Four real reasons why dates disappear...

You can have the greatest first date ever, but then they drop off the face of the earth. Here are four reasons why...
It’s something many of us on the dating scene have encountered – the ideal first date, followed by…nothing. Not a word. They’re punctual, take you to a great restaurant, you have sparkling conversation and then after saying goodnight, they disappear off the face of the earth.

This is something that happens all too often it would seem, and the hardest part is that there’s apparently no reason. It’s much more understandable if the date goes badly, or if you simply don’t like them. Here are four reasons why your date may have disappeared – and why you need to stop beating yourself up about it.

1. They’re emotionally immature
Most people have emotional issues and baggage but everyone still wants to appear as ‘normal’ and happy to the outside world as possible. Think about it – often meeting someone you like is much harder (and more pressured) than spending the evening with someone you’re not bothered about. Your date may have had a wonderful time, and told you so, but as soon as they’re alone in their flat the niggling doubts start. What if she didn’t like me as much? What if he’s seeing other people? And in the end, they decide that it’s not worth the hassle or the heartache to get involved.

Why your date doesn’t just tell you this is a whole different story – and one you can probably figure out for yourself.

2. They like you too much to mess you around
Some people are players. A few years ago, this article would have been written solely about men, but these days we have to acknowledge that women are game players too. Players date lots of people at the same time, and manage to make them all fall for them. They’re not necessarily terrible people, they just don’t want to settle down yet with a husband/wife and children.

The player tends to prefer a date who gets what their game is; otherwise it all gets a bit messy. If you’ve spent the evening with a surprisingly charming, attractive date who promptly disappeared, then chances are that you met a player. He or she disappeared because they like you too much and realised it would be unfair to subject you to their shallow charms.

3. They faked it
Faking it is surprisingly easy. Serial daters often have an idea in their head of the kind of person they’re looking for. If you don’t fit that pigeonhole then mentally they will say, ‘S/he’s just not [insert adjective] enough’ and try just to have a good time, finishing the date with minimal drama.

Yes, they could be rude or obnoxious, but they know that’s not going to get him anything but grief. It’s not that your date is faking enjoying your company per se: they’re faking that they want to see you again. Not that that’s much of a consolation, but bear in mind that if this is how they are on your first date it’s unlikely you’ll want them around for much longer anyway

And as for why your date doesn’t call and tell you this – see point number one.

4. They like you, but not enough
We don’t go on dates to make nice friends. We go on dates in the hope that we’ll find an emotional and sexual connection with someone. If you and your date manage to have a nice conversation and hold hands at the end of the date, that doesn’t really relate much to the emotional and sexual connection we’re talking about. It may take a couple of dates to work out there’s no real connection, despite the fact that you have a good time. In this case, you really are just subject to what your date thinks constitutes two people having a future.

The crux is that if a date disappears on you, it’s often a blessing in disguise. Most of the time you’re having a lucky escape from someone who would do you no good in the long term. It may not feel like that at the time, but you just need to get back on the horse and get out on another date.

And one final thing…
We know these reasons are all well and good, but they’ll still be prompting some of you to ask why your date couldn’t just have had the courtesy to call you and explain. How much of an explanation you’re entitled to really depends on how long you’ve been dating. Two years down the line and you deserve a personal explanation. One dinner date, and really you can’t expect anything. If you’re unsure, here’s the rule of thumb for this etiquette:

1-3 dates: Nothing
4-7 dates: Email or phone call
7 dates or more: Face to face

There must be other reasons... inappropriate length of skirt perhaps? Bad hair day? Too forward in one medium - too backward in another medium... a paradox on all levels... too scary? too intellectual? too soft? too independent? too humorous? too considerate? too too too ... I think that is about as cross as I can get! Note I have decided it was all down to me...

So I am to be thankfully for an email...protocols..hmph..I'll never understand them.. wish someone had explained! wish he had said more not so little. Am just so CONFUSED! and still slightly hurt..

Other useful words of advice...

What it means if he doesn't call

Doesn't return calls

Red blooms here!

Week ahead...

Week 9th May - Generally the indecisive outcome of the British general election makes a fine fit for the current spell of Mercury Retrograde, when the communications planet is backsliding in the sky; no clear outcome, last minute reversals of voting intentions, people locked out of polling stations, blurred messages about inter-party negotiations, and everyone sitting around awaiting closure. As the current catchphrase has it: ‘The people have spoken, but no-one is sure what they said.’

Plus, we are very likely to see a re-run, a fresh election, at some point in the not so distant future.
Intriguingly, Mercury was retrograde during Britain’s last hung parliament in 1974. A minority government ensued.

Mercury coming to a halt on Tuesday looks likely to coincide with the formation of a new government. Most of us should give The Messenger a day or two to turn round and get up speed, however, before we consider the last (interminable) three weeks of Merc Ret are over. Come the new Moon on Friday (at 1.04 AM GMT) it’s time to play catch-up. A new Moon in Taurus is also the signal to plant crops and flowers, seed creative projects and turn to amorous pursuits. Now is the month of Maying…

Capricorn
You may not recognise April and May as a period of leisure, but compared to what came earlier in the year, and what rolls round after midsummer, this is something like easy street. Even if you are grafting, it’s creative acts and artistry that are favoured by current planets. Make time to prioritise your pleasures; Friday’s new Moon is a launch pad for whatever you hold dear.
Whether in work or in personal terms, there are a few more twists in negotiations to come, but where partnerships are concerned, the air is finally clearing. Not before time.

Your Week Ahead starting Sat, May 8: Close the doors. Shut the windows. You will not keep out the air. Few and far between are the buildings in this world that do not ‘breathe'. Turn off the TV, the radio, the phone and computer. Will that isolate you from all the other people on this earth? If anything, it will make you more sensitive. You'll have more time to listen to your deepest feelings and fine tune your inner antenna so that it picks up the subtle psychic signal of the zeitgeist. Don't waste time building barriers this week. Open your mind, your heart and your imagination. If you're sensitive, you'll soon see a wonderful way to set about building bridges instead.

Weekend

And here we are again. Boy has the weather been naff this weekend. Grey. Cold and drizzle. What happened to those warming days of April?

Yesterday was a day of 2 halves (minor pun intended).

I got up early-ish in order to duel with London Transport and meet my friend Baggy who was up from Exeter (which again in a cruel twist in this missive) at Paddington Station at 11.20. Whilst waiting a Gills fan clad in shirt and scarf walked by - I shouted Good luck and explained my lack of ticket plight. He was enthused that we had sold our away end allocation and sprinted off with purpose. Part of me felt jealous - another part relieved that with the rain and chill wind it would be a different end of season experience for me.

I then found Gill and she & I wandered around the Paddington Basin and found Edgware Road station and headed back into town for a stroll and some fodder. She took photos on the tube of Kenton - the namesake of where she now lives - which coincidentally is also on the Bakerloo line. We got to Embankment and headed to the South Bank. Some wanton Elephant Parade pix and then some lush Waggamamas. It being a Saturday it was full of families and my bag narrowly avoided low flying noodles being misplaced by a toddler in the seat next to me! No low flying beans on this trip. Afterwards we headed along the river to Westminster Bridge - for some reason it was very popular place to be. Across the Bridge avoiding the tourists taking photos of our great as yet unfilled Parliament buildings we headed back along to Embankment and sniggered at various odd coach names parked along the road. We headed up to Trafalgar Square - protesters angling for free votes and a system that worked. Then onward up Charing Cross Road - to Tottenham Court Road and the demise of the Astoria. Another building site and empty void where once something of great history stood. On up towards Goodge Street and Paper Chase for a Nero's coffee and continued chat. It's moments like these that I miss. My good friends are all asunder across the country and just sitting and exchanging stories and absorbing a trusted friends insight face to face is precious. All the time I wondered if my lack of things to say was a reality across the board and not just with virtual strangers but also with friends of 15 years plus. And if it the case then it is perhaps down to me to have more things in my life to talk about. We had some laughs and also meandered through varying family crisis's and at 3.20pm we said our goodbyes on the Northern Line. Baggy headed for Colindale and I back to Waterloo. Though I got out earlier so I could listen to the radio and pick up the latest football scores.

Once at Waterloo I got on a train. At this point we were drawing 0-0. Tranmere were winning and Exeter were losing. As my journey continued Exeter equalised and we conceded. It was not going to be a stress free afternoon. Once at Wimbledon I walked back towards home. A friend rang from the pub offering company. I could not sit still so kept walking until safely home. By this time Gills has conceded two more goals, Tranmere were 2 up and Exeter were still drawing. we were safe. Then as I settled down with a cuppa and final score the worst happened, Exeter went ahead with minutes to go. Huddersfield needed to score again but it was not to be. So based on our poor goal difference and lack of points Gillingham were relegated.

I rang home. Dad and I rued our season of missed opportunities and wasted games. He was in a tizz because the ash cloud was threatening his departure for the States Sunday morning. I chatted with Mum and we said our goodbyes.

Then another call from the pub - my friend from Zim, lets call her Cherry, wanted to know if I was coming out for a drink. I decided it was better than sitting and mulling over relegation and other things so toddled up to the pub. Drinks - Twenty-20 cricket and some disco dancing. Not too bad from my point of view but all around friends and couples I know where slowly getting more drunk and more self destructive. Everywhere there are people mis-communicating and hurting other people. Just before midnight I said my good byes and sauntered home. Bed.

Bed. Bed. I did not want to get up this morning. It was still grey and the reality of the last few weeks keeps hitting me hard when I wake. Add to that football woes - which somehow seem less of a concern right now - and sleep is a refuge.

I did get up to make tea and toast and listen to The Archers. Well sort of - think I kept dozing so need to listen to the podcast in the week. I also got a text from Mum. Dad's flight cancelled so he has re-arrnged flight for tomorrow. No doubt that has him more uptight. Then for Desert Island Discs I had a shower and cleaned bathroom. It was Fay Weldon and I was struck by her views and ideas - I could relate to some of them and it got me thinking about the writing course I have seen. I must sort that out once pay day hits. Changed sheets and generally re-organised the bed and bath rooms.

At 12.30 I got ready for the Grand Prix. Large soya milk coffee and cosy jumper. A call from Cherry checking I was ok - but I rather feel it is her that is suffering most at the minute.

The Grand Prix was quite a good race - but Lewis Hamilton must be seething to have gone out at the second to last lap due to a puncture. Once it was over I put on a few more layers and headed out for food. I got it into my head I wanted a curry! So I pootled to Sainsburys and purchased a meal for one. Nice.

Home - food - whilst listening to the end of the Premiership season. So Chelsea are winners. Who cares? They have enough cash as it is..

My NCFC friend Ziggy texted to check my footballing mood. It was very sweet of him and when I said thanks for thinking of me - he replied that it was because of my kind words to him this time last season when his team got relegated. That made me smile inwardly - I'm not a bad person after all. Funny how football can be my biggest enemy and yet also my greatest friend.

Just caught up with Casualty. More trauma and heartache. And now I am waiting for Doctor Who on Beeb 3.

And there as they say goes another weekend. It's still in my head you know. Wondering. Questioning. No matter how busy I am its just always in the periphery. Grr. Damn my head. Damn my heart.

Well the week ahead promises some respite. Off to see Camilla on Tuesday and then Mum is visiting for a few days - to look after me and beat some sanity into me - I hope I let her.

Discovered...

A real good website today - to get me off my rather large butt and out into the world - volunteering... I could start helping people in my local area and find a whole new side to myself.. watch this space!

Pop tastic!

Sat and watched I'm in a Rock n Roll Band last night - awesome! Got me toe tapping and craving for something other than Madge on my the MP3 - mind you she has been helping me bop along the pavements of London for the last few days.. upbeat etc. So this morning Joy Division. Nothing upbeat there! 'Don't walk away in silence'. Atmosphere. Transmission. She's Lost Control. Again!

Oh the reference reminders I have had so far today... a full list by end of play!

Time for change

Man there is something really good about clearing up the work space around you. My drawers had notes in that were as old as the last time we had a General Election. So with drawers complete I can move on to Project folders which lets face it are everywhere. Two cupboards worth, a filing cabinet and then there are the ones on the window sill.

Not sure if this is in prep for moving office (again) or prep for something more fundamental. Either way there is a great sense of de-clutter. I like it.

As for the Election - so Tory boys not as popular as you thought...couldn't even manage a straight forward victory....

What it means for the country though worries me. Economy... jobs... world peace.

But it means that much like the FA Premiership it's not over until the fat lady sings... not that I care too much about the Premiership...BUT I do care about League One on tomorrow. Sadly unable to get hold of a ticket I will be pacing the floor and listening to Internet radio.. Hartlepool were deducted points which makes it more interesting in the bottom places.. but they are to appeal so they may get points back. Nothing is certain until 5pm tomorrow.

Come on Gills... finally get an away win!! Please!!

Ode to April 6th, a Tuesday

Election day

No blues thx

The view

Yesterday

Some chap walked passed me outside work and asked if he was going the right way to Mile End.. of course he was.. but from here Mile End is a bit of a trek...

I said Yes Mate - you are, but its a longish walk (well not everyone goes at Karoona pace/distance) Unperturbed he put his head down and said not a problem..and off he scuttled. I wonder if he got there? Or when?

This was akin to the morning conversation with the city gent who wanted to know how a wet latte was different - I advised it had less froth, more milk and cost the same as a normal latte. A convert!

Once completing my mission with Elephant Parades I assisted a lady who once out of a taxi then fell backwards over the kerb outside of Waterloo. She was a little embarassed but its even worse when everyone just keeps walking by..

Then I got home - settled in for Enders, Holby and the rather good Luther - I do like an intense crime fighting detective show set in London.

Oh yes.

See!

Nelly the elephant & chums

Invade streets of London!

Rest of garden!!

Flowers bloom

Bank Holiday Monday

Why is this day so slow?

I got up and went to Sainsburys at 9.30am. Returned. Hung out washing. Went back out for a 1 and a half hour stomp. Via Homebase for some petunias. Starbucks. The queue was long with mothers and babies. I couldn't face it. So left. Home. Hoover. Shower. Home made milk coffee and breakfast. Watched Eastenders on iPlayer. Listened to some footie.

Planted petunias. Which was not easy as I had assessed it would be pre-purchase, as the pots were already a tad full of daffs and lilies and hyacinths bulbs. But I got there eventually! So yellow/orange lilies with red petunias and some violet blue petunias for the bathroom window sill. They looked lovely last summer.

Rang my mum. She has been worried about me. I am not sure what to say to her. Or rather where to begin. It's not that I want sympathy I don't - I just want someone to tell me why. Give me answers and no-one but he can. I may have a long wait for those too. So in lieu of that I want to be made to feel better about myself. I keep walking and typing in the hope I will do.

Face it, the last thing I needed right now was to be alone for 2 days to pace, ponder and brood. I have tried to keep busy but there is only so much cleaning/cooking and walking you can do. So I am fretting still. Shaking still. Forcing food and avoiding alcohol. There was a brief moment this morning when I woke - when everything was beautiful, but then reality flooded my head and it all felt pointless again. Agh. So some writing may help. It has in the past.

It shouldn't hurt like this. 3 dates - 3 months of amusing chatter. A small amount of time in the long term scale of life. But it does. It was 3 months of really trusting someone - of sharing with each other some of our fears and quirks. Private and personal things that you don't just blurt out for the sake of it. Making plans for the summer for heavens sake, did I dream that?

Now I feel like a unwanted Christmas present. Everywhere I go - reminders. Dr Who 'Spoilers'. Motorbikes. Snowboarding continuing in Scotland. Black mini-coopers. Cougar Town posters. Jokes we had shared. Reactions to rude people had been spot on. The Daily Mail. Parts of London. I shared all my favourite places and now I can't see them without thinking of him. I had advanced so far in allowing someone in. After so long of keeping people at arms length. I just want answers - proper ones. Explanations so I can be sure that it wasn't ALL wrong/bad... that I wasn't all wrong/bad.

So I have in my usual way been deconstructing the 'curse'/ gamble / convenience of Internet dating... I know how it usually works - which is probably why I have had such little success! (Placing an ad in Soulmates in the Guardian in 2000 was far more interesting.) Until recently. Generally my Internet dating has been fairly patchy. When I did it a few years ago I got as far as talking via MSN. Never texts for some reason. Thought a person was fine and then met to discover - Nada. End of.

So this latest episode has got me re-thinking about the whole deal. It's akin to online shopping and perhaps something catches your eye so you ask for a delivery. You can sit in the comfort of your home. In your routine and life and look. Then you see/read about a person or 'parcel' that you like. We've all become more sophisticated in our use of the Net and the communication tools at our disposal. Let's face it now the site has updated you can be onlining chatting in moments. With a stranger.

You may contact the seller first to check, via their website and you may if want to share more of your personal details to converse beyond the website and in the wider Internet and even one to one via the mobile phone - and you may even talk to the seller over the phone before any delivery is made.

I had never completed these steps before. This time I was investing. Or was I just more in tune with what are now modern day accepted practices? We closely guard our privacy but get online dating and suddenly everything is accessible as you choose it to be.

So things move along. The package will arrive and you each suss each other. If you are lucky the package will be close to what you were hoping to receive. If you are really lucky it will be more than you had hoped for (I fear my parcel when it arrived was indeed far beyond my expectations. I was truly swept away.)

Then you have a choice. Perhaps catch up with the parcel again or return to sender. In the past it was sent back - by mutual preference. I have been lucky - no lingering. Meet. Nothing. Finish. Move on. You pretty much know after the first delivery. When you open the door and see face to face who you have been connecting with prior to that. If you know - you know.

So in a turn of events more contact with the office to re-arrange a second outing.

Again. A great parcel to share for a day.

More office contact and arrangements.

A third delivery.

You can only wear an outfit once before taking it back.

Perhaps with Internet dating you can stretch to 3 wears before you take it back and change it. Or maybe I have just been very unlucky in the past and one wear was enough. On maybe when I did it before I didn't limit myself to one parcel - I juggled. Gees too busy/tiring to do that now! Or just maybe this latest experience was new for other reasons.

I did not know how to handle the third delivery. What pace was I supposed to go at? Was this a pandoras box or a poisoned chalice. I wish I had spoken to the delivery boy and asked for advice....

The truth is you can log back in and see what else is in the store. Your may also learn some tips from your previous parcel. Places to go. Places to see. You can set your expectations a bit higher and return to the pool to seek out perfection. I don't think you do find perfection on-line. Actually maybe you do - you do find perfection online - but then reality comes crashing in. Virtual world life is marvellous because the bits you don't know about you fill in for yourself. And being human we tend to gloss it in our own head to be our idea of perfection. It works. The very real risk of meeting is that you lose that connection. But meeting and not breaking that connection is then made all the more brilliant. Meeting and wanting to continue the virtual and still meet face to face is truly marvellous. There are then several threads binding their way together. You can share observations and know the other would see it that way too. You feel able to text/email at any time of night or day. You start to forget about the sales website where you started all this. You start to really show yourself - beyond the 1 dimensional virtual person that email and texts can afford you. I suspect the question is then of timing. Get on well virtually so meet as soon as poss. Kill it before it consumes you if that is to be the case. Or proceed with caution. I live alone and don't need the hassle of someone who may turn out to be a bit odd. I proceeded with caution. I wanted to be sure. There were a few nerves but once I was stood waiting that first time I was v excited.

Ultimately though the power of modern communication is at one its instantaneous-ness and also its ability to be switched off. Walk away. Not necessarily facing or hearing the answers/reasons you need to settle and move on. All or nothing. People cull friends on FB for example - would you do that to someone you see day to day? Or even someone you don't? You may have a row or just quietly lose touch - but cold heartedly cull them? I'd prefer to only accept friends who are actually people I consider to be friends... doh!

Part of me would love to go shopping once more on that sales website - but I am not sure what is on sale anymore. Pain? Fear? Virtual whatever I fancy? There were a few others interested in my profile. But none that I was vaguely prepared to be so open with. None that made me want to call the office. Then I ask myself why was I there at all? Oh yeah - I wanted to meet people. Which I could do by getting out from behind my PC. SO is it laziness? Possibly. Though this time I was enlivened. My head hit pillow - 'life is good' as opposed to 'what is the point'. Or perhaps for me it was the element of safety. I could switch off if no-one was interesting to me or indeed interested in me.

If in the past every connection had been so naff why was I putting myself through this again. Because I could be as involved or detached as I wanted.

But what was it with this person that made me want to be more involved? Ah yes I remember, honesty. Initial resistance. In fact his 3rd email to me did inc phrase F...off. Hey I liked the spirit and it was later explained as a spin off of working night shifts. But note the number 3 again. Motor sports. I'd seen motorbikes that morning. It was in his profile. He had marked me as a favourite without ever talking to me!? That' show weird the internet is (makes us).

But there was enough in common to interest each of us and enough not in common to allow for individuality. Oh and there was that cute smile and sexy eyes. I had no expectations that I would get to be too much me with a n other. We emailed minor novels to each other. Exploring ideas and emotions and observations. It was great. My blog went begging - why write to a void when you can write to a respondee?

But back to the analogy. When you return items to the store you have to give a reason and sign a piece of paper.

Likewise when you decide you don't want to see someone again - despite the previous few months of fun - you can send an email which covers your side of the story. It does not guarantee a dialogue and negates the need to call someone and let them hear you say it. Its that bit that hurts. At the very least that what's we had earned from each other. A novel to say goodbye - I would prefer the real life version for that moment.

So I think it all through. I wonder if work patterns, new arrivals and general hectic lifestyle were the reason. Or was it me - being so tongue tied face to face and yet so free in other ways. Scare someone off. Confuse them.

These are things that in real life you work through. Perhaps we both overwhelmed each other. Perhaps I really am a boring conversationalist.. (answers on an old fashioned postcard!)

Or was it that the sales website had something better to offer? And how do you know if its better? The basic facts of reality don't change. Do they?

I really liked him. I liked him and had enough faith in it to tell people. People who did not want to hear it.

People were commenting on how happy I seemed to be. I was - not only had I met someone who I wanted to make time for - I was also reminding myself of the inner confidence and humour I possess - I was meeting me again.

Now I am left with a sense of emptiness. As if I have been duped. I want to rest easy again. I just want to hear it...and I don't want to turn crazed weirdo in my quest for that!!

My you've grown!

Since then...

Turned

off my phone and only came to PC after 9pm. Been sleeping lots today. Restoring some balance perhaps. Been reading some interesting books too. And also made a dent in my journal. Actual writing. For only the second time this year.

Watched the MotoGP and had a variety of emotions throughout. Then watched the rest of the Sheff Wed/Palace game and once it finished I spotted the rain had eased so went for a stomp. To keep head and heart healthy.

Home. Come Dine with Me. Doctor Who and then here.

Here to retrace some steps and ultimately discover that I had made a mistake. But it got a reaction. Curious.

Warhol on TV at the moment.

Do you know it rained pretty much all morning and into the afternoon. Grey and dank. And the wind, yuk. Like winter was returning.

Yesterday was all a bit manic. Up early fro work. Work. The a mad dash to Kings Cross. There were no buses or tubes so a very brisk walk was needed. It was blazing hot in London and bright. In Kent it was grey and cool. The game was pretty good - we won - which is a minor miracle. But Tranmere beat Millwall so we are still not safe. It had a deeper sadness as the final walk round for the season took place. No more football until August now. A summer of weekends with no predefined purpose await me. The book I have been dipping into is helping me to draw together an agenda of ideas. Things to do etc. First up - install Office and sort out CV. Book that proper holiday - the one where I go away with a group of strangers but see fabulous things. A friend wants to do the 3 peaks challenge.. I am tempted. It appeals to me. I have also said I'd go see Camilla in May.

Football in one way keeps me sane and gives me a social life - but in other ways keeps me excluded from other forms of social life or interaction. When others are doing x I am off wherever the Gills are - and sometimes that brings with it a very positive spin off - catching up with friends across the country. More often than not it means my weekends are short and that the Saturday evening out is practically unknown. Though I did go for a beer and dance last night. That did not end so well. I mean dancing in MBT's is quite dangerous!

So today has been solitary. A state which I was comfortable with in February/March. Have I changed that much cos of recent events? Why does being on my own suddenly freak me out? And does it really - or am I just not understanding that I am hurting and therefore need to learn once more to be more myself to heal again. I can't afford to spend every night in the pub escaping with a pint and the company of others. This last week I have done that every night bar two. (Monday - swimming/Thursday - walking) The rest of the week craving noise and distraction. It worked. And then it didn't. That too has consequences. On the whole it was fun though but was only a plaster to cover what I was feeling underneath.

Today has been OK despite the weather. I have let my brain come down a gear or two. Ceased my fretting. Just relaxed a bit. Let those thoughts that want to enter my head. Enjoyed the thought and perhaps allowed a little hope to twinkle still. I can't make the mistake of bottling it and moving on in a cold hearted/pig headed way as per usual. I have to try and face it. A conversation to finalise it would help me immensely - but I may have to get used to the fact that that is not going to happen. I am sad. Don't run from it - face it and grow.

Sleep is good too.

Bank Holiday Monday. Mm. I have plans for some shopping - food. And perhaps to buy a suit which fits. I wore my new dress to work on Friday and felt good - my friend said it looked really amazing. A huge boost. It was a tad short but it fitted a treat. And bearing in mind the scene I had to face on the doorstep of work Friday am - I was glad to have dressed as if the day was important. Grr. It was. The day before merge. Which happened yesterday, and now I work for Hogan Lovells. New firm - same seat!

But tomorrow is a Monday that I don't need to get up and go to work. That has to be a bonus. And sun is predicted though not warmth! Hey ho.

May... May be better...

Astrology is in part an attempt to describe the quality of time. We have another ten days of Mercury in reverse, so don’t expect time to do anything but crawl; in fact, make the most of the indecision – once the new Moon of 14 May arrives, events move into hyper drive.

Lucky Days: 2, 3, 12, 13, 21, 30
Yucky Days: 10, 11, 17, 23, 24
Fashion Icon: Kate Moss
Colour: Poppy
The recent upheaval in your romantic and creative life should be settling back to a simmer now that Mercury will be going direct on 11 May. Most of the turbulence was due to the usual communication breakdowns, misunderstandings and other annoying miscellany. With the arrival of the New Moon in your love department on 13 May, you can let bygones be bygones and truly clear the way for sparkly new opportunities. Pleasure takes precedence over pragmatism for the next few weeks so don’t fight the feeling. And then Venus enters your relationship sector on 19 May to deliver the sweet icing on cupid’s cake. Lastly, the Full Moon in your sector of dreams, spirit and the subconscious on 27 May will bring a whole host of revelations to rock your world for the next six months. The truth will be delivered this May—and thus you shall be free. Uranus bursts into your fourth house of domestic affairs on the 27th as well, so this is going to be one interesting day. Mark it on your calendar and try not to push the buttons of anyone that you live with, lest you start an explosive row.

If you have a super-powered project on – pretty likely if you were born near Christmas or in 1980/81 – then keep the pressure on and show endless patience when you are obliged to do chores twice over. As for the rest of you, while it’s improbable you’ll be putting up your feet (a Capricorn’s work is never done, as we all know), May is a fine time to be engaged with whatever parts of your life aren’t work, whether it’s overhauling the allotment or starring in the Am-Dram production. Some indulgent attention to your intimate/romantic life is also in order. You’ll be back on the treadmill soon enough, later in the summer.
The waning Moon in your skies today (Sunday), Monday and Tuesday should help put a bounce in your step.

Your Monthly Forecast: The right things are happening for the right reasons. If it doesn't seem that way to you, it can only be because you have the wrong expectations. Perhaps you think everything ought to be easier. Or, in some strange way, more difficult. Perhaps you are nervous of something good in case it leads to something bad. There really is, though, no need to feel anxious or uncomfortable. Saturn's opposition to Uranus - which, in turn, forms a conjunction to Jupiter - tells us that you're going through a positive, life-changing process. Even if life seems intense at times, in May, your experiences can only combine to bring eventual lasting benefit.

Your Week Ahead starting Sat, May 1 - Love Focus: Feeling thwarted? Exasperated? It's worth remembering this week that natural checks and balances subtly operate in all our lives. While this might seem frustrating at times, it's a good thing to be aware of if you are thoroughly fed up with a problem that seems to be lasting forever. You are running into some difficulties at the moment. They are impeding your progress and creating a sense of frustration. Nothing, though, will stop you from eventually getting what you really need. And, in a strange way, some of your recent obstacles will yet turn out merely to have helped everything to proceed at the perfect pace.

Who are you? What do you want? Sorry to start your week with such an intense interrogation, but while you need not answer to me, it is important to ask yourself such questions. We make enormous assumptions about ourselves. Sometimes, we think we are capable of almost anything - sometimes, we see ourselves as woefully inadequate. None of us, though, really know what we may be able to do until we try. What's holding you back now, is not a physical or material limitation, it's a misplaced expectation.

Last home game goodbyes

New day. Same name!

Word(s) of the day...

'dorcus mallorcus' - indicating a dork of the major variety.

hey that's me!

Thanks Planetface - cheered me up!

Learning Curves

Do you know - today I actually feel quite bright about things. Very tired mind you. But brighter.

The tempatation to torture myself with re-reading emails and texts and re-thinking moments and associating items with him is sort of lurking in the back ground - but I have a sense that in actual fact while I may have lost something that had the potential to be very good - I have also gained a really strong sense of facing up to many other things and finally letting go. The unnecessary trauma and self induced drama I have added, to what should have simply been two people meeting each other and getting to know each other at a pace that was comfortable, has not helped. The idea of normal seemed to be a notion I could not handle.

I wanted it to go wrong - cos that's what I am used too. And when it did, it hurt. But it put me back in control. Which is where I always feel safe. Let me revel in my anguish.

Assume the role once more of victim.

So different outputs require different inputs.

My friends have contributed greatly with the opinions and views. And just by listening without inflicting judgements.

So perhaps I need time to just be myself and be on my own? Give myself time to heal and come to terms with the past so that next time someone sparks an interest I can start fresh and not be tied up with the old emotions. The distraction for the last weeks took my mind off the more immediate pain and probably let me deal with much more soberly than otherwise I might have done. I suspect I would have been quite vindictive had I not been so delighted with the attention I was receiving from an other source. I did though think I was ready to move on. I just didn't really know where that was!

'no one can give you self esteem and certainly not a man. think of the positives - you are bright, beautiful and funny, fit and healthy, you are in a well-paid, interesting job, have your own space, outside interests, fantastic friends(!)....the list is endless. so, go easy on yourself, and give yourself time'.

I hope he doesn't think ill of me. I don't of him. Very little anger. Just regret. I do miss the messages and banter though!!

So

last night I learnt yet more about myself and my current fate.

I got an email suggesting that 'perhaps' we had run our course and that when face to face we had little to say to each other. I try to rationalise it by admitting my nerves. The fear of the unknown and trying not to do something that would ruin it. Of course by being this way - quiet and reserved, tongue tied - scared in fact - I have managed to do exactly what I was trying to avoid. There were no angry words. It was all very adult and honest. A hint of not quite sure but nevertheless the words on the page - for me finally to hear what I had thought since last Monday - 10 days ago in fact. I then spent a good 3-4 hours replying. Well he said I could. No matter how much I tried to justify it/defend it, his decision has probably been made. And my reply will probably convince him I am a mess and no amount of proving out the positives of our connection will remove his doubts about the reality of our face to face contact. Why continue with the paradox that is me when he can find someone new and carefree on Match.com. Although I can't help wondering if a few more phone calls might have helped greatly. Its easy to be considered about typed words. Its easy to see answers in hindsight.

I finally went to bed at 2am and had a fitful sleep. When I woke it really hit me. It had ended. The amazing high of the attention and finding someone who shared similar views. Someone who held no complications. Who did not have to be covert. Someone with whom there was potential to share things and grow. Gone. Gosh I'll probably never ride pillion now. And MotoGP's will once more be solitary affairs. And London Bridge station a reminder of how to pillage your own future.

This morning I consider myself an emotional mess. I have spent the last 3 years keeping quiet over a relationship that was destined never to be - due to his circumstances and because we work together. He has found someone new - and seeing them together cuts. I was there to help him work himself out and now he has left me with nothing. It took him nearly 2 months to tell me. Dangling me like some worthless piece of string. I buried the whole lot of that and very few people are even aware it was happening or indeed how much it has affected me day to day.

Meeting someone new who was removed from all other aspects of my life offered an opportunity. A way to rebuild my shattered esteem. Perhaps not fair on him as he had no idea where my head was at when we met. Not sure I was either. I just wasn't used to the space that he gave me. There were no 'rules', no boundaries. No reason to be secretive. It could be anything. And I have just never had the experience of getting to know someone and it turning in to something more. I was slow and cautious to start with and then I went into totally over the top mode. And pushed when I should have just relaxed and let things happen. Overwhelmed by this new scenario. Clinging on for dear life! In the past when it may have been a natural progression, I have removed myself from the scene - going to the US curtailed the chance to live that experience at least once. Other relationships have just been because of the random, drunken way we first got together.

So where does this leave me. Bruised. Inward. Wondering how I pull myself out of my self made sump. Not knowing which bit to deal with first. I am hardly eating and my sleep patterns are all over the shop. I want to cry. I fear that a silly thing will cause me to snap. Let everything flood out finally.

Coming to work is a trial but it gets me out of the house. But everyday is a reminder of the cheapness of words.

A month ago I was on cloud 9 - now perhaps I need to dial 999.

This week...

Capricorn

Accept that there are go-slows, volte-faces and plain idiocies over which you can exert minimal control. Mercury is in backward spin and planets elsewhere likewise highlight conditions that are inconclusive and (apparently) insoluble. Wednesday’s full Moon further ratchets up the atmosphere, not least in your emotional life, where you are also getting no straightforward answers.

All that said, you are actually in a strong position, able to review your long term strategy, recruit valuable people to your cause, and give the cooking pot a stir. Big fixes come in a couple of weeks; the earthy delights of spring come first.

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Your Week Ahead starting Sat, April 24: There are big implications and repercussions to the choices you are now making. Just as it is important to be strong and clear, it is essential to be open-minded. This week's opposition of Saturn and Uranus brings a big drama to a head. For some while, you have been trying to make sense of a situation that has baffled you. You still don't fully understand it - but, for all that current events are intensifying your confusion, they are bringing you the insight you need to see how a complex situation fits together. As long as you're willing to learn, you'll find out what you need to know. Then you'll be sure of making the right choice. Week Ahead Part Two - Love Focus: Something big has been bugging you for a while. You've been working hard to understand this matter. The more you try to make sense of a complicated issue, the more perplexing it becomes. That's because you are actually dealing with something simple. You are looking at it from too many different angles. You are questioning too many factors. This week will bring clarity, comfort and comprehension. A penny will drop and a brighter picture will emerge. While you wait for this to happen, keep an open mind - and try to be patient with someone else's strange behaviour. What looks like a problem... need not be one.

My trousers

are too big...

Come on the Gills

Why I went to WW...

This picture was taken on 17th December 2004 at my brothers graduation in Canberra. I dread to think why I thought that combination of clothing was flattering. 12stone plus... I had had a fairly traumatic year and the Christmas of dreams down under was not exactly as w had planned.. anyway out of all that I got a resolve... and this year I went for the final push.. 25lbs lighter I look and feel totally different...

Me - last May...

Had forgotten

how therapeutic just sitting and writing was... it has been a long while since I just sat and wrote about things. The start of the year was so fraught. And the last couple of days I have slipped back into some sort of emotional mire. When in reality I need not be that way.

Today with a slightly sore head I got to work determined to relax. It did sort of work. I threw myself into work and at 10am went and got my eyebrows waxed! Super!

Lunchtime was not as planned - the team were taken for a drink by the boss. It was okay. I spotted a chap on a nifty motorbike whilst stood outside the pub and smiled.

The afternoon was spent testing NCM in prep for next week. Oh yes 5 working days until we become a merged law firm. It was all good. 5.30 and time for a post work drink. I left at 7 to get home - sort out washing and prep for my day tomorrow. Looking forward to getting out of London for the day - catching up with old friends and hopefully seeing my boys play out of their skins again for the 3 points we so desperately need.

And now - sorting out MP3 player - need to download the Archers having missed it last weekend for all the right reasons. The first thing he did when he saw me was kiss me. It was very nice.

And now my washing is on and I have got myself more centred I can catchup with Enders and see if Minty is in the show - saw him Sunday too in the pub at Highgate. After the incident with the elderly chap taking a turn and being wound up mercilessly by his friends for doing anything to miss his round. The ambulance arrived about 20 minutes later...

Had a good chat with Camilla last night and Lisa was emailing today. So London is not really lonely - it can just get you down on days when work seemed futile and there are 100 other places you would rather be.

Anyways some amusing pictures to share and an early night beckons!! ttfn.

The sunset

On Wednesday

I learnt

something today.. I am who I am.. with a past the way it is... with a future yet to be determined..I know I have always been upfront about the things I care about.. listen and you will hear it...

I have a great set of friends who guide me when I am down and who let me be excited when I am... (and lets face it I don't need much) and I want to thank then once more for putting up with me...

SO far this year I have to deal with some crushing experiences.. people I trusted letting me down so badly and people who saw me as one thing realising that I was not.. It has not been easy. But I have finally realised who I could be... I am a stone lighter.. I have a bounce that I thought I had lost... I can and I will make this blessed life work for me. It is too short by far and I am not known for quitting. Despite all my best efforts!

I can only be me.. If you are in my life you get 100% and I will always go the extra mile or so for you. I am loyal in the extreme and would do anything for those I care about...

But the truth is I too have needs... I wanna be looked after and loved. I want to share the sun and the delights of life with someone who sees things as I do...

So this week I re-entered roller coaster land.. my date on Sunday was great. The long lingering and very sensual kiss goodbye making me think I had found happiness. It's all relative and what maybe in my head can be very different from what is in anothers head. I can only give what I have at any given time. Gotta speculate to accumulate...

And so to the weekend! Come on the Gills!
Looking very much forward to catching up with Jonny G and reminding myself of the year I discovered all I could be.. amusing, caring and trusted...

As for other news. My Dad has to go to hospital for tests. Diabetes is the likely cause.. but I know it will hit him hard.

Sorry to those of you who have coming seeking my blog and found it to be closed... I am back and I am me.. warts and all!

I have weird notions... I should probably be more selfish - but its not the way I am cut..

And so my blogger friends... join me in yet more exciting stories and tribulations!

Please bt Leeds my dear Gills

The Den

Come on Gills!

An autograph!

Tops!

Then Jerico!

So on the 9th April 2010 I finally got to see live the band I had adored as a teenager! He was very sweet with the autograph and gave me a kiss... ah. Who would have thought it.. 20 years on! Let Her Fall... Muscledeep... Sugarbox and Big Area plus a big does of Jean Genie... so glad I wore my Bowie t-shirt. Mark Shaw I salute you once again!! Oh and there are a few rogues in amongst this lot....

SET LIST

Let Her Fall

That's Alright Mama

Muscledeep

Handbags and Gladrags

Sugarbox

Jean Genie

Big Area

Come Up and See Me...

made me smile!

Spring watch!

April fools....

Lucky Days: 4, 5, 14, 15, 23
Yucky Days: 11, 12, 19, 20, 25
Fashion Icon: Zooey Deschanel
Colour: Straw
The first half of the month is best dedicated to domestic duties. Don’t be afraid to spend a lot of quality time at home for the first two weeks of April, because by mid-month, you’ll barely make it back to your flat for more than sleeping purposes. If you’ve been neglecting your family or mates, devote this time to a proper catch-up by showing them how much you care. Work can wait; it’s about getting back to your true priorities now. The New Moon on 14 April in your domestic sector is a great time to put your energy into making sure your living quarters feel like a sanctuary. Any home repair or décor projects started now should proceed smoothly over the next six months. The Mercury retrograde commencing on 17 April favours renovation projects of any kind. But as you get closer to 28 April, the Full Moon in your social sector will take you through a whirlwind of events with friends and colleagues. This will leave you little time for anything else—least of all yourself.
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Your Monthly Forecast: The best sales people make suggestions, not assertions. They encourage their customers to proffer opinions. They engage in conversation. They let their prospects persuade themselves. In April, the more you push your point, the more you may push away the person whose co-operation you require. Your usual skills of communication, though, are being compromised by tense alignments to Saturn, involving the Sun and Uranus. These are making everything seem urgent or intense. Stand back a bit and drop hints. Don't lead; guide. Don't argue; just ask clever questions. You may not be selling something - but you are seeking an agreement. If you're subtle, you'll yet get it.
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Your Week Ahead starting Sat, April 3 - Our problems are not always our enemies. Sometimes, they do us favours. They lead us down important roads that we might not otherwise travel down. They cause us to come up with ideas that would never normally cross our minds. They focus our attention, sharpen our minds and stimulate our desire to take action. Lately, you've been aware of the need to resolve a difficult issue. The discomfort this has been causing has led you to make a wise choice. This week, you will start to reap the benefit of a recent struggle. Have confidence in yourself... and in someone you have lately felt inclined to doubt.
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It’s holiday weekend, but how much your attention can you tear away from the abiding obsession that‘s your work? You may have to give the career monster its head for a few days more, while Saturn, the Goat’s planet, rewinds over the peak of your ‘scope. Good moment to show public resolve.
Trouble at home? If you want to crack the whip about a flatmate or other domestic problem, go right ahead. Romance is well favoured for the rest of April, but if you are making trysts with lovers, rather than just seeing what happens, be wary about your pillow talk, as it will be back to haunt you!

New haircut

WW

today.. weighed in at 10st 3.5lbs quite possibly the lightest I have ever been.
Shed some pounds (almost a stone since January) and some dead emotional wood!

Week ahead...

Your Week Ahead starting Sat, March 20: The equinox is causing you to think about where you belong and with whom. It is also causing you to consider, carefully, your direction in life. Remember, this week, it's never wise to think too hard about the future. By the time it arrives, the world will have changed. You will feel differently about many matters. You won't be quite the same person you are now, nor will you be in quite the same situation. When we let some fear of a forthcoming event get the better of us, we bring it into the present. We cause it to hang over our life like a dark cloud. When you get to tomorrow, you will deal with it. Meanwhile, just tackle today. Once you get used to doing things a certain way, you forget that there is any other way to do it. The familiar path becomes the path of least resistance, even when it is actually strewn with difficulty. As long as you have found a way round these obstacles in the past, you can feel confident that you can find your way round them again. Thus, problematic, convoluted solutions end up looking more appealing than speedy, straightforward ones. Inwardly, though, you know there must be a better way to proceed. There is. Be brave enough to try it. If you're ready to do things differently this week, you'll find someone else is too.

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Proud achiever or homebody? The tension between the roles of breadwinner and breadmaker are etched large in your ‘scope. For now, the balance is likely tipped in favour of a vibrant, (if demanding) family agenda, whereas winter’s professional concerns can be quietly sidelined until the autumn, even if tomorrow’s ‘Blue Monday’ (as Fats Domino and New Order dubbed it) argues otherwise. Don’t let a few bumps in the road derail you (as if). December 27 birthdays are those with those most to consider, professionally.

Romance? Fine time for a brand new start for relationships that have lost their intimacy. Recently started flings and flirtations can be profitably pursued and put to the test.

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Capricorn, you'll be in a restless mood on Monday. Make sure you pay attention to where you go and the people you go with, and avoid getting yourself into any risky situations. While you're driving or crossing the street aren't the best times to send a text message. You may need to make some home repairs on Thursday, when the illuminating Sun in Aries in your home zone squares potent Pluto in Capricorn. It's possible that you will need to deal with some structural issues in your abode. Remember that it's better to deal with a small crack at the outset than a major problem later.

The Valley

Of dreams?!

Stars for March...

Lucky Days: 8, 9, 18, 19, 28
Yucky Days: 1, 2, 17, 18, 30
Fashion Icon: Helena Christensen
Colour: Whiskey Brown
This is an especially exciting month for career—the Goat’s favorite arena. The ongoing Mars Retrograde has done nothing but contribute to feelings of stagnation over the past several months—but that’s all about to change after the 10th. By the time the Vernal Equinox rolls around on 20 March, you’ll have plenty to celebrate. Big changes are no longer a pipe dream but an immediate probability. Set your intentions for the next six months on the New Moon in your communication sector on 15 March (do it in writing). This is also a most auspicious occasion to reach out to your most prized and helpful connections and use the power of social networking. With both Venus and Mercury occupying your domestic sector, you’ll enjoy spending more time hanging, working and communicating from home than you have in quite a while. The Full Moon in your career sector on 29 March is the icing on one fabulous spring cupcake. You’re more than ready to take your ambition to the next level, so do it.