Why does...

SavaCentre house its tinned fruit on the same aisle as all its sweets and confectionary... what chance has mummy got of getting little jonny to want fruit when before all that there are bars and packets of tooth decaying sugar fixes?

Harsh Times

In the spirit of being on leave I decided to do something I haven't done for ages - go to the cinema. A combination of rain and landlord and gas safety checks meant I had to go to the late evening showing. I guess my main motivation was 119 mins of Christain Bale to swoon over. Mm. Not sure that was the aim of the film and for large parts swooning was not really an option. I had no idea of the plot to be honest and so the digest that was 2-3 days in the lives of Jim and Michael on the less than glam side of LA's streets was not quite what I had in mind for my escapist trip. Do not go to see this film if you want fluffy and pleasant. There are some humourous moments - but only if you have a fairly dark sense of humour (ok so I laughed!) It's gritty and it touches subjects which seem pretty alien on the seemingly quiet streets of London. Guns. Drugs. Drink. Cars. War. The male pscyhe. I was transfixed but I was also slightly disturbed. You couldn't even say these were out of the ordinary blokes. I could recognise bits of friends in them. But the spree they went on for 3 days was enough to make you feel glad that you didn't live in LA. Mr Bale had some very brief swoon worthy moments. But towards the end when the true torture of his past caught up with him he became a decidely unattractive proposition. The thread between sane and insane is a thin one. It broke.

As I walked home at brace neck speed I felt moderately awakened. We are all seeking the same things - just appears they reach us in different ways - or not as the case maybe. Harsh Times indeed. Maybe I am just on vacant time.

I've gone..

..Blogger beta...and IE 7 Beta... call it research!

The Wonder Stuff

The Wonder Stuff. Miles Hunt. De Montfort Uni circa 1991/2.. seen and revered. I still have the pink ticket and a huge album sleeve poster somewhere at home in my Uni box of memories...

I had spent the sixth form 'A Wish Away'ing and being 'Unbearable' in the computer room ( I say computer room - it was an elaborate cupboard with very early pc's in it). My friend, Michelle and I would be listening on our walkmans - cassette walkmans. Start the tape at the same time and sing along...
THE EIGHT LEGGED GROOVE MACHINE - Digitally remasteredOctober 2000Red Berry Joy TownNo, For The 13th TimeIt's Yer Money I'm After, BabyRue The DayGive Give Give Me More More MoreLike A Merry Go RoundThe Animals And MeA Wish AwayGrinMother And ISome Sad SomeoneRuby HorseUnbearablePoisonTimes Will Change (unlisted track)

It's yer money I'm after baby ...Grin (it appeared on all exercise books :-))
HUP - Digitally RemasteredOctober 2000 30 Years In The BathroomRadio Ass KissGolden GreenLet's Be Other PeoplePiece Of SkyCan't Shape UpDon't Let Me Down, GentlyCartoon BoyfriendGood Night ThoughUnfaithfulThem, Big Oak TreesRoom 410

Don't let me down, gently... Can't shape up...

NEVER LOVED ELVIS - Digitally RemasteredOctober 2000 Mission DrivePlayFalse StartWelcome To The Cheap SeatsThe Size Of A CowSleep AloneDonationInertiaMaybeGrotesqueHere Comes EveryoneCaught In My Shadow38 Line Poem

Sleep Alone. Inertia.

Circlesquare. CD boxset. Leicester.

And so to University and Bina Bagga. We rocked along to these tunes. We felt then as if we didn't fit. Funny as I bounced around the room yesterday I still feel like a 'Circlesquare' and yeah I do choose to 'sleep alone'... don't make me 'Dizzy' though... just 'Caught in my Shadow'... right off to dig some tapes out and re-issue my Sony cassette walkman (with radio tuner no less)...

A week

with nothing to say?

Seems unlikely, yet for whatever reason I have lacked the inspiration or indeed enthusiasm to write a bean.

Today I at least managed to get up in time to go to the doctors at 9.30am. Grasped the day and went to do my grocery shop straight after. Missing the lethally wet showers.

Bank Holidays. Weekends. Days off. The problem when you place too much emphasis on your place of work is that the minute it stops you find yourself lost. It has been good to take a step back from the day to day. I have especially appreciated the fact of NOT having to battle on the tube. Not having to worry about my attire. About booking meeting rooms, organising an unenthused team, juggling projects which feel as if they are never going to end. The problem with having none of these to worry about is that instead you worry about everything else. Life. Where it is at. Where it should be.

I confess I have been feeling low. Out of sight. Yesterday I made a conscious effort to get off my butt and go for a walk. I ended up in HMV. I ended up buying cd versions of tapes and vinyl which I haven't had access to for years. I filled the rest of the afternoon/evening listening to the Wonder Stuff, the Cure, the Wedding Present and taking myself back to the sixth form and the days when the future lay before me. Whether I ever knew where I would be when I was 33 I doubt. But I am not sure I envisaged this.

My flat is suffering severe damp. Every room has an odd smell. Even my pillows are beginning to have 'that' hue.

'Put pay to what you say, put your money where your mouth is...'

So what have I learnt about myself?

I need to keep busy to keep vaguely happy - yet if I push too hard I end up feeling tired and all wound up. Maybe that's why for the last few days my teeth have been aching, my head aching and every morning when I wake there's a pain in my neck and down the side of my face. The joys of belated stress. I can also bet that come Thursday these aches and pains will have gone again. The vicious circle. And all the time I feel under par I really can't be bothered with anything. Dating, new people, old people etc etc. I long to be alone and when I am I scare everyone off and end up feeling isolated and forgotten. I am my own worst enemy. I have prayed for ex to call me. Almost willed him to visit. But I guess he knows me better than I know myself. So a week after my emotional weakening a solitary text message and a responding call I am no nearer working that one out. It was not helped by watchng 'Legends of the Fall' on Sunday night. My god Brad Pitt with long hair - totally swoonsome...oh yeah and the character - eeriely similar.


I suspect I need a new challenge. I suspect I need to get to the end of October and reassess everything.

mmm

Just excuse me while I drift off here...

Blackpool 1 Gillingham 1

From the haze of my hangover I heard the score Blackpool 0 - Gillingham 1 - and it was only 3.05pm. I suspected it wouldn't last, but at least we didn't lose.

On another note... where is Grent Sancho?

Hormones n Hugs

This morning when bumping into my ex I had this overwhelming desire to call in sick and slope off home with him. As it was I asked him meekly for a hug. And so it came. He didn't even hesitate. As my chin rested on his shoulder the familiar smells hit me. The sturdy frame and unwashed hair. I wanted to lean into him like that for eternity. It only lasted a few seconds but as we pulled apart my eyes filled up and I just wanted to cry.

I haven't felt this way about him for months. Whether this match making business is stirring with my confidence or whether its that time of the month when I am at my most vulnerable I don't know. In any event I composed myself and went to work, but my mind wasn't really there and my legs and back ached all day long.

I just needed to grab that pebble, those perfect moments that me and ex shared and have it all again. The purest moments which surprisingly were always the least extravagant ones. The afternoons on the sofa watching TV. The evenings when he would already be home and waiting for me - the way his eyes lit up when I got in. The true moments between us. The cup of tea he'd bring before leaving. The kiss I always got before he went to work. The sober moments when I know he was showing me his deepest sides.

The moments before the anguish and the shouting and the stubbornness we both had towards each other's requests. The sobriety before the drunkeness. The privacy between the two of us before his mates phoned or the rugby started.

I never wanted great displays of affection. Not yearned for houses or cars or expensive material items. Just someone to share things with. Someone to talk to - with - to be open and honest with. To be with someone who listened. And cared regardless. We stopped listening and talking to each other. We both pulled our separate ways until it snapped. Our differences became a gulf between us. The crazy thing really was that he always said it would. But I was smitten - my first love. And I made it work cos I believed it would. Eventually he felt the same way - and it was marked by a trip to Ireland, and then a wedding reception, and a memorable trip to Folkestone. We got home that weekend and both looked at each other when we got back knowing how great it was to be back in our home again together. But this moment was brief. I started to get less patient. I was crabby at work. I started smoking again. He got more comfortable and took more for granted. I got more miserable and became a hermit. Then I got angry. And the cracks became a gulf.

I don't hate him - I never will, though there are many of my friends who would say I should. But I'm not like that. I still care about him and in my own pathetic way miss parts of his character which I so admired. This morning was about holding the man I originally fell in love with, for those times before expectations were set too high and we were still learning about each other, and understanding that for all my good and precious memories there are several less pleasant ones. But life is short and I want to just share how important good memories are. He made me strong but perhaps for all the wrong reasons. Today I needed not to be strong and just for once to give him the pleasure of being the strong one.

Do we hurt the ones we love because we know they will always be there for us? Do we fall out of love just because we think there is something better over the horizon? What is love anyway? What's love got to do with it?

I needed a hug and of all the people currently in my life a hug from him fitted the bill perfectly. The lesson - hug the ones you love. It's a small gesture but it can make such a huge difference.

The Longpigs...

On and On...

Weird coincidence day. A friend who I haven't spoken to for ages was in touch today. A old flame from my Bristol days (how we met and our long simmering 'romance' is a post in itself) was chatting about life now and the usual catch up topics. Anyway before I left Bristol I made him some music tapes - yes cassettes not c-ds - and one of the songs on it was On and On my the Longpigs, a tune I have not heard for ages. Well whilst trying to plan my Team System presentation I was listen to BBC 6 music and they played the session version of the song - from 1995. It gave me one of those warm inward glows you get when a song takes you back to a time and place, and a person.

The thing with memories is that they are like precious pebbles on the beach. You pick them up and admire them and then place back. People from my past are always on my beach - and when you need to be reminded of past successes or indeed hurts they can be found. I have been wandering along my beach for a few days now, beach combing for ideas and direction. There are so many strong and shiny pebbles on the beach. Larger ones for the people who have played a greater part in my life. The rocks of my family and the shingle of people who I have known for only brief moments but connected with nevertheless. Underneath it all is the sand shifting on a daily, monthly and yearly basis. The seas wash over the memories and make them sparkle or dampen them because the present is far more exciting. Sometimes it is good to sit on your beach and pick up a pebble and just be heartened by what you learnt and felt.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

what a great selection of pictures... sure we all have our own seaside memories. Frankly I quite like Margate devoid of people! On a good day it is as good as any other beach I know...

Starfish

....

Millwall 2 - Gillingham 1

aargh.

Yet even via the web radio I could still hear the fine fans of Gillingham singing loudly (all 560+ of them)... no I did not go - the lure of 'True Passion, True Drama and True Football just 7 minutes from London Bridge' was not enough. (Has any one else in London seen those adverts?! Pah!)

Sounds as if Twiglet legs missed a one on one opportunity to leve and take us to extra time. So we lost. The old enemy won. I went to bed and drifted off to The Very World of Milton Jones with an Aussie flavour. Very funny.

Platonic..

'It's easy to confuse sex and love today. If you feel a strong physical pull towards someone, beware of acting on impulse. Otherwise, you could find yourself regretting your actions in a few days' time. This is especially important if the object of your affection is a platonic friend. You wouldn't want to destroy a perfectly good relationship for the sake of a meaningless fling. It isn't worth the emotional pain. '

Sometimes it is best NOT to read your stars. All my bl00dy friends are platonic - isn't that part of the problem????

Stiff gin and tonic please.

Then again - 'A good time for your love life because you can build bridges and make other people feel more contented. It's one of those sort of being-at-peace-with-the-world feelings and you want everyone else to be at peace as well. Though at a deeper level you are emotionally more secretive than usual. Only those closest to you will be able to guess what is really on your mind. You do want to dig deeper for better long-term answers.'

Better make that 2 stiff gin and tonics!! And 5 EPO tabs!

Bed time - yawn

Anchovy meeting 9.30am.. oh deepest joy. And I now have to decide whether to go to the New Den on my own... mmm in my state of mind/mood could be interesting! Good night city dwellers... may the frogs and spiders that are runnign around my house leave you all in peace.

Big Brother-less

As I walked along the Victoria Embankment I realised that tonight there would be no Big Brother to watch. The summer is therefore officially over. What would I watch instead? How would I cope without my daily dose of voyuerism? (Coped-Washing, cleaning, cooking, feeling generally dopey and knacked)

SO what did I get from the experience? My first full Big Brother? Well I learnt a lot about human nature. It's not really much different in there from out here. I guess that in real life it gets played out over a greater period of time. I noticed how my sympathies varied. I latched on to the humourous ones and wondered endlessly how many clothes they all had as I rarely saw the girls in the same outfit twice and on many days they wore at least two outfits. Also how did they manage to keep their tans so immaculate? Nails? Hair? Did any of them suffer from constipation? Why didn't any of them any talk about literature? Films?

The big thing I learnt - well whilst the camera was watching the house mates... Big Brother was also affecting me. I was only seeing what BB wanted me too. Only getting the side of the story BB felt I should. I was as much under the camera as the housemates. As they were leaving I felt saddened that I hadn't really learnt anything of substance about most of the housemates... why was Nikki so dramatic? Where did Richard culivate his humour? What subjects did Glyn do for A Levels? etc etc. Where were those day to day questions? How did they keep their underwear pristine white? How often did they wash their bedding?

I cannot say I will want to watch BB2007. For me this was a programme to watch alone. No interruptions. So I could make notes and think about it. For me it will be remembered as part of the heatwave - namely closing the windows sothat my neigh bours were spared the endless swearing and loudness. Now the windows are closed and the cameras switched off. Back to live footie on the radio and hopefully some decent BBC dramas/travelogues....

My body clock

is not happy at the moment.

I ache all over. I have just eaten as much fruit and veg as my stomach could bear and now I want to sleep for a week.... I am moody swinger from Hades. I had to physically count to 10 in Sava Centre. I just get periods of time when I can't be bothered/lose sight of what is important in life. There are not enough hours in my day and I wish I could meet someone who I can share some of the load with... but experience teaches me that even that won't make me happy... Am I trying to do too much?

I have got this wish at the moment to pack my bags and disappear for a month... no hassles. No bills. No public transport. No washing. Cooking. Cleaning. Just me a note book and a camera...

I'm sure some r n r will help.

To all those I may snap at on the way or worse ignore - please either ignore too or slap me.

Keep Kent Green...

...give everyone a caravan!!

This caught my eye as I was looking on the Beeb website to see how the test match finished...

I guess I should elaborate. I spent the weekend in Kent - both the green part and the grey part. Footie has been discussed. But Sunday was spent walking along the beach at Herne Bay - which to get to is through is via the greenery of Kent. The oast houses and poly tunnels. The sky blue and the sea on the horizon. Just looking out of my parents lounge into the garden. Its all green and pleasant.

I had a tops weekend really. Really relaxing. I didn't really have to think too much. Ma and Pa just took care of me. I in turn appreciate their company and especially the bonus of my mum having a tea time fiasco and causing me to laugh so hard I was in tears. How dad kept his poise and a straight face I do not know! Have a virtual hug the pair of you. It all gives me a warm fuzzy glow. Home.

Gillingham 0 - Northampton Town 1

And so the season gets on track... the same track it was on last season..the bottom track...

21 Gillingham 4 -3 3
22 Scunthorpe 4 -2 2
23 Crewe 4 -5 2
24 Rotherham 4 -2 -4

As for the game - the second half passed me by in a haze. I was watching it but not feeling it. It was like a TV on in the back ground. My mind was meanwhile careering off all over the place. People. Places. Men. Men I have known. Men I am yet to meet. And one of them keeps entering my head and making me freeze. Taking me back to a time or place. I am missing him. After all this time I am missing him. But I will keep it to myself. Full time. My dad in pieces. He raised some valid points - how have the club been allowed to sink so quickly? We held our own in the Championship - punched against our weight and now look at us.

The goal was a classic Gillingham cock up. Goalie and defender failing to take the situation into their own hands - so neither did - a bundle of players. A good knock off the line by Sancho and almost at the second attempt he kept it out again. Not to be. We struggled through the rest of the first half. There were a few hopeful moments in the second. But no. Even the pie family didn't show. Roll on Tuesday pm and the New Den!!!

And as I read the programme I can now inform you that Danny Spiller no longer wishes to be known as that - so please call him Daniel. Whether cheering him or as a few behind me where this afternoon berating him please call him Daniel. He obviously thinks he is a man now. There is only ONE player in the team who is my age or a bit older... ONE player born 1971... the rest all born some years after 73...scary!

A Reading List

Can anyone suggest books (fiction/bio's etc anything) that I must read as a matter of intellectual necessity? Or that I must read just because they are soooo good? I am preparing for a 24 hour flight as well so all ideas for that welcome too!

I am interested to know what other people recommend.

I am currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett and I am absorbed. Didn't see how it could unravel, but it has, and now I just wonder which of the characters is going to make it.

I still need an early night..

either that or my wisdom teeth are rebelling.... my head feels sore... eyes/teeth the works! Joy! And no it is not a hangover. Not had more than a unit all week. Maybe an afternoon nap under the table!

So tonight is BB final! I can't decide. Pete will probably win but I have a soft spot for Aisleyne..

And with the fair success of date #1 I have provisionally got 2 more on the horizon we'll call them #2 and #3!! Could I then go from having no hugs to so many I write tales of how am I going to choose? Who knows?!

Anyway I now have 2 games of footie to look forward to in the next few days! Northampton at home tomorrow and the Millwall on Tuesday pm! Come on!

Ok - more later!

I need an early night...

...so I am here b4 10pm with a view to being asleep by 10.30!

I realised today that I have lived with 3 ladies called Gill over the past x number of years, use the word Gill in my web name! (Fairy_Gill!) And erm support the Gills. Is this a weird underlying theme in my life that I have been denying..?

Oh and I have a match.com 'date' tomorrow evening...which feels sort of odd.

I feel a trite nervous, apprehensive and in my head have thought of billions of reasons why it will be a nightmare... only time will tell.

I should know it only ever goes one of two ways - I mean how many times have I dabbled in these waters..

Guardian Soulmates - fairly successful (Millwall Matt and Vice Cop) maybe if I hadn't clarted off to the US for three months one of them would have grown into something. Still remember meeting Matt at the RFH. It was a Sunday back in 2000. It was such a brillant first date. We walked, we talked, we laughed. We kissed at London Bridge. Wow. It's moments like that, that keep you going.

Then my Lycos ventures. They were entertaining. Some very much more so than others... meiow. And I have met people who are genuinely tops blokes. Sadly Cupid's zing hasn't always been vested on these meetings.

And now, 6 years on, here I am again, feeling less youthfully naive and wrapped in inertia. I am happy on my own - why upset the status quo? Oh yeah I WANT A HUG now and again.

I guess I liked the fact that when I got an email from this guy it made me smile. Which can only be a good thing.

Doppelgangers...

Do you ever get that? A phase in your life when you think you are seeing someone you know but in actual fact it is their doppelganger? At present '40pence man' is haunting me by way of doppels. I know it's not him - he nevers goes sarf of the river.(Thames) But imagine a cross between Moby and John Malkovich and you're on the same page as me. The jacket and canvas bag with a longish strap.. walkman and way of walking. They seem to be everywhere. I know that's not really the case.. just feels that way today and for the last few.

Which is kinda of better than thinking you have seen people you knew at Uni and have lost touch with, for whatever reason, but you know if you do meet them they will have so much to tell you about their lives. I have several suspects in this category who I think I see and am then relieved its their doppel.

I wonder if anyone has seen my doppel, and I do not mean Condie Rice!

Tonight...

I have really enjoyed the programme about Cornwall and Sir John Betjeman -

'Betjeman and Me: Rick Stein's Story'
'Rick Stein pays a Cornish tribute to Britain's most popular poet on the centenary of his birth. He visits the beaches, cliffs and estuaries that inspired so much of his poetry and creates a seafood feast for friends and family of the great man.'

Not sure Rick was the best one to sing his praises, in fact I only really watched cos I was intrigued by the Cornish scenery. It evoked so many memories of child hood holidays and reminded me how even back then I liked to walk and think along the cliffs. Talking to myself - in my own little world. Feel I have something in common with John. Seeing the train chug through Dawlish - well it was childhood and chats from the weekend all rolled into one. So I have a mission now - to read some of his poems!

The train now standing at platform 5...

... is the delayed 2.02 pm train to London Paddington Station...

yes the train back to grey London was delayed by initially 32 minutes rising steadily to 44... at least the people on the platform were chatty and replied to my dead pan retort to the tannoy system and at least my seat in coach E - which guess what, was the Family Carriage(oh deep deep joy) - was reserved. Shame a bloke had fallen asleep in the seat next to it and was tipping into seat 10. Thankfully the nice young man in the seat opposite let me take a pew next to him opposite my reserved ticket. And coach E is right next to the buffet coach - so there was a steady line of people in the aisle and the food, well it smelt burnt...so I had my double whammy pet hates - screaming kids and the smell of not very tasty food all under the same roof!

Riding through the green of Devon - the farms and the clear sky I studied as much as I could pack in.. soon enough the housing estates and factories came into sight. London was wet. I had missed the best thunderstorm and I didn't care. I felt relaxed and refreshed...and hoped I had been witty and chatty enough.

Devon knows how they make it so creamy!

I got to Exeter St David's in one piece and was greeted royally by Baggy and a hug! Gus (the car) and Rob drove us back to No 8 (address still not known!) Where upon I caught up with Kezza and was watched as I scoffed a very large and lovely portion of chicken n courgette lasagne! Yum! Much gossing and another large glass of supremo fizzy Banrock red later bed loomed large... or at least it did once hairdryer, integral foot pump and good old fashioned puff had been utilised!

Saturday morning I awoke at 9ish and ventured to the kitchen for a cuppa. Finding Radio Five I could keep myself amused and do the washing up - but man, what a view from the kitchen window....

The upper most field provided the closest I have been to the Archers for a while. A changing of the farmyard guard! First the geese, then some ducks and a goat and I'm sure there are other creatures who head for that end of the field.... oh yes there was a man with a camera? or was it binoculars? - either way persons leaving the shower should be aware that all items will be searched by out door trekkers! (There were no curtains in the bathroom and to be fair I imagine 99% of the time no-one is ever out there - just today with the city girls in town there was! The Mirror or Sun do you think?)

We had bacon butties for breakfast. I have to say Rob is a tops notch cook! A gem indeed! (You will find that food is a theme of the weekend! :-) )
We were eventually dressed and ready to go by 2pm. The first stop Dartmoor - and waterfalls... except Canonteign Falls charge £5.75 per adult to view it - so being the tight fisted generation we are - we refused. Unbundled out of car to re bundle back in.

Cars. I had forgotten what being a passenger in a car is like when one has not been in a car for ages let alone in a car on the curvy wurvy roads of the Western counties! I had a few phases of feeling decidely green! I am sure it was car sick ness and not some weird response to the rather blue conversations we were having!

Anyway country roads aside we headed instead for the beach and Exmouth... from whence you should be able to see Weymouth and Torbay. We saw Ice Creams and Cafe! Yummy!

The Beach at Exmouth...

Ladies wot love an ice cream.... with a huge heap of clotted cream atop!

Me, Kezza and Baggy!

After ice cream there came the cafe.. and sea gulls and half time footie scores... !! Chips beans and cheese and buttered tea cakes with pots and cups and cups of tea.. bliss. The sun shone the donkey ride went up and down the beach.

We returned to the car via the Exmouth Cricket Club, a game in full swing and and open invite to all passers by to pop in for tea n cake. We resisted. A walk had been mooted. A walk from the car to the pub!! The Nobody's Inn.. where the discussion was teatime delights over a rather swell pint of Nobody's Ale.

We drove back to No 8 - despite the lull in our liveliness ie we all fancied a weekend afternoon kip - we braced ourselves for a chinese take away!

The thing I realised about the weekend was that socialising is about enjoying the basic joys of life - eating and drinking. (oh yeah and talking about sex and celebrities!) Baggy and Rob have a great social magnet - a kitchen table (oh a cat called Waterproof!) which you can sit round and talk about anything and everything. And this we did. The simple things. The pace of Devon life is so much slower than London. I knew that but I kind of had to readjust my sense of normal to get a real sense of what I was enjoying. Yeah it would have been great to go for a walk/swim/cycle. But it was just as good to sit and read Ok! Magazine, Glamour, Now and pull it all to pieces (girls - you'll be pleased to know I completed the set, as there was a Hello! magazine on one of the tubes home! they all use the same photos..... ). The simple thing of being with people you can talk too and equally in a period of silence there is no awkwardness. I think when you live alone you forget the joy of sharing a thought or naff joke (I have many!). For me - Baggy and Kezza represent the only girlie group of friends I have had for most of my adult life in that there are 2 of them whereas generally I tend to keep girl friends one to one. It's good for me to realise that well hidden part of myself and not feel overly stilted. No doubt each will disagree when they read this!!! Then again they now know too much about me!! LOL!

Definitely given me a taste for the western counties again! Defintely good to catch up with friends and share opinions and goss! So thanks to Baggy and Rob for having me and to Baggy and Kezza for making me feel like I have found something I never thought I would ... (Now! magazine!!! ONLY kidding!!)

Bradford 4 - Gillingham 2

Half time joy, full time despair.

I wasn't there but I am sure the second half was a mare to watch. From the bits I have gleaned our goalkeeper is carrying an injury. Bodes well.. not!

When is a reserved seat...

not a reserved seat?

When its the 7.03pm Paddington to Penzance train! I don't think I have ever witnessed such scenes when travelling by rail before. Even when on a packed train to a game of footie. This was an all out stubborn/arrogant fest.

Imagine the scene; the cavenous station that is Paddington; the arched ceilings and intricate framework that IKB designed and built all those years ago; the thronging noises of city dwellers escaping for the weekend. Imagine the inward train a few minutes late. Imagine then announcement that Platform 2 was the Penzance train.

The crowd bundled its way through the gates. It was every man for himself. I nonchalently kept to my usual fairly speedy pace secure in the knowledge that I had a seat reserved.

FOOL!

This particular train, being late in, had not been reserved ticketed beyond coach A - the first class coach - you know the really busy one.. so my seat was occupied. Coach C was heaving. I mean heaving - made the tube look like a gentle OAP trip. So I found the nearest empty seat and sat. And kept quiet. Menawhile all around me were engaging in varying degrees of pleasant conversations along the lines of 'You are in my seat. I reserved it. I want it now' and 'There are no reservation tickets and I am entitled to sit here. I travel on this train everyday. I pay a grand a year to use this service. I am not moving' Much huffing and excuses of, 'I have children' - but 'I have a large bag' - 'no problem love I'll happily move your bag for you.' I remained silent. Then a Young Lady asked for her seat. I simply said I would move but my reserved seat is taken so I am staying here. Not very helpful I know but physically there was nowhere else to go. She, unlike I would have done gave up, and wedged herself back along the coach. I sat. Blood boiling. I could see my 'reserved' seat. I could hear the ructions taking place behind me. And to the side of me and in front of me.

We pulled into Reading and the loud arrogant gits who claimed a right to their seats even though they were clearly reserved got off. Good riddance. And thundering down the coach was Young Lady. 'I need these seats. Please move.' I was happier to move now that the general idea that reservations outweighed first come first seated. No worries. So I got my ruck sack and duly headed for seat 5. Whereupon I said Ok I reserved seat 5 - here's my proof please could I have my seat. The girl behind in seat 3 was so scared she offered up hers. Then the chap in my seat said 'This one?' I nodded. He left with little fight. He'd seen the carnage all around.

Young Lady needed seat so that she and husband could be united at Reading. He with a bunch of flowers which she shrugged at, and him with a bag full of books that she then moaned about cos he had put them on the overhead shelf. So glad I helped their marital bliss.

So I did get my seat. Eventually. But I have never before witnessed such rudeness and general selfishness. It was moderately entertaining watching everyone's reactions. There is no humour any more. No hint of irony or flexibility. I agree it is very annoying when you have reserved a seat not to get it. But I paid no more for a reserved seat. If the train companies don't manage their seating properly then it will be a lottery.

Or a fight club. We don't talk about that.

Yet in the grander scheme of things - it wasn't really that important. Not like being bombed by missiles or on an exploding plane. Where had the compassion for fellow man gone. One bloke stood all the way to Tiverton, a whole 20 odd mins in a seat before getting off at Exeter St Davids. AND to be fair the guard on the train didn't dodge the issue - he found space in other carriages for people to sit. All in all an experience!

Wonder what the return trip will be like?

TFI...BB

:-) Friday at last!

My main concerns - will Imogen get the boot? Or will Richard?
And will Grace re-enter the house for the final week? Or will it be Mikey? Can they cope being parted again?
Or will Lea beat bookies favourite Nikki?

Is it relevant?

YOU DECIDE!!!!

Flat..

It struck me as I cleaned the pesto from my teeth last night that I felt a bit like a flat football kicked to the back of the garage. No one to bounce off of and no-body about to kick me out of the corner.

The good news is as ever that really there is never any good news - there is merely news which can lift you from the baseline.

I guess have been struggling with some emotions that I cannot front out the way I normally would because of distance, time differences and personalities involved. Emotions that for hte most part I have had to keep silent over for the better good. Yes I do think too much and use words in ways that others find overwhelming. But the whole point of being human is the increased intelligence we have to communicate more effectively. This is a thinking and feeling thing for me. Rare huh!

I know it will pass. It always does. The course of least resistance. Mm.

Anyway this morning the news is wall to wall security at the airports. Full moon and a Thursday. Once more proving how fragile we are when the material things we take comfort from are snatched from us. Can't say I would be overly amused if I had been on the way out to Oz today! Maybe its time the shrunken globe reflated itself and accepted that being sedentary can be as fulfilling as nomadism.

So my aim for the day - work hard and let the hours fly.

My 200th Post

and this is it ...

thanks Mozz for the idea!

Brighton 1 - Gillingham 0

And so the bubble bursts.

Mind you after the c*** day I had at work I cannot say I am surprised. Suspended Northern Line made me late. I then spent all morning dealing with support calls, feeling totally unsupported. Keep smiling I told myself. Raging. My own work drifting off into the apres noon.

Thankfully a solid pasta lunch and 4 wickets in the cricket bouyed me up to get through the afternoon. Just. It dawned on me that the only reason I like my job is the people. Well some of them. Most of them are out of office. Except for the GeeMeister. Got home at 8.15pm. Joy. Think the walk did me good.

Big Brother - what the devil. No real surprise to see the plastics back. Let the fireworks begin.

And then the Gills lost.
Brighton 1 - 0 Gillingham
J Robinson 66
Bookings:D Hammond 46 Bookings:K Jack 66


All in all another spanking Tuesday! Oh and its a full moon tomorrow - so we all know what that means.

hey ho at least I am all booked up and ready for my weekend in Exeter! Mmmm clotted cream!

Au revoir mon aimee.

This Charming Man...

.....Mozzquito.....coasting?

Gillingham 2 - Huddersfield 1

COME ON YOU BLUE BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gillingham 2 - 1(0 - 0) Huddersfield
M Jarvis 56 D McDonald 66 G Taylor-Fletcher 80
Bookings:D McDonald 82 Bookings:N Clarke 39D Adams 79A Holdsworth 81

All in all a heartening opening game for the season. Apart from the last 15 minutes when we seemed to go off the boil and could easily have lost the game we were far more organised and dare I say it exciting than many of the games I sat through last season. Matt Jarvis had a blinder - and scored the first goal - he should have had at least two. Then new signing Dean McDonald made it two. We looked like we were going to cruise through to a massive victory. But there have to be some hangover moments from last season I guess. The referee had a pretty good game - resorting to cards only when really necessary. Huddersfield were a team to fear last season - but we held them to a nil nil draw at their gaffe on my B-d and beat them at home during our 6 undefeated run which saw us safe. It may only be the first game of the season but if this sets the tone for the next 9 months then my initial reticence may need to be re-thought. It always feels good to win - but my head knows how fragile the leads and wins can be... Good start though! So a big grin from this ST holder. Let's hope it lasts! Puts us 4th!! So much for my negative predictions with Swansea Jack on Friday pm...

1 Chesterfield 1 3 3
2 Port Vale 1 3 3
3 Cheltenham 1 1 3
4 Gillingham 1 1 3

Football Season 2006/07

The new season started today.. Saturday's are now priority to GFC and all other events depend on their on importance...it can wreak havoc with the social life.. ha ha. That assumes I have a social life.

So at noon I am having my usual panic before leaving the house... I opt for my royal blue vest top and pin my Gills badge to the right hand side. I have a book, camera and walkman. Tubes - fair to middling get me to Victoria Stn. Then bedlam looms. Why oh why oh why are there not enough machines/ticket windows open? The queue says 15 mins wait. I only have 15 minutes before my train leaves. So I join a queue sprawling out from a man with a hand held ticket machine. I choose the queue with a few people in front of me - but each wants to hear the time table receited.

Patience on match day is not my forte. I do though get my zone 3 - Gills return and head for Platform 2.
Seated I reflect...

What drives me to go? I have little hope for a season full of cup wins and promotion. The club is financially holding on by a shoe string and the new signings - well I reserve judgement until I have seen them. It's like a relative has got married and there are now a whole lot of new family members to suss out. Give them some space and see how they do is the best policy to start with.

There are a few Huddersfield fans on the train - but even fewer Gills ones - they went down earlier no doubt to pick up tickets. I plug in some music. The train is heaving. Lots of noise and smells of fast food. The sun beats through the window but the air conned train is cool enough. We arrive at Gillingham Station. It doesn't change much. There are no police at the station and very few fans hanging around outside. We lost police at the station status when we dropped to Division One. (I resent that, face the facts kids we are in Division THREE!) I begin to wonder if today is really the first match of the season. I wander down the road...

Balmoral Road is no different. If anything after the break I notice the run down peeling paintwork and litter much more. The dog's crap on the pavement. The unwanted sofa's in the front gardens. The rubbish spilling out of the bins. There is no singing and apart from the view of the floodlights you would not even know there was a game on. The house on the corner of Balmoral has finally released its tennants. Can't say I am surprised. Amazed maybe that the structure is still in tact. For visiting fans this is not exactly the garden of England view that Kent likes to promote. It's not posh. It's not exactly well kept - but it's the way the Medway Towns are. Devoid of an industry it relies on the commuting masses to bring money to the area. The streets are quiet. The few kids which are about strutt down the roads without a fear in the world, some even in Chelsea shirts. Grr. I stride on. I did not grow up here, but the walk to the ground is like a home coming. So many highs and lows felt up and down this stretch of Medway concrete.

The walk into Redfern Avenue is always heartening. The away team coach safe in the coach port. The fans in the club shop, queuing out into the street from the ticketing offices. The Blues Rock Cafe. My dad waiting for me in his summer time Gills shirt. Sunglasses replace bobble hats and scarfs. Here we are again. The relentless faith - or pointless hope - I can't decide. The next 90 minutes could go either way. You never know. We are not Chelsea. Victory is not guaranteed. We have no super signing on the pitch or on the bench. But we have the Rainham End. We have 'the Last Waltz'. We have 'we are the Middle... the left side ... the right side Rainham End'. We have a belief - a commitment to our team. We have Matthew Jarvis. Twiglet legs Mulligan. Ian Cox. Mr Sanchos and new boys. How will I feel not having Jason Brown in goal? It won't be the same. But a few wins and you know what its all forgotten.

The same old crew sit in front and to the side of us. One of the twins turns up. Says hello as ever. The family in front let the 2 daughters scoot off at 3.40 for their half time grub. The pies have shrunk and they are not impressed. So they return for two portions of twiglet sized chips. The annoying blokes from behind us did not appear. Instead a family with small kids. The boys singing shrilly. Somehow that is preferable to constant swearing, belching and to be honest mindless talking about anything except the game. At least the young lads seem to be getting behind our boys. Again how long that will last I know not.

So here we are again. Row Q Block A.

The weather will change. The crowd will swell and dwindle depending on the results. The pies may get restored to last season's order. The opposition will bring a few fans or it will fill the away end. The ref will be a W****** or a genius. The team will have highs and lows. Injuries and transfers. The manager will be a Barmy Army leader or he will be taunted and wished out.

I guess it's all these things which drive me. Their predictability etched with complete and utter unpredictability. It's only a game - but it's my game and come sun or rain I'll be there - observing from seat 23. Watching the game. Watching the fans and feeling the ups and downs as keenly as all those who are the middle rainham end. And the feeling when we score...? well if I have to explain it to you, then I suspect the entire post has been wasted on you.

UTG.

Paris - cont'd

Friday morning our meeting was put back until noon so we went the short walk to look around the base of the

Arc De Triomphe...

The detail is incredible - as is the sheer size of the monument. You don't truly appreciate it until you are bang underneath...

La Grande Arche

We then went for a wander down a rather famous Avenue!

Meeting at noon, prototype signed off, champagne popped and drunk and then a Chaud Devant meal... and a taxi to La Gare du Nord for the 2.45pm Eurostar back to Waterloo.

Not sure why but every time I go to Paris I fall in love with it a little bit more...

Paris

Thursday morning starts well, I mean I am packed, on time and raring to go, then the Northern line hurls its fury. We wait at Clapham Common for ages. We gently saunter into Kennington and the number of people there waiting for a tube is horrific. Its 8.25am. I am supposed to be at the Eurostar terminal at 8.30 for a 9.09 train...

I squeeze on the tube, which is unlike me and with a laptop and ruck sack it is literally a squeeze. But I am at least on time. Check in and walk to the first carriage of the train! It starts well but the seats on the 2nd class end of the train are not very comfortable and there is minimal leg room. So when king of the hill sits opposite you, you either bash each other's knees or loop your toes round your ears. Not amused. Taxi from Gare Du Nord and off we ram raid our way to Avenue Kleber. Cabbies in Paris are a 'entertaining' method of getting from A to B. Meeting room. Lunch. Meeting goes very well. We finish at 6pm Paris time and head off to hotel. Quick shower and change for dinner! Before we head back to the office we take a quick wander to the Trocadero, the Palais De Chaillot, Musee de L'Homme and some landmark called Tour Eiffel! As you can see the English summer did not leap the Channel on this day...

Back the office by 7.30pm and then out to Cafe Brassic for beer, red wine (chilled Gamay - delicious and Corbiere), plus a feast for a king. At midnight we relocated to the Bar I'Homme for some more beers and a really fun evening. Hotel by 2am.

My only advice - always make sure you alter your alram clock forward by an hour - other wise you will over sleep....

Oh and the good news?!

That's for me to know and you to find out!!!

Suffice to say I like myself at the moment - cos I guess other people do and have actually told me so. And I for once accepted the compliment(s).

And to make sure you all know it is still me - all these postive vibes - bound to spell a massive grey spell!

That said catching up with various ex-work mates has been good fun! So cheers Dicko and Vaughany! Also Swansea Jack and the Gee man! That juke box rocks!!

:-)

Good to know I made an impact somewhere down the track!! Next week could also pan out to be very interesting!! I need a good date!! And who knows.....?

2 days to go...

until season beginneth...!

We lost to West Ham on Saturday 2-1 but then super Teddy scored. Which is fine by me!!

Paris Ahoy!

Tomorrow morning I am off to Paris to seal the deal on a project I've been working on for the last 4 years - well ok this meeting is about the last 4 months and our application of the new Software Development Lifecycle. A project which has got energy and enthusiasm back into the bones. So Eurostar tickets, passport (JUST!!) and some spends and a night in a Hotel...

The saga of the passport? Well in order to pick up my Gills season ticket I gave my dad my passport on Sunday so he could pick it up for me. Which would have been fine except clearly I need it to get across the Channel tomorrow...!! So after a hot sweat and some choice words we opted not to use the postal service and instead a friend of a friend met me at Vic Stn yesterday and passport was once more mine! That and Dad successfully got my Season Ticket.. it doesn't take much to keep me happy!! More news on the away day very soon!

Paternoster

Sunday was a 10 mile walk day.
Ma and Pa came up for the day, namely to go to an exhibition of aircraft paintings at the ICA on the Mall. So I met them at Victoria and started our day of walking and sight seeing!

The weather was considerably more conducive to walking the streets of London. So we meandered through St James' Park and played 'tip the tourist off the bridges across the lakes'. Bridges. Water. Equals must take a photo no matter what! So we ploughed through them. Children not looking where they were going. It was heaving. So we were glad of the peace and quiet in the gallery. The paintings were on the whole really good.

Across the Mall into Traf Square and over the roads to Golden Jubilee Bridge, Westminster side. Wagamama's Waterloo and then a long overdue walk along the Sarf Bank! The was a WalkAid event on and we were going against the flow - but even that didn't stress me out. Tate Modern. Took Ma and Pa into the Turbine Hall to see some more art!! After the Tate we walked across the Millenium Bridge and studied the Peter Ackroyd display on the bridge floor and along the walk ways. The Thames - history and importance. Interesting to see that Ponchahontas is buried in Gravesend.

Across the bridge to awesome sight of St Pauls. We poked our head round the door but there was church evensong about to start - and the bells were ringing out. It was splendid. So we went and sat in the all new Paternoster Square.

Paternoster - We discussed this word as we sat in Paternoster Square. Me with tales of the paternoster in the Attenborough building at Leicester Uni and then just generally as we surveyed the surroundings. Mum looked up the word on Google and sent me the results (she's getting good at this Interweb thing!) " 'an elevator which consists of a chain of open compartments' or indeed in latin another word for 'The Lord's Prayer' So I suppose that makes sense as it is right opposite St Paul's Cathedral and it has lots of ins and outs! Useless information but non-the-less really important!!" No Mum I think your input into this entry is to be applauded! I then took them to view my office (how droll!) and then Cock Lane; Smithfield Market; Farringdon Road and in search of a pub back to Fleet Street. The Tipperary the first open pub so we took a pew and had a shandy.

Falling asleep was the greatest risk now. So we opted to walk back to Victoria. Along Fleet Street, onto Strand passed Somerset House, Charing Cross and through the corner of Trafalgar Square to Whitehall. Good to see Lord Nelson defrocked of his scaffold and plastic coverings. Passed MOD building, Downing Street and round the end of Horseguards Parade. Then a trot through St James' Park back to where we had started the morning.

Confirmation if any were needed that this city rocks!! I have some photos but they won't load at the moment... boo.

Paternoster Pix

A few piccies from the 10 mile hike I took my folks on on Sunday...St Pauls and Paternoster Square...

Oh and...

Gone fishing!

This is a quick jot to kill a few minutes before going to do battle with the tube. So the longer I leave it the better. Yes it has at least cooled down and I can walk fast again - but don;t fancy it with a laptop in tow - more of that later....
Lack of blogging down entirely to my exciting and packed life!!!! Seriously I have been a tad busy with the odd social gathering - however I am intending to rectify this later this evening. There is a fair bit of news... all good and all of which has given me a huge buzz this week.. and it's only Wednesday! So for now my friends - keep :-)