not being there meant I wasn't available for beers and more rant soaking up. Home with a glass of wine and a pizza; England at least won - but still unconvincing.
Thursday I did something positive and went to the Birkbeck Open day - to suss out what creative writing course would best suit a budding novelist and generally disillusioned Project Manager.
That felt hollow with all the other crap flying around. My heart not in it - but as I walked away I did think it was good first step.
Last week I went to a Women in Technology seminar and that buoyed me - I did some networking (a thing I hate) and I learnt some useful things about taking control of my future. I suspect this blog post may well herald the change of my direction. Time to stop hiding behind feeling tired and the numerous drunken mistakes I have made recently and get myself sorted for my future.
I've also neglected mentioning the footie season being announced... Cheltenham at home first game.. but that's a way off yet.
Not sure if I'm still on track diet wise. But last Monday I did at least get my sad arse to swimming again havinf missed about 3 weeks. And the pool closes in October for refurb so there's a date to aim for.... The first step is the hardest and yet the most important. Weigh in tomorrow is therefore a must too...
It's been 2 months since I got the goodbye email. I still don't understand it - I have rationalised it though. Shame it meant I had to face the hurt of January/February that I had buried and quite possibly the never ending saga with Sparky. I must let go of my past. Even the quirky bits that made me smile but ultimately never sustained me. Or accept them for the writing fodder they will no doubt become!
I was set on booking a holiday to Cuba. Still not done. Need to do something. Escape this current streak of life. Every week day I wake up and think - Oh my god not this joke again...
Still I do though and without the aid of drugs or drama queen histrionics. I face myself every morning and evening and think is this it? How can I change it?
On Thursday evening I have 2 tickets to see Shakespeare. Bought as a birthday present from someone who days later was clearly seeing someone else. Perhaps I should sell them both. Or go on my own. Done that before.
I have been dabbling on Match.com again - but its a once a week dabble.
And so 2 months on.. growing stronger - gaining clarity on my future. Perhaps getting less tolerant of people - or my responses to them.. break the cycle Karoona - break it.
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