Why does...

SavaCentre house its tinned fruit on the same aisle as all its sweets and confectionary... what chance has mummy got of getting little jonny to want fruit when before all that there are bars and packets of tooth decaying sugar fixes?

Harsh Times

In the spirit of being on leave I decided to do something I haven't done for ages - go to the cinema. A combination of rain and landlord and gas safety checks meant I had to go to the late evening showing. I guess my main motivation was 119 mins of Christain Bale to swoon over. Mm. Not sure that was the aim of the film and for large parts swooning was not really an option. I had no idea of the plot to be honest and so the digest that was 2-3 days in the lives of Jim and Michael on the less than glam side of LA's streets was not quite what I had in mind for my escapist trip. Do not go to see this film if you want fluffy and pleasant. There are some humourous moments - but only if you have a fairly dark sense of humour (ok so I laughed!) It's gritty and it touches subjects which seem pretty alien on the seemingly quiet streets of London. Guns. Drugs. Drink. Cars. War. The male pscyhe. I was transfixed but I was also slightly disturbed. You couldn't even say these were out of the ordinary blokes. I could recognise bits of friends in them. But the spree they went on for 3 days was enough to make you feel glad that you didn't live in LA. Mr Bale had some very brief swoon worthy moments. But towards the end when the true torture of his past caught up with him he became a decidely unattractive proposition. The thread between sane and insane is a thin one. It broke.

As I walked home at brace neck speed I felt moderately awakened. We are all seeking the same things - just appears they reach us in different ways - or not as the case maybe. Harsh Times indeed. Maybe I am just on vacant time.

I've gone..

..Blogger beta...and IE 7 Beta... call it research!

The Wonder Stuff

The Wonder Stuff. Miles Hunt. De Montfort Uni circa 1991/2.. seen and revered. I still have the pink ticket and a huge album sleeve poster somewhere at home in my Uni box of memories...

I had spent the sixth form 'A Wish Away'ing and being 'Unbearable' in the computer room ( I say computer room - it was an elaborate cupboard with very early pc's in it). My friend, Michelle and I would be listening on our walkmans - cassette walkmans. Start the tape at the same time and sing along...
THE EIGHT LEGGED GROOVE MACHINE - Digitally remasteredOctober 2000Red Berry Joy TownNo, For The 13th TimeIt's Yer Money I'm After, BabyRue The DayGive Give Give Me More More MoreLike A Merry Go RoundThe Animals And MeA Wish AwayGrinMother And ISome Sad SomeoneRuby HorseUnbearablePoisonTimes Will Change (unlisted track)

It's yer money I'm after baby ...Grin (it appeared on all exercise books :-))
HUP - Digitally RemasteredOctober 2000 30 Years In The BathroomRadio Ass KissGolden GreenLet's Be Other PeoplePiece Of SkyCan't Shape UpDon't Let Me Down, GentlyCartoon BoyfriendGood Night ThoughUnfaithfulThem, Big Oak TreesRoom 410

Don't let me down, gently... Can't shape up...

NEVER LOVED ELVIS - Digitally RemasteredOctober 2000 Mission DrivePlayFalse StartWelcome To The Cheap SeatsThe Size Of A CowSleep AloneDonationInertiaMaybeGrotesqueHere Comes EveryoneCaught In My Shadow38 Line Poem

Sleep Alone. Inertia.

Circlesquare. CD boxset. Leicester.

And so to University and Bina Bagga. We rocked along to these tunes. We felt then as if we didn't fit. Funny as I bounced around the room yesterday I still feel like a 'Circlesquare' and yeah I do choose to 'sleep alone'... don't make me 'Dizzy' though... just 'Caught in my Shadow'... right off to dig some tapes out and re-issue my Sony cassette walkman (with radio tuner no less)...

A week

with nothing to say?

Seems unlikely, yet for whatever reason I have lacked the inspiration or indeed enthusiasm to write a bean.

Today I at least managed to get up in time to go to the doctors at 9.30am. Grasped the day and went to do my grocery shop straight after. Missing the lethally wet showers.

Bank Holidays. Weekends. Days off. The problem when you place too much emphasis on your place of work is that the minute it stops you find yourself lost. It has been good to take a step back from the day to day. I have especially appreciated the fact of NOT having to battle on the tube. Not having to worry about my attire. About booking meeting rooms, organising an unenthused team, juggling projects which feel as if they are never going to end. The problem with having none of these to worry about is that instead you worry about everything else. Life. Where it is at. Where it should be.

I confess I have been feeling low. Out of sight. Yesterday I made a conscious effort to get off my butt and go for a walk. I ended up in HMV. I ended up buying cd versions of tapes and vinyl which I haven't had access to for years. I filled the rest of the afternoon/evening listening to the Wonder Stuff, the Cure, the Wedding Present and taking myself back to the sixth form and the days when the future lay before me. Whether I ever knew where I would be when I was 33 I doubt. But I am not sure I envisaged this.

My flat is suffering severe damp. Every room has an odd smell. Even my pillows are beginning to have 'that' hue.

'Put pay to what you say, put your money where your mouth is...'

So what have I learnt about myself?

I need to keep busy to keep vaguely happy - yet if I push too hard I end up feeling tired and all wound up. Maybe that's why for the last few days my teeth have been aching, my head aching and every morning when I wake there's a pain in my neck and down the side of my face. The joys of belated stress. I can also bet that come Thursday these aches and pains will have gone again. The vicious circle. And all the time I feel under par I really can't be bothered with anything. Dating, new people, old people etc etc. I long to be alone and when I am I scare everyone off and end up feeling isolated and forgotten. I am my own worst enemy. I have prayed for ex to call me. Almost willed him to visit. But I guess he knows me better than I know myself. So a week after my emotional weakening a solitary text message and a responding call I am no nearer working that one out. It was not helped by watchng 'Legends of the Fall' on Sunday night. My god Brad Pitt with long hair - totally swoonsome...oh yeah and the character - eeriely similar.


I suspect I need a new challenge. I suspect I need to get to the end of October and reassess everything.

mmm

Just excuse me while I drift off here...

Blackpool 1 Gillingham 1

From the haze of my hangover I heard the score Blackpool 0 - Gillingham 1 - and it was only 3.05pm. I suspected it wouldn't last, but at least we didn't lose.

On another note... where is Grent Sancho?

Hormones n Hugs

This morning when bumping into my ex I had this overwhelming desire to call in sick and slope off home with him. As it was I asked him meekly for a hug. And so it came. He didn't even hesitate. As my chin rested on his shoulder the familiar smells hit me. The sturdy frame and unwashed hair. I wanted to lean into him like that for eternity. It only lasted a few seconds but as we pulled apart my eyes filled up and I just wanted to cry.

I haven't felt this way about him for months. Whether this match making business is stirring with my confidence or whether its that time of the month when I am at my most vulnerable I don't know. In any event I composed myself and went to work, but my mind wasn't really there and my legs and back ached all day long.

I just needed to grab that pebble, those perfect moments that me and ex shared and have it all again. The purest moments which surprisingly were always the least extravagant ones. The afternoons on the sofa watching TV. The evenings when he would already be home and waiting for me - the way his eyes lit up when I got in. The true moments between us. The cup of tea he'd bring before leaving. The kiss I always got before he went to work. The sober moments when I know he was showing me his deepest sides.

The moments before the anguish and the shouting and the stubbornness we both had towards each other's requests. The sobriety before the drunkeness. The privacy between the two of us before his mates phoned or the rugby started.

I never wanted great displays of affection. Not yearned for houses or cars or expensive material items. Just someone to share things with. Someone to talk to - with - to be open and honest with. To be with someone who listened. And cared regardless. We stopped listening and talking to each other. We both pulled our separate ways until it snapped. Our differences became a gulf between us. The crazy thing really was that he always said it would. But I was smitten - my first love. And I made it work cos I believed it would. Eventually he felt the same way - and it was marked by a trip to Ireland, and then a wedding reception, and a memorable trip to Folkestone. We got home that weekend and both looked at each other when we got back knowing how great it was to be back in our home again together. But this moment was brief. I started to get less patient. I was crabby at work. I started smoking again. He got more comfortable and took more for granted. I got more miserable and became a hermit. Then I got angry. And the cracks became a gulf.

I don't hate him - I never will, though there are many of my friends who would say I should. But I'm not like that. I still care about him and in my own pathetic way miss parts of his character which I so admired. This morning was about holding the man I originally fell in love with, for those times before expectations were set too high and we were still learning about each other, and understanding that for all my good and precious memories there are several less pleasant ones. But life is short and I want to just share how important good memories are. He made me strong but perhaps for all the wrong reasons. Today I needed not to be strong and just for once to give him the pleasure of being the strong one.

Do we hurt the ones we love because we know they will always be there for us? Do we fall out of love just because we think there is something better over the horizon? What is love anyway? What's love got to do with it?

I needed a hug and of all the people currently in my life a hug from him fitted the bill perfectly. The lesson - hug the ones you love. It's a small gesture but it can make such a huge difference.

The Longpigs...

On and On...

Weird coincidence day. A friend who I haven't spoken to for ages was in touch today. A old flame from my Bristol days (how we met and our long simmering 'romance' is a post in itself) was chatting about life now and the usual catch up topics. Anyway before I left Bristol I made him some music tapes - yes cassettes not c-ds - and one of the songs on it was On and On my the Longpigs, a tune I have not heard for ages. Well whilst trying to plan my Team System presentation I was listen to BBC 6 music and they played the session version of the song - from 1995. It gave me one of those warm inward glows you get when a song takes you back to a time and place, and a person.

The thing with memories is that they are like precious pebbles on the beach. You pick them up and admire them and then place back. People from my past are always on my beach - and when you need to be reminded of past successes or indeed hurts they can be found. I have been wandering along my beach for a few days now, beach combing for ideas and direction. There are so many strong and shiny pebbles on the beach. Larger ones for the people who have played a greater part in my life. The rocks of my family and the shingle of people who I have known for only brief moments but connected with nevertheless. Underneath it all is the sand shifting on a daily, monthly and yearly basis. The seas wash over the memories and make them sparkle or dampen them because the present is far more exciting. Sometimes it is good to sit on your beach and pick up a pebble and just be heartened by what you learnt and felt.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

what a great selection of pictures... sure we all have our own seaside memories. Frankly I quite like Margate devoid of people! On a good day it is as good as any other beach I know...

Starfish

....

Millwall 2 - Gillingham 1

aargh.

Yet even via the web radio I could still hear the fine fans of Gillingham singing loudly (all 560+ of them)... no I did not go - the lure of 'True Passion, True Drama and True Football just 7 minutes from London Bridge' was not enough. (Has any one else in London seen those adverts?! Pah!)

Sounds as if Twiglet legs missed a one on one opportunity to leve and take us to extra time. So we lost. The old enemy won. I went to bed and drifted off to The Very World of Milton Jones with an Aussie flavour. Very funny.

Platonic..

'It's easy to confuse sex and love today. If you feel a strong physical pull towards someone, beware of acting on impulse. Otherwise, you could find yourself regretting your actions in a few days' time. This is especially important if the object of your affection is a platonic friend. You wouldn't want to destroy a perfectly good relationship for the sake of a meaningless fling. It isn't worth the emotional pain. '

Sometimes it is best NOT to read your stars. All my bl00dy friends are platonic - isn't that part of the problem????

Stiff gin and tonic please.

Then again - 'A good time for your love life because you can build bridges and make other people feel more contented. It's one of those sort of being-at-peace-with-the-world feelings and you want everyone else to be at peace as well. Though at a deeper level you are emotionally more secretive than usual. Only those closest to you will be able to guess what is really on your mind. You do want to dig deeper for better long-term answers.'

Better make that 2 stiff gin and tonics!! And 5 EPO tabs!

Bed time - yawn

Anchovy meeting 9.30am.. oh deepest joy. And I now have to decide whether to go to the New Den on my own... mmm in my state of mind/mood could be interesting! Good night city dwellers... may the frogs and spiders that are runnign around my house leave you all in peace.

Big Brother-less

As I walked along the Victoria Embankment I realised that tonight there would be no Big Brother to watch. The summer is therefore officially over. What would I watch instead? How would I cope without my daily dose of voyuerism? (Coped-Washing, cleaning, cooking, feeling generally dopey and knacked)

SO what did I get from the experience? My first full Big Brother? Well I learnt a lot about human nature. It's not really much different in there from out here. I guess that in real life it gets played out over a greater period of time. I noticed how my sympathies varied. I latched on to the humourous ones and wondered endlessly how many clothes they all had as I rarely saw the girls in the same outfit twice and on many days they wore at least two outfits. Also how did they manage to keep their tans so immaculate? Nails? Hair? Did any of them suffer from constipation? Why didn't any of them any talk about literature? Films?

The big thing I learnt - well whilst the camera was watching the house mates... Big Brother was also affecting me. I was only seeing what BB wanted me too. Only getting the side of the story BB felt I should. I was as much under the camera as the housemates. As they were leaving I felt saddened that I hadn't really learnt anything of substance about most of the housemates... why was Nikki so dramatic? Where did Richard culivate his humour? What subjects did Glyn do for A Levels? etc etc. Where were those day to day questions? How did they keep their underwear pristine white? How often did they wash their bedding?

I cannot say I will want to watch BB2007. For me this was a programme to watch alone. No interruptions. So I could make notes and think about it. For me it will be remembered as part of the heatwave - namely closing the windows sothat my neigh bours were spared the endless swearing and loudness. Now the windows are closed and the cameras switched off. Back to live footie on the radio and hopefully some decent BBC dramas/travelogues....

My body clock

is not happy at the moment.

I ache all over. I have just eaten as much fruit and veg as my stomach could bear and now I want to sleep for a week.... I am moody swinger from Hades. I had to physically count to 10 in Sava Centre. I just get periods of time when I can't be bothered/lose sight of what is important in life. There are not enough hours in my day and I wish I could meet someone who I can share some of the load with... but experience teaches me that even that won't make me happy... Am I trying to do too much?

I have got this wish at the moment to pack my bags and disappear for a month... no hassles. No bills. No public transport. No washing. Cooking. Cleaning. Just me a note book and a camera...

I'm sure some r n r will help.

To all those I may snap at on the way or worse ignore - please either ignore too or slap me.

Keep Kent Green...

...give everyone a caravan!!

This caught my eye as I was looking on the Beeb website to see how the test match finished...

I guess I should elaborate. I spent the weekend in Kent - both the green part and the grey part. Footie has been discussed. But Sunday was spent walking along the beach at Herne Bay - which to get to is through is via the greenery of Kent. The oast houses and poly tunnels. The sky blue and the sea on the horizon. Just looking out of my parents lounge into the garden. Its all green and pleasant.

I had a tops weekend really. Really relaxing. I didn't really have to think too much. Ma and Pa just took care of me. I in turn appreciate their company and especially the bonus of my mum having a tea time fiasco and causing me to laugh so hard I was in tears. How dad kept his poise and a straight face I do not know! Have a virtual hug the pair of you. It all gives me a warm fuzzy glow. Home.

Gillingham 0 - Northampton Town 1

And so the season gets on track... the same track it was on last season..the bottom track...

21 Gillingham 4 -3 3
22 Scunthorpe 4 -2 2
23 Crewe 4 -5 2
24 Rotherham 4 -2 -4

As for the game - the second half passed me by in a haze. I was watching it but not feeling it. It was like a TV on in the back ground. My mind was meanwhile careering off all over the place. People. Places. Men. Men I have known. Men I am yet to meet. And one of them keeps entering my head and making me freeze. Taking me back to a time or place. I am missing him. After all this time I am missing him. But I will keep it to myself. Full time. My dad in pieces. He raised some valid points - how have the club been allowed to sink so quickly? We held our own in the Championship - punched against our weight and now look at us.

The goal was a classic Gillingham cock up. Goalie and defender failing to take the situation into their own hands - so neither did - a bundle of players. A good knock off the line by Sancho and almost at the second attempt he kept it out again. Not to be. We struggled through the rest of the first half. There were a few hopeful moments in the second. But no. Even the pie family didn't show. Roll on Tuesday pm and the New Den!!!

And as I read the programme I can now inform you that Danny Spiller no longer wishes to be known as that - so please call him Daniel. Whether cheering him or as a few behind me where this afternoon berating him please call him Daniel. He obviously thinks he is a man now. There is only ONE player in the team who is my age or a bit older... ONE player born 1971... the rest all born some years after 73...scary!

A Reading List

Can anyone suggest books (fiction/bio's etc anything) that I must read as a matter of intellectual necessity? Or that I must read just because they are soooo good? I am preparing for a 24 hour flight as well so all ideas for that welcome too!

I am interested to know what other people recommend.

I am currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett and I am absorbed. Didn't see how it could unravel, but it has, and now I just wonder which of the characters is going to make it.

I still need an early night..

either that or my wisdom teeth are rebelling.... my head feels sore... eyes/teeth the works! Joy! And no it is not a hangover. Not had more than a unit all week. Maybe an afternoon nap under the table!

So tonight is BB final! I can't decide. Pete will probably win but I have a soft spot for Aisleyne..

And with the fair success of date #1 I have provisionally got 2 more on the horizon we'll call them #2 and #3!! Could I then go from having no hugs to so many I write tales of how am I going to choose? Who knows?!

Anyway I now have 2 games of footie to look forward to in the next few days! Northampton at home tomorrow and the Millwall on Tuesday pm! Come on!

Ok - more later!